Nightly ere nightfall I entered the sea
To visit the maiden once taken from me
For the maiden once loved so dearly by me
Now dwells at the bottom of the ever-deep sea
Once loved and still loved so dearly by me
Nightly ere nightfall for my love I yearned
As I watched the so horribly emptiest urn
And I wished for the maiden once dwelt in the urn
For the love she once gave me still then I would yearn
“Come to the sea,” often beckoned the urn
In the sea she is scattered forevermore
All the love from my heart the scatters too bore
For I left her but always the urn I had bore
I had chosen to visit her forevermore
Though the same pain I nightly bore
Nightly ere nightfall I enter the sea
Though the scatters are no longer that maiden I freed
For her soul above now eternally freed
No longer dwells in the ever-deep sea
Yet always I visit that ever-deep sea
Loveless by her and loveless by me
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,821 Reviews
Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in a quick review. Overall I really enjoyed this piece I get a lot of different energies and places I feel you could have taken inspiration from. ( Though that is not a bad thing at all ) Mainly I get the feeling of old selike or siren myths mixed with Poes The Raven and Anabell Lee.
I only have a nitpick regarding the piece that could just be me and in no way needs to be acted on. I notice you overuse words like Ever Deep Sea or Bore and Urn. To show how changing the words to avoid it off as a nit to repetive I will alter a line a tad In a way that might keep the flow.
" No longer dwells in the ever-deep sea
Yet always I visit that ever-deep sea
Loveless by her and loveless by me" I would change the second to last line to something like this.
No longer dwells in the ever-deep sea
Yet always I visit loyally.
Loveless by her and loveless by me"
I am no pro so take what you want from this Keep writing and drink water!
Nice work done by the author.
The title is also very interesting encouraging the readers to read further.
"Nightly ere nightfall for my love I yearned
As I watched the so horribly emptiest urn
And I wished for the maiden once dwelt in the urn"
Love is a divine feeling in which you feel happy to be with each other and to be there for each other, but its consequences come with both pain and pleasure.
The author has explained the journey of love so beautifully in this poem, and also how this journey ended.
Awesome.
Keep it up.
Waiting for more.
Thank you.