Published August 15, 2011
Dreams tumbled downward
In an endless pitfall of time,
Down upon a crowd of empty minds,
Filling the vacuum with purpose
Commensurate to the will of the soldier.
In between the opening of eyes,
Fluttering like wings of the phoenix,
Feet sprint toward the illustration of destiny
In all of her illuminated glory.
Voices cry out in desperation,
Painting the darkened canvas of night
With the colors of aesthetic truth.
Hands reach out earnestly,
Straining to grasp answers,
But answers were not there to be found.
Only their illusion in the profundity of
Human contemplation,
In the depths of a heart’s desire.
So we all fall short of glory,
We all dangle here on the edge of realization,
Perpetually waiting,
Needlessly hoping for change that
Will not come.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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141,354 Literary Works • 674,377 Reviews
Hey Joshwaa,
I think you mean anesthetic.Okay first off a misspelling :
As for the poem, I liked it. Some places I feel like you lost your point trying to use good vocabulary, but you got it in the end. It's pretty good as is, but scary to the unsuspecting reader! ( Not an insult. ) Anyway keep up the good work!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
Wow. This is pretty depressing, but I guess I should have guessed that looking at the title. I'm gonna try this in list format.
Pros:
- The imagery is fantastic and creative, without stupid similes and crap. I liked the part about the phoenix. It especially stuck in my mind as poetic.
-The emotion behind this can be felt through the words.
-It is free verse. I like rhyming poems, but sometimes poems aren't meant to rhyme, and this is definitely one of those poems.
Cons:
-The tenses aren't consistent. You should make it all past, present, or future, or else the reader may get confused.
-Some of the punctuation seemed off, and I'm no expert, but you might just want to double check in case.
That's about it. I like this poem and I hope my review helps. Keep it up and keep writing. I'll keep reading and reviewing. Good luck.