Young Writers Society

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

That was an exciting read. I really liked how despite all the negative and creepy elements being present in the story, the ending turned out to be a positive one. Anyway, let’s get into the review.

Well, the beginning was not that catchy. I would suggest to write something else in the beginning. Like maybe you could start by them pointing out that elevator which they had never seen. I guess that would make a better beginning.

Characters

Talking about the narrator’s character, at the first place I thought that they were quite courageous. Not to mention, this interpretation was based on how they talked with the principal. If you do want to keep that portion, you can work a bit more on making the conversation formal. It sounded a bit informal to me and not the way a student talks with a principal. However next, the narrator became quite afraid of everything and really wanted to gt out of everything that they were in. It just undermined the courageous character they showed in the beginning. Nothing else.

Next we have Mia. Here, I was confused about something. This person called Sandra came with the narrator and then Mia appeared out of nowhere. I guess you could actually change Sandra and make it Mia from the very first. Why would you add more characters when they are not required? It actually confuysed me a bit. Mia seems to be the real courageous and the adventurous person. First of all, she ddin’t fear of going inside a creepy place at all and secondly, even after getting hit by an arrow, she wanted to continue with her adventure. That really adds to her character there.

Plot

The plot was a very intriguing one. When they discovered that elevator, I knw something was about to happen but I didn’t know whether it was going to be abd or good. It turned out to be bad though. About the mystery, I think that person was once upon a time hit with an arrow on her knee and since then he hits people with arrows in their knee. That’s interesting.

I do wonder a bit about the past. Like the sudden appearance of the elevator. I do reckon that there were some horror elements but it didn’t really work very well. If the man had to take revenge or something, why in school then? He was not hit with an arrow in school, was he? I have no idea. I think you can be a bit clearer and more concise on the mystery. It would add to the horror and help us in understanding the story.

And now comes the ending. The ending was indeed positive but I was left thinking what happened. What was the ladder? Was the ladder symbolic of happiness or something? Like whoever climbed the ladder would be a happy person or something like that? Perhaps. Overall, you have a good storyline but the story needs some work.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

I have got a question: are they in a film? I’m sorry to say this, but I was confused by the ending. I generally liked your story, but there are few things I’d like to mention.

1. I noticed some punctuation errors. You have missing periods/full stops and commas at some places, especially in the dialogues. I found it quite distracting. To tackle this problem, I’d suggest you to read it out loud or ask someone else to read it for you.

2. You gave us little to imagine. This piece lacks in descriptions of all the characters – Mr Humfry, Alex, Mia, and the mysterious man. Additionally, the story sounded choppy, stiff, and fast-paced. It ended too quickly – or I felt it did – because I didn’t gain any insight into the character’s thoughts. In most places, you only described Alex’s actions, but not his reactions. As you’re writing in first person, it’s important that you connect us to your character, so we can sympathise with them or understand their perspective/choices/decisions etc.

3. I couldn’t grasp your concept. I figured there must be a moral/lesson Alex learns after seeing “the man”, that he finds some sort of closure. Honestly, I couldn’t see a point to this story if there’s no change in Alex’s thoughts/perspective. Was the story *just* about meeting “the man”, or does it have a meaning behind it? If yes, you need to make that clearer. Does Alex change after these events occur?

Regardless of all above, this is a solid piece of work and it has potential. You’re brilliant at storytelling, but it’s mainly your plot that needs some revision.

Overall, good effort!

Well done, and keep writing!

P.S: I apologise if I sound rude or harsh. I’m just trying to help you improve. Please bear in mind that these are just my opinions. You’re not obligated to follow them if you disagree with me. Thank you for understanding!

Hi Josee! You should really post some more, you're looking rather ghostly >.>

Anyways, onto the review.

This piece needs a lot of work. Like, a lot of work. There's complete lack of characterization, description, everything. Where are they? Why do they go to the attic in the first place? Who the heck is the man anyways? What the fudge is going on, really? This piece makes little sense, I must say.

There's too much dialogue, not enough everything else. I really don't get it, to be honest. Just, what?

Anyways, let me nit-pick.

“Hello.” He says looking back down at his work.

I’m walking into the stairway upstairs as Sandra appears from around the corner.

There was music playing in the background.