Problems i have

Hey Josh:

There isn't much for me to say that any other of the reviewers haven't said. I would like to comment on how strong and powerful this poem was, despite the spelling and grammatical mistakes. It really had to voice of truth in it, is also blunt and straight to the point. I like this poem, since it speaks out from the heart.

Though just remember to correct all the mistakes the other reviewers pointed out to you. It will make your poem appear as much more neater and enjoyable. Not that it isn't already.

Best of luck!

Kudos

-S.s

Hi josh, this work is really good and I am surprised for once that you know how to spell. I like the way that this poem is straight to the point that doesn't have any really confusing metaphors
Just remember not to give up hope!!!

hey there smile is here for a review as requested
ok i'll start with nitpicks :
i see that you already have comments so i'll try to not repeat what they've said .
'' looking , taking ,entering ,asking and answering''
i don't like how you started each line with one of these verbs , it didn't flows good tegether especially here :

"Looking around, seeing hard work and dedication.
Taking deep breaths walking towards the ring.
Entering the ring, I get stopped by my trainer. "

another thing is i don't know if it suppose to be rhymy or not , but i prefer the rhyme especialy because it's one verse and not in parts .

"Remember your epilepsy, you may never enter the ring again".
hunching my back, sighing and slowly leaving the ring."

when i read this part in the first time it's not clear who left the ring , i mean "hunching my back" i know you're talking about the trainer here , but next in "sighing and slowly leaving the ring" it's not clear it is just like you still talking about the trainer and that the main character didn't leave the ring , because in the last two lines i understand that he didn't realise his goal ( One day,I will have my shot.One day,I will never give up hope. )

to finish i think that you should add some imagery to your poem so it become attractive and rich .

now for my favourite lines :

"Slowly realizing , but wanting to forget."
"My hands touch the gloves.
Looking around, seeing hard work and dedication. ''

overall ..

this is a very nice poem that telling a story and a message , i enjoyed reading it so keep writing

smile

I don't know how much of this is based on real life, but I like it because it seems true.
However, you're definitely in need of using some more exciting language.
Where are the adjectives, the similes?
I need to see some classic English class 'exam style' writing here to make this appeal to me as a reader, otherwise, I'm just not going to connect with your character.

For example: 'Slowly realizing , but wanting to forget.' this is the best line of the piece, because it is the only one that really sounds poetic.
I think you have the wrong form for your work. I would change it, maybe to a dialogue, or a monologue or even a short descriptive piece.
It just doesn't fit as a poem. Sorry.

CHange this up, edit away and repost, and you will have something greatly improved. You've got the roots of your sapling, you just need to water it to make it bloom.

Before saying anything I must mention that I'm quite new at this. My view of reviewing is simple -read it, and give your honest opinion of it. Having said what I have said you may want to take my review with reserve as it is more of an opinion than educated review.

This particular theme is universal, meaning it can be applied not only to boxing but anyone who is not able to furfill his hope and dreams because of his condition. And as such is very sad, but you manage to clear that sadness with some hope at the end of the poem which gives it a tiny little positive tone- which is more than eneough for the willing.


Keep up the good work
ObseverxD

Back again!

Once again, my only nitpicks are technical-y. Your descriptions succeeded in snaring my interest, yet leave room open for interpretation. Bear in mind, the slightest grammatical mistake as good as highlights that clause, and provides a natural obstacle to the flow.

Asks what am I doing?

One day,I will have my shot.
One day,I will never give up hope.

Hey Joshua Shauzer here reviewing!
I liked this poem, more than your previous one. The fact that it was about something that happened to you made the writing better and I did enjoy it. I also like the fact that it was about boxing, just because I see you fixed the commas, I like it, the only mistakes on the last two lines I didn't see much wrong with it the poem, there could have been some line breaks to make it read easier and there were some capitals missing but I don't really care amount grammar :')
Some things could've been worded better, for example, 'Answering him nervously "I am just about to spar" Then you go to 'I could see confusion in his eyes.' It may be nit-picking but every little bit helps, either change 'I could see' to 'Seeing' or 'Answering him' to 'I answered him' There are a few cases of this in the poem and, not knowing whether they were intentional or not I can't tell you to take them out, but I would recommend looking over them. Other than that this poem was good, maybe on the last two lines change those commas, look over the wording a bit and your poetry will start improving dramatically.
'One day, I will have my shot, one day.
I will never give up hope.' I think it reads better like this, that's all. One more piece of advice, make sure you don't overdose with the dialogue and the longer sentences, makes it more like a story than a poem. Well done!!!
Keep writing, yours in ink,
TS

Hey!

So, you're a boxer.

If I ca be honest: technically speaking this work is perfect. You could only alter it for the sake of it, but the way you have organised the content of your work needs improvement in my opinion, not because it is bad, but because it is too basic.
You have the crux of a good idea, but it needs a bit more structure to sound more professional.
So...

'Entering the ring, I get stopped by my trainer.' - Here for example, the language just needs jazzing up a bit, like...

'My trainer pushed me to one side, just as I was about to get inside the squared ring, in order to discuss our tactics in facing the brute in the red corner.' (I appreciate this is too long, but it's just an example of 'jazzing' LOL, that is not the technical term) XD

This kind of needs to be done throughout, just to add more suspense and drama to the piece.
But like I said, good idea, just needs a few more literary devices and it's there.

Keep writing.
And if you need anymore reviews, just ask.

Hai There!

I'm Chuck and i'll be doing this weird concept of a review for you!

"c'mon josh you know you cant spar because of your condition"

"C'mon josh you know you can't spar because of your condition."

One day,I will have my shot.

One day, I will have my shot.