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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Plain but deep --- also,not really a poem
keep writing
Hey Josec,
Let me know if you have any other questions or concerns!
It's Audy here to review your poem, though I'll be honest, I didn't think this was intended to be a prose poem, was it? I'm going to assume that your format was off, because there are no line breaks of which to speak of D:
That being said, I do like the earnestness in the voice here, but I'm not sure the hypothetical questions or the drawn out, repetitive sentences really serve your purpose so well. Why not keep it concise? For example, instead of the list: Monsters who hurt others, monsters who lie, monsters who kill -- why not just: Monsters who hurt, lie, and kill. Keep it short, simple, sweet. Poetry is meant to be precise and efficient, and it definitely helps to create a memorable piece.
I do like the metaphor of having people who choose to do bad and relating them to monsters. The last line hits that much more powerful because of it.
Great job, keep writing!
~ as always, Audy
Ooh, this is deep and awesome and I like it. I love the repetition of monsters and the poem's sense of unease. There are places where I feel you lose the flow of the poem a bit, but besides that, it's a really nice piece. Some of the phrases about people stretch a little long and are a bit confusing, but I love the comparison of monsters to people, how we're all monsters because we're just all lying to ourselves and we shouldn't be afraid of those who are lying to ourselves because that means in a sense, we're afraid of our sense, and maybe that's why we're scared of monsters, because they remind us of what we are. In other words, your poem made me think, which was really refreshing. It should be one of the goals of all good literature, to make people think, but there's not much that does anymore. That's why I like yours; just work on the flow.
Not a bad piece. I like how you have brought to attention the "monsters" of the world. Whether we like it or not they are there around us everyday pretending to be good people and the thought of that is very scary.
Might I suggest adding this into the narrative section instead of the poetry section? As it is not really in verse or in a poetry format. There were a few grammar issues..
-Some sentences don't have a space between them and the punctuation before.
-You can't start sentences with "and " so you should combine those sentences.
-"alot" is actually "A lot" (two words).
-remember to capitalize your "I"
There was also the sentence "people who care about others even though they have no desire to care about others." I had to read twice. It sort of repeats itself and because of it is not a compete sentence as the idea is never finished. Not to mention a tad confusing.
Happy Writing!