the popato cried when he saw himself. sometimes even farted when near people and everyone would just faint or run. the potato when having fights he would punch him self by accident. he was driving along the road then crashed. he was clumsy he would drop plates on his head then scream. he would look at carrots they would cry and dissapear. a whale shrinked when they saw him. girls farted when they saw him. when he swam a fish would turn into air. when he ran the whole earth erupted. he was indeed fat he was banned from kfc for going in there too much. cheeseburgers were scared of him so they ran away or kick him in the leg. facial acne was afraid of appearing on his face. so in the end he just jumped out the window.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay, so I haven't really ever read anything where there's no capitals - so nice work for showing me how the technique works! But good thing you had full stops, otherwise I might have been lost.
I thought the piece was meant to be humorous, and it was. I laughed as I read it, and the stream of consciouness worked for me. I sort of do feel sorry for the potato, but I'm amused too much to really care. The repeat mentions of farting...they kind of cracked me up as well, although I wouldn't say I'm too keen on toilet-humour usually. I love how the potato was banned from KFC and how you end with a note on the 'acne'.
Anyway, I love a bit of light humour, so thanks for the read.
Welcome to YWS! Always great to see new writers here.
For starters I have to say that your poem is very saddening.
Mostly because your description of the potato was sad, but partly because it's so unpolished. You've really got to use better grammar if you want people to take you seriously and give you good crits on this site. Take this constructively and in the future keep it in mind.
I like your free verse structure and stream of conscious form. I liked the way the story sort of escalated to a dramatic peak. I'm not sure if I like the use of the word "farting" however. It almost seemed immature, but if that's how you want to write it all I ask is for a PM explaining your word choice because it had me puzzled at points.
Otherwise this poem has potential and you should keep posting things to improve.