Don't go too hard on me this is my first post
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Am I desperate in this world of ours?
I always look up to the stars
And they shine down
To turn up my frown
But do they know the life I miss
After getting that very first kiss
When our eyes met
You saw it too, I bet
The sparkle of sun
Like the world had just begun
The time flies by
While I cry
I weep in sorrow
Just waiting for tomorrow
But tomorrow never comes
It always turns to today
And then came death
Which took my last breath
Then our love was gone
This world is crude
It does not change my mood
So am I desperate?
I want to know
I wait in the sky
Because i never go to say good-bye
So now I wait
I guess we weren't fate
And now I'm in heaven above
Waiting desperately for your love
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
The stuff I've underlined is the bits I had to loudly exclaim "what??????" They confused me..... or maybe its just your train of thought.... if it was "a stream of unconciousness" where your thoughts aren't link and jump from one to the next............... nice first try.
Lexy xxxx
I thought this poem was.. okay. Teensy bit cliche and general and maybe try to make it more personal, use different imagery that no one would think of (unlike "the sparkle of the sun").
What struck me the most, though, was the title. When I saw it on the main page, I thought it was your sub comment or something. Especially the two question marks. I think you could come up with a much better one and an improved poem.
Nevertheless, Welcome!
I thought you had some really nice rhyming couplets, but a few of them sounded as though you couldn't think of anything to say, so you used any word that rhymed. Apart from that i really liked it and well done
i hope to read more of your work in the near future, welcome to YWS!!
Hmm...
The rhyme was pretty forced, and all the two-line stanzas kind of annoyed me. They got too repetetive. See if you can make some variation in the structure of the stanzas, that would really improve this poem.
But this wasn't bad, especially if you just started writing poetry recently. I really liked these lines:
The sparkle of the sun
Like the world had just begun.
Very nice.
Keep writing, and welcome to YWS!
That was good! I really liked it. Congratulations on posting your first poem.
You did a great job rhyming, and the whole idea of love behind it was fabulous. The only problem for me was those specific pairs that have a short line and then a long one. Such as so:
If you can, shorten/lengthen it a bit. But if you can't fill it with better words, just leave it the way it is.
Also, in the last quote, you need to capitalize the "i".
But other than that, it sounded great. I hope I helped you in this critique. PM me if you have any questions. I hope to see more of your work.
***__THELUCKYFLOWER__***
I like it.
[quote]You saw it too, I bet[quote/]
I would take the I bet part out of it. Other than that there are some punctuation needed in areas. The other part is that you had couplets going and then had a one liner. That threw me off a bit. Overall, good job.