The Suicide
I was at home when I decided to kill myself. I had it planned; I wanted to be found on my bed, by my flatmate, in a suit with a note on my chest. A peaceful departure to contrast my dark life. All I needed to pick up was a dose of sleeping pills from my mother’s apartment in the city. Oh and how could I forget? I needed the most expensive bottle of red wine in the city - I had planned to go out with some class.
I let the car roll out of the driveway and onto the road. I flicked the lights on, eased it into gear and took off smoothly. The night sky was clear and the moon was bright. I traced down from the hills into the city. The radio was quietly humming familiar pop tunes and the engine purred. It took half an hour to reach the heart of the city. The streets were quiet, even for a Tuesday. I parked at the foot of my mother’s apartment complex in a taxi bay and called her mobile phone.
“I’m out front … yeah let me in would you?” The doors unlocked and I walked in and called the elevator. I punched in level six. The elevator stopped and the doors slid open. I knocked at apartment 603. She opened the door.
“Son come in”
“I can’t really mum I’m in a bit of a rush, I have work tomorrow.”
“OK, well with these pills you only take one,” She began.
“I know mum.”
“And if it takes a while to work you just have to wait, its dangerous taking more then one, you’ll end up in hospital.” Or the morgue I thought.
“OK mum I really must go I’m parked in a taxi bay.”
“OK bye son.”
“Oh and mum,” I leant in and her cheeks tightened with surprise, “I love you.” I kissed her cheek and for a moment, her face wore a daft expression. As I turned back to the elevator she spoke.
“You to son.”
I cared about my mum and I had to hold back tears seeing her for the last time. My death will kill her, I thought. But I must do it. Life was too hard for too long. When she read the note I knew she would understand, she was after all, all I had. There’s nothing left for a crook like me.
The elevator doors opened at the ground floor and I strolled outside. The winter air bit. I pulled the door open and dropped into the driver’s seat. I throw the bottle of blue pills on the other seat, turned the ignition and the car roared into life. I pushed it into gear and this time I pressed the accelerator hard, so hard the wheels spun fast but the car barely moved. The melted rubber made the car smell but I enjoyed it. It reminded me of my teenage years.
I pulled into a park outside a shop with signs like ‘Fine wines and liquor’ plastered all over the windows. I grabbed my wallet and keys, locked the car then walked through the sliding door, which was only a few inches ajar. An old man with small round specks was cashing up behind the til. I walked to the counter.
“Where is your most expensive bottle of red wine?”
“Oh sorry sir, we are closed up.”
“Well do you mind if I have a quick look I can pick something up tomorrow, I just need to know that you’ve got what I’m after?” I asked.
The little fat white-haired man looked at me suspiciously for a moment then said, “Alright you can have a look but only for a minute or so.”
I found the wine section. I scanned the entire top shelf and decided the most expensive bottle of red wine was the ‘Barolo Pio Cesare 2004’ at $120. I pulled out my wallet and took out three one hundred dollar bills between thumb and finger. I took the wine from the shelf and walked towards the door. As I passed the counter, I dropped the money and the shopkeeper just stared dumbly. I Squeezed through the exit and out to the car. In a moment, I was off, driving again.
I had travelled all the way across the city and decided to go home the long way, around the central city leisure park, across the east gate bridge and through the industrial wastelands. The car purred around the park and roared up over the bridge. I gave it gas and it raced through the lonely streets of the industrial wastelands. The lights were green from far and as I approached, they became orange and finally red. I sat and looked around. The night was becoming darker as thick cloud moved across the sky. A few spots of rain began to appear on my windscreen. The night was almost silent, not a car in sight.
I saw someone in the rear view mirror. Two people crossing the road. Someone was dragging another by her hair. The lights flashed to green. I just sat and waited. I heard her voice screaming. I watched as he pulled her with one hand around her arm and the other in her hair. I wound my window down and glanced back over my shoulder. The pair disappeared into an alley. My heart picked up. I sat and thought for a moment. Finally I acted. I pressed the pedal in and the wheels screeched as the car spun a full 1-80. I drove back and ripped the hand break up, sliding to a halt beside the alley.
My door closed with a thud and I dashed across the road. As I approached the entrance to the alley, I could see the pair with their backs facing me. The girl in the high cut dress was still screaming at the man in the loose fitting suit.
The rain was falling harder now as the man dragged her deeper into the long alley. I stopped running for a moment beside a broken crate. I picked up a thick plank of wood then, carrying it with both hands, I ran again.
As I closed in, the man heard my footsteps through the heavy rain. He glanced over his shoulder and had only a second to react but I got him. I came down on him hard like an axe to a stubborn knot of wood. I hit once then again. The sound was sickening, like a sledge hammer on a wet log. He fell against the brick wall and slid down to the ground. I stepped in front of the teary-eyed girl and I could feel her hands on my back. The man cowered. A split erupted and from his balding head came a fountain of blood gushing all down his face. His eyes were wide and wild and from the ground, he smiled. He eyed the girl behind my shoulder and screamed.
“You’re dead girl, you know you’re dead.”
I hated that man. Lightening cracked and I raised the plank high above my head and stepped closer. He smiled again then moved his hand into his coat. I ripped the blank down. I saw it as the plank hit, the gun. The board split on his head but the sound was the crack of the pistol. My eyes watered. I looked at my hand on my chest, with blood seeping between my fingers. My knees gave. I fell and my gut was cold. My vision blurred, I tried to keep my eyes open but I couldn’t. My eyelids grew heavy and then it was over. Good bye cruel world.
***
It was all white. My head hurt and my body felt numb. My nose itched and when I scratched it, I felt tubes. I blinked a few times.
“You’re awake.” I could spot my mother’s warm voice anywhere. I turned my head an inch and eyed her, then forced a smile.
“I’m alive.” I said. I’m alive.
Doctors came and left. They asked questions and adjusted medical equipment. My mum was gone an hour and when she came back she had a big greasy burger. My arms felt stiff as I took it and gobbled it down in a few full bites.
“What were you thinking? Why didn’t you just call the police?” Mum began. I had to think for a moment then the scene reeled in my mind.
“I don’t know mum, leave it.” She kissed my cheek then continued.
“A girl’s been in every night to see you, the girl who called the ambulance.” My mind ticked over, it must have been the prostitute being dragged by that thug. “She comes in every night around six, checks on you then leaves.” My mum left.
She entered a little after six and seemed surprised to see me awake. As she walked, her blonde wavy hair sat still around her shoulders. She smiled and her white teeth shined through her deep red lips.
“Hey fella,” she said as she lowered herself into the chair beside my bed. “You saved my life.” You have no idea.
“It’s OK anyone would have done the same.” She leant over the bed bending at the waist and kissed my cheek.
She has seen me everyday since. Sometimes she brings food or reads me short stories. I get out next week and she has promised to cook me dinner. I feel better than I did that night, for now anyway.
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140,739 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Hey there,
It was a pleasure reading your story. I have learnt some things from you as a writer. Even though its a simple plot you managed to hook the readers. That's the thing I like. Anyways keep writing
All the best
Your story had kept me reading and not alot of stories have that affect. However, You didnt go in much details on why that man wanted to commit suicide. It left me clueless but it made me want to read more. I liked the irony. The guy in the story turned from suicidal to completely happy because the girl repay him for saving his life.
Overall, liked it very much, especially the short conversation with his mom, it was the thing that touched me in this story.
What I didn't like is that the guy wants to commit suicide, but his quite cheerful about it, he should be depressed, full of self-hate and despise.
you also wrote:
Why is he a crook? I didn't get that part to well.
This story amazes me. It's very well written, with a great plot and rather great dialogue. I'm used to stories that, at one point or another, announce the names of the main characters, but your story is a special occasion, considering how well you played it out. Grammatical errors have already been pointed out, so no use in me repeating everyone else.
Overall, this was an amazing piece, and I'm a little disappointed that there won't be an add-on. Please, by all means, if you ever change your mind about the "no add-ons" thing, please please please! Let me know. I'd love to read more to this.
I'm not big on correcting because English isnt my best subject, but shouldnt it be 'You too son'?? I dont know really, but over all a realllly gooood story!
I thought it was very intriguing. The characters were coloured very well. I though all together it was a nice story. Though, I think the ending was a little mushed.
-Love the Mysterious Sign Painter
*World of Goo*
Oh my god! This was so good! I started reading and I was just.. (Ah, fun, another boring, lame, suicide) Then the story just took such a twist and.. oh, delightful! It's always great to read a sad story with a hopeful ending
When it comes to the text there were few grammatic errors which is good, and I like your style overall 
DD
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I totally love this story, it got me hooked from the very start. It's the kind you would want to read a dozen times over. I wonder if this is part of a novel or something and i would like to know what actually was the character's motive for suicide.
Hey! So I know you have lots of reviews I only have one grammatical error
Thats all!
-Boo
Hey! This is an amazing story. You got me hooked up to the story right from the beginning. The way you have described the scenes is good too. Though, you could have added a bit more details in areas like why wanted to commit suicide, what led him to take that drastic decision even though he had a very healthy relationship with his mother. A few grammatical mistakes, but the other reviewers have already pointed that out. So, good work!
This is incredibly moving! Its so frikin' amazing!
I only wish I could click love instead of like.
This was a rather creative plot device. David Morrell wrote a novel that was more or less of the same cut. Guy want to commit suicide, gets involved in action story, etc...
I like how you wrapped this up nice and tidily. It leaves me wondering how he would react when he got home and found his suicide note waiting for him, now that he feels a sense of purpose.
I'm sure someone above already complained, but I thought there were a lot of simple sentences, especially in the beginning. Honestly, it wasn't that bad compared to a lot of the kind of... material one encounters on this site.
All in all, you wrote a very intriguing, original short story.
You get a gold star.
I really liked this story. I think I've read it before but never commented on it. So now I am! I'm not gonna bother commenting on the negatives, but I think it could have been improved had you put in a little detail about why the man had wanted to commit suicide. Other then that, it really was an interesting read. Thanks for that. Good luck with the rest of your writing!
Wow this was an interesting plot to write about but I loved it. As I was skimming through the reading list I saw this title and honestly it got me hooked. I enjoyed reading it. I wish there were a follow up though. I would really love to know if he eventually decides to commit suicide and what drove him to that point. As for criticizing I can't really say much. I mean there were a few mistakes but not a big. Overall great story!!
-Michelle a.k.a Sasha
i love the plot and i really respect the way that you planned the story out!!!!
Thats it? You're just going to leave everyone HANGING like this?! I loved your story, it seems like everyone else has already covered the grammatical issues, and all.
(:
It sounds odd, but suicide story's somehow peak my interests somehow. And yours was amazing, I liked how it had a happy ending, not something I was expecting.
Although, the MC was lacking in detail. Not just how everyone else has been saying, but whats his name? What does he look like? Why does he want to kill himself? I see that few people have also commented about this, but I am very curious.
I'd love to see a second part to this! The ending had my jaw drop for a good six seconds.
Incredible, you are a really talented writer.
-Ellie
I honestly can't really nitpick this. The other commenters seem to have done that quite enough, but I felt that I had to comment because I really enjoyed it.
For me though, I felt two things were missing. Firstly, I felt that the point of why the protagonist was suicidal was missing. He said after kissing his mother goodbye that she would understand after reading the note, but the reader never gets to find out the reasons. Because of this I find it hard to find sympathy for the main character, even after his good deed.
Secondly, why was the fact he lived such a massive turnaround for him? Just because I'd managed to save someone's life and lived through it I don't think that would stop me from wanting to die if I'd had strong reasons for it in the first place. Again, this ties in with the original problem that I had as I did not know the reasons for the man wanting to commit suicide. So, once that has been explained it will probably help explain why saving the girl's life, saved his life.
I did really like the piece though. Is there anymore on this? It seems like it could develop to discuss the newfound relationship between the suicidal man and the prostitute. Even if you don't continue it, I still really enjoyed it. You have a really vivid style and great promise!
EDIT: Just read that you are not continuing it, which is fine it's a good ending, I was just curious
Thanks everyone for the helpful feedback. This is a complete story so there will be no follow on pieces. Just thought I would post an alternative final paragraph. I prefer the original.
Best
Hi.
I'm new to this sight and your story was the first I read. That was 2 days ago and I just had to read it again!
It was simply stunning! Seldom have I read a story that held my attention that much that I wished it never to end!
But, flames to dust and all that.
Anyway, it was beautifully written. It was so subtle yet so hard hitting.
My faourite line was
I love the reverse psycology of it!
Can't wait to read more,
Woozey
This is a really difficult subject to write about and I think you've handled it well. Most of the time if a young person tried to write about suicide it would turn out with a fake feel to it, because it's so difficult to get into the mindset of someone unhappy enough to take their own life - but you've created an interesting character whose choice is believable, though I don't think it would hurt to add a bit more in about his motivation.
My main problem would be that the end seems rushed. I know it's a short story but the pacing seems imbalanced; at the end he's going through a thought process which results in him deciding to stay alive, which is a pretty big thing and should have more time given over to it. Also, have some more about his relationship with the girl - what he thinks about her, whether he's worried if she's OK - and generally go into more detail about what happens to him afterwards.
Then there are a couple of minor issues with commas and tenses, but nothing that can't be easily fixed. A brilliant story!
Hello, I'm Kate. I'm not going to bother going into grammatical errors,because it has been done, and there are none too pressing. I simply want to say, I love this story.
Great job!
From the very first line, I was hooked. I was sad throughout the beginning when I thought he was going to kill himself, but then-wow! I am so impressed. I love how you twisted the ending into something good. This is absolutely brilliant.
Alright!
Like everyone else has mentioned, This is a great excerpt.
It caught my attention very quickly, and I enjoyed reading it. In fact I ready it 4 times over!
A few nit-picks
this seems like it should be a bit more personal, saying "I decided to kill myself" Does in fact get your point across, but saying something like "I was home when I decided to take my life" or "I was home alone when I chose to end my suffering.." Would seem more personal, and give the Character more depth.
This as well just seem personal enough, I am a big Character-Freak. This would seem to have more depth if the Character had a name. Most Mothers and sons who are still this close through age would not speak like this to each other.
Maybe its just me but this seems a bit out of place here. Honestly, how many would have actually stopped to help someone in the middle of the night like this. If your trying to create a connection between woman (Prostitute?) and Character then make a deeper line for her, Not a dialog but something that seems to have more affection?
edit for above:
This is I wrote before I fully understood what was being said, I had trouble, even after 3 times reading, telling who was saying what here, I thought at first it was the woman but now I know it is the man, A little entry here into which character is speaking would be great
All and all I loved the story, I cannot wait to read and review more of your work!!
- Zerkk
Ok firstly nice opening line, it had me hooked straight from the start and made me want to continue to read.
I liked how you described the way you wanted to die, but there is one thing I just have to pick at; Why did he want to take his life? As the writer you have to make us understand the character, which to be honest I kind of did not; Was he mad? Had he just broke up from the love of his life (This would have been a nice little plot and you could have had him find love in the girl at the end.) Anyway it wasn't made totally clear to me why he wanted to commit suicide, he obviously had money, family and friends. Sort it out buddy.
There's also a lot of meaningless paragraphs that I find don't really lead anywhere. For example take the second paragraph, where he is driving to his mothers house. Did this really have to be in here? You could have contained some substance of plot in here; like having you look at everything in a depressed view.
Also there was a few silly little mistakes in here which can easily be fixed like mispelling of words and stuff. Take a look over it you should be able to find them.
Other than that I actually enjoyed this story, the title intrigued me and the opening line hooked me in and it was a decent read. Well done and keep writing.
Hmm... I like the idea, and I like the story and plotline, but I think you would do well to add a bit more description in there, or soemthing that makes me feel like the character really wants to die. Then I want the whole fight scene a bit lengthened, made a bit clearer. I didn't get how the MC ended up getting hurt... I thought for a while that he was planning to kill himself in the alley then and there.
But other than the lack of feeling, I liked it very much! I think you would do well to go over your grammar in the dialogue though; put commas after gettings 'Well' and such.
Just make me feel for the character more!
Hi Joshua Paul
Occasionally I read a story on YWS which is so good that I just have to comment. This was one of them. From the very first sentence you had me hooked, and I just continued to read further.
What specifically interested me was the perspective of the character that you created. A character who should have been dead by his own hand, but was for some reason or other, not. I was rather compelled to find out what this reason was.
As a bit of a character freak, I tend to always ask whether or not the character's actions and thoughts might be true to real life. I refer specifically to the given motive for the narrator's suicide:
I don't usually comment on grammar, but once I'm quoting this anyway I might as well point out that you've switched tense. (The last sentence of the paragraph reads as though its in the present tense.) You may want to deal with that. Now back to the main point. Your narrator loves his mother. He also knows that his suicide would hurt her dramatically. He also presumes that his mother will understand his position.
Allow me to ask you a question: If he knows his mother will understand, why does he still feel bad doing it to her? In fact he knows he'll be hurting his mother who he really loves, so you need to build us a far clearer picture of what exactly it is that he is gaining by committing suicide. What has driven him to abandon the mother that he loves so?
You might also find that a rather nifty trick to get close to your POV character is to call the other characters by what he would call them. This means that he would call his mother "Mum" even in the prose. On this point, "Mum" wouldn't call the son "Son". He has a name doesn't he? If he doesn't, invent one.
I think those are the major issues. I really enjoyed reading this
Hoping the review helped,
Have a great one!