Published July 27, 2011
Story has been removed. A new work is in the making.
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138,161 Literary Works • 672,076 Reviews
Thank you! I did not read it before I posted it, because it was just something I do not like re-living. I guess I ended it so abrubtly so I could stop going over and over what happened. I will turn it into a better piece in the future. Again, thank you so much for your advice!
Hm... I think this piece might have actually worked better as written in first person. The "she"s at the beginning really got confusing, and I personally feel closer to the narrator if it's in first person. There's someone to associate with.
Nitpick time:
If he doesn't talk to you anymore, than him talking about how disgusting she was must have happened in the past.
Rearrangement timee:
This way, we go from "he turned your friends against you, how that makes you feel, but finally you'll be able to escape them." As opposed to "he turned your friends against you, you'll escape for three weeks, how that makes you feel." The order helps the emotions flow more, yes?
You make vague references to what could turn out to be very interesting scenes. Something my English teacher once told me was that select scenes with the correct details will actually bring us closer to the narrator than vague references. So... take us to one of your fights. Bring us into the break-up scene. What does he say that hurts so much? Why? What cut the heart? Vague references just won't do it for readers. When you feel like you're ready, you can turn this into a real story.
Erk. He can only "finally be gone" once. I would delete the first one. And I don't really understand the "giving in" part. She knew his number by heart... so? Why does she feel driven to text/call him? If you say that, then you can move on to her refusal to give in to that urge.
Vague, again? Like it seems normal that she would drive to his street and stop the car... why is she suddenly telling him to walk? What exactly has he been doing in the car? What has he been saying? How does that make you feel? Details, specifics, reactions... that's what will make this story real to readers.
Hehe I see that first person. But when did you find out that the whole thing had been a joke? You're at the mall, and your friend points out that this guy is staring. Suddenly, you have this revelation about your ex, and all of a sudden the world is better. I don't buy it. I think what you're missing here is a climax of a sort. Some specific event that triggers a change, or just some instance when you realize that "hey, I don't care about this guy anymore." Too much of the story is told in a general sort of way; "Then he broke up with me, then he swore at me, then he texted me, then he stared at me." I want to know the gritty details. "His face was livid as he swore at me. 'You're a ________! What the ___ is wrong with you?' I cringed, my chest tight and my throat burning with tears. (Will you cry, or not? Will you stand up for yourself? Walk away?)" Stuff like that. Bring us into the scene and make it real.
I really like this poem to me so many girls/ boys but mostly girls go though this. It really is a nice poem I am new here and I don't really know what to do so I am trying to earn some poems I will add you so them maybe if you want you can show me what to do or tell me something about here.
My friend Is WishYouHadThis and Lele253isme ( she is my sister) so if you know them ( or don't) them add them. Now back to your beautiful poem it was great and I loved it I hope it becomes the post of the day or something like that.
Hey, Jordan.
I wanted to point something out to you, and I was able to find something to point it out clearly. Here:
So you wrote it in first person, and changed it to third. But that's not what it sounds like. It still sounds like it's in first person, you telling your friend everything that happened.
The problem with this piece is that you're WAY too close to it. You think it's interesting and heartbreaking because you were inside of it, you know every emotion that went along with it. But you put none of those emotions into the piece, except trying to justify why you're better.
Think about stories that you read. They have a story arc. They have a beginning, middle, an end, a purpose, something that happens, someone that changes. You didn't seem to change in this story. At the beginning you thought you were worth it all and at the end you thought the same. It might be more interesting from his point of view if he genuinely realized his mistake, because then he'd have changed, but from here it's not.
And also, there's not really an end yet. I feel like you're still going through this, still thinking about it and emotionally attached, so you don't know where it ends, which is one of the problems with non-fiction or creative non-fiction. If you write about it when you're too close or when it's still going, you miss things, STORY things, that you might pick up when it finishes or when you're at a distance.
I would recommend, if you still feel strongly about telling this story, try it from his point of view. He changed. Find how he changed. I know you changed as well, since we all change like everyday, but in this story, there didn't seem to be any growth for "you" as a character.
I hope you get what I'm saying. If you don't, or have other questions, shoot me a PM!
Welcome to YWS and keep at it. : )
Hannah