The Sun

hey,
thanks for the comments, i'll edit the poem accordingly
cheers

Lovely. Love poetry plus celestial bodies equals brilliance to me. Biased maybe since I love astronomy too much but not really because this poem was effing good.

Although I must agree that this doesn't flow too well. The rhythm stops suddenly in some parts. However, I don't think its too big an impairment because despite the slight problem on flow this still conveyed the emotions so well and was still utterly beautiful.

hey I really like this man.. gold star defs.

The words were used sparsely and effectively and gave a real punchy feel; the analogy was really original and the imagery to worked with it nicely

A few things:



I am [s]like[/s] the planets as they revolve around (a metaphor would be better with such a srong analogy)
The centre of the solar system.
Your gravity, I can't resist
A force akin to magnetism, but so much greater
Yet hidden and subtle
Drawing me in. (tense.. i think lol)

Held in place with the invisible chains
Of your attraction. (I don't think attraction can belong to someone...different word???)
I could easily cut the chords
But I'm happily tied up.
And [s]as[/s]though[/b] I dance your cute routine .......I love this
I don't move. I really am, (cannot rather than don't... fixes the contradiction with the last line)
Just your puppet on a string

Like an innocent fly,
I head for the glow of your beauty,
The light of your smile ensnares me,
I enter the warm sunlight, overuse of light... different word??)
And the shadow that is hope vanishes, perhaps cool shadow... as a shadow is generally the opposite to hope...)
Because just like the sun,
You burn any that get too close.

( I think you can strengthen the last line a bit.... stronger words... but I just read it again and it seemed fine so :S.. up to you)


Overall though this was great man... don't mean to sound to critical because I like it a lot

This was a very nice poem with a well-written analogy.

The flow was very broken, and I had trouble finding a rythym, and since this poem sort of has a them of being caught in a pattern, revolving around the sun, I think it needs one.

I am like the planets as they revolve around
The centre of the solar system.
Your gravity, I can't resist
A force akin to magnetism, but so much greater
Yet hidden and subtle
Draws me in.

But I'm happily tied up.
And as I dance your cute routine
I don't move. I really am,
Just your puppet on a string

Like an innocent fly,
I head for the glow of your beauty,
The light of your smile ensnares me,
I enter the warm sunlight,
And the shadow that is hope vanishes,
Because just like the sun,
You burn any that get too close.