z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Little Man

by josephgrantson


There was once a man who was walking. He was short, old, and frail. He was covered in dirt, and his clothes had many holes. But besides his many flaws, he could walk, and so he kept walking, his face towards the earth and his mind at ease. He dragged an old cart behind him, filled with many things, covered with a rag. He walked for a long time until he came upon a town. At this town, he decided that he was going to stop for a while before he went on to continue walking. Traveling through the town, he noticed its people were tall, strong, and good-looking; they wore pure clothing, and their faces glowed with health. 

Eventually, he came upon two men in the middle of an argument about which of the 2 was stronger, better looking, or had more money. When they saw the feeble little man walking in their direction, they stopped him. The first man said, "You there, my small friend; come here." 

Naturally, the little man did, and set his cart down.

"I want you to tell this fool right here that he is inferior to me!"

The second man replied, saying, "The only one inferior is you!"

"Fine! Then perhaps we should settle this; show me all the wealth you have, and we can see who is really superior," said the first man.

So, the second man brought forward a great mound of valuables that towered over the little man. Then, the first man took out his valuables to present. "Obviously I have more wealth than you do!" said the second man. 

"You must be blind," said the first man, "Clearly I have more than you do!"

The second man then challenged the first man, saying, "Fine; if you truly are so foolish to believe that we have equal amounts of wealth, than we should have a fight to see who is more physically capable."

"I accept," said the first man, "And if you defeat me, all my wealth is yours."

"And if you beat me, you take my valuables," said the second man. 

They then both turned to the little man, who had been silently observing the dispute, and told him to be the mediator of the fight, gave him their wealth, until a victor was decided. And then the two men began to duel; kicking, punching, and each throwing himself upon the other, without a sense of their wild state. They fought for a long time, with no purpose.

Eventually, the first man lay upon the ground, beaten until he was bloody,not moving. The second man stood, equally damaged and wobbling. He began walking over to the little man, who had, again, been standing silently, observing the fight. He had almost reached his prize of wealth and superiority, when he collapsed to the ground, dead from his wounds.

The little man, so inferior to all others, silently walked to his cart.

Casting aside the old rag on top of it, he revealed that, inside, it was filled with magnificent riches. He carried and added the two mens' piles of fortune to his cart; then covered it back up with the old rag. He gathered up his now far heavier cart and began to walk. The feeble, old, little man walked out of the town, and kept on walking.


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22 Reviews


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Thu Oct 04, 2018 1:52 pm
AutumnDawn wrote a review...



wow.... this story... it just makes you really think how much people really only care about if they are ones who are better then the other. who is richer? who is stronger? who is more beautiful. unfortunately for us this will always be a problem. because we are only human. and always want to better than the next man.
I love your story. it is just so beautiful. your story is so well written. that I swear that people will be telling your story forever. even if they cannot understand. PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING




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Wed Sep 19, 2018 2:09 am
1nspire wrote a review...



I absolutely love the message in this story! I thought it was really clever the way that you ended the piece, and I love that there was a clear moral.

I would suggest changing up the sentence structure a little bit in the first paragraph just to keep it interesting, as you started many sentences with "he". However, using this method could also work in your favor, as this style shows the uncomplicated life that the protagonist lives.

Aside from that, I really liked this piece, great work!!!




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Wed Sep 19, 2018 12:34 am
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FlamingPhoenix says...



I really liked this short story! I hope you post more like it! And good job! :D




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Tue Sep 18, 2018 3:46 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! Happy Review Month! c:

So first of all, I like the sort of old fairy tale feel to this- or, I guess not really fairy tale, but like how it has that same sort of feel or style that a lot of those older stories have.

At the same time, I think part of the reason why it has that older feel is because it's a lot of mostly telling and not showing. It's a pretty short story, and yet there's quite a bit going on in that short amount of time! But the thing is, we're not filled in on a lot of details. We don't really know much about this small man at all, except that at first we're told he's poor and dirty and what not. And the whole story just kinda gets fed to us, and so we don't develop any real feelings one way or another about the characters- or even the meaning of the story. So my advice is to take a bit more time to tell this story. Perhaps let us in the MC's mind a little? Let us smell the roses (or blood, I guess ;) )-- OR the copper of the coins in the riches...? I just really think this story could use a bit more meat- otherwise it sorta (and I'm not saying this to be mean at all) feels like a husk.

The other thing was I felt like the dialogue left a little to be desired. It kinda just felt awkward- but I guess that's the same sorta older-style thing going on, so maybe that was intentional. Also to me it seems really odd that those two people were fighting in the first place- like who just starts fighting about something like that? What's the point? BUT again, that's kinda how a LOT of old "moral of the story" stories were- so hmm.

The other thing I liked about this was the ending! He just sorta causally makes off with their goodies. And my favourite part is that the whole time he doesn't even say a word. I don't know why, I just thought that was really just PERFECT for the sorta feel of the story.

Anyway, I hope that was somewhat helpful! Keep it up!

-Socks




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Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:13 am
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thedevinhiggins wrote a review...



Hello!

I love how you illustrated the deeper meaning behind the story. Wonderfully done!

However, there are a few technical errors:

"There was once a man who was walking. He was short, old, and frail. He was covered in dirt, and his clothes had many holes. But besides his many flaws, he could walk, and so he kept walking, his face towards the earth and his mind at ease. He dragged an old cart behind him, filled with many things, covered with a rag. He walked for a long time until he came upon a town. At this town, he decided that he was going to stop for a while before he went on to continue walking. Traveling through the town, he noticed its people were tall, strong, and good-looking; they wore pure clothing, and their faces glowed with health."


This beginning passage is very choppy. It doesn't quite flow right, you know? What I suggest is that you combine some of the sentences to make it sound more fluid. I wrote an example of what you could write for the beginning of the passage:

"There once was a man, walking through the [insert landscape here]. His torn, dirt-covered clothes hung loosely around his small, wrinkly frame as he wandered the [more landscape], an old cart trailing behind him, covered with nothing but a raggedy, stained cloth..."

You can use it if you want!

Another thing I would like to mention is the lack of imagery. Adding more descriptive words and emphasis on landscape and the physical features of the character would significantly improve this.

Another thing...

"'Fine! Then perhaps we should settle this; show me all the wealth you have, and we can see who is really superior,' said the first man."

You should probably replace the semicolon with a period.

And one final thing...

"The little man, so inferior to all others, silently walked to his cart."

This sentence could be structured better. Maybe delete "so" and replace it with something like "presumably" to add some foreshadowing. Also, you could delete "silently". It sounds just as good, if not better, without it.


That's about it! Overall, it's a well-written story that illustrates the theme really well. Wonderfully done!


Keep writing, please!






Thank you very much for your response! This is my first time posting work online and I will definitely use your recommendations.
When I first started to write this I was kind of trying to like one of those very old story telling fables which is kind of why it's choppy, but I threw out that idea quickly and kinda forgot to fix it.
This was really just a draft, but thank you so much for the review :)



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Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:08 am
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Appliewriter says...



I love how this is a short story that reminds me of Aesop's Fables or some story like that. It was very entertaining. The dialogue drew me in as well as the characters. (And I wanted to find out what happened at the end because of your "Short description" of the story.) Have a good day!






Thank you for the comment! I was trying to go for one of those types of stories where the real plot is in the theme instead of the action, just like Aesop. I really want to expand this and this is pretty much just a draft.
Have a good day as well! :)




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