Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Runes Of WonderLand
Writer-.S.N.T.B
No ticking ch. 1
Alex… where are you, you’re late… ALEX!!! Ahhh! Not again Alex mumbled under his breath. He took a deep breath and swung his legs to the side of the bed and planted his hands on his head slicking the side of his hair back. That dam dream he thought to himself. Ever sense his cousin went missing 20 years ago he’s had a terrible dream of a one eyed rabbit on this day impeticular the anniversary of when she went missing. He and his family always go to meet up with the rest of the family at the old log cabin where she went missing. He rubbed his eyes and walked over to his clock and checked the time. 4:00 am. Great he thought 4 hours tell they leave and he’s sure in hell not going back to bed he sat up and went to his computer and started typing his essay
4hrs later
“Alex were leaving” finally he thought to himself he grabbed his bag and ran down the stairs and out the front door.it was a long drive about 13 hours not including the hour we had to wait because of an accident. Finally we got there at about 1 in the morning the rest of the family was already here so we started of course the kids were already sleeping besides Mikey who was 6 months old in my sisters arms .it was a long night that I spent sitting in the corner with my book finally it all settled down at about 7 when most of the adults passed out drunk or exhausted the kids just starting to wake up. I stood up stretched hearing my bones slowly rumble I started toward the kitchen when a missile was launched at my head from the right I stopped just in time to see it wiss past my face I heard to snickering children on the other side of the wall and instantly knew who the attackers were… the twins ash and Cole. ash was older by a minute give or take so he always called the shots when it involved those to they are my least favorite cousins and that’s saying something Cole didn’t talk much but he did pull a lot of pranks and went with whatever ash says. I went around to come up behind them but it looked like Cole was already ahead of me and right as I stepped into the firing ranged I was instantly hit by a missile grabbed my chest and slowing sank to the ground making. gurgling noises and finally stopped with my eyes closed I waited for them to come up before I snatched both of em in head locks. They started stabbing me with daggers (toilet paper tubes) I released them and watched them stumble off down the hall. I stretched out and started walking for the door to get some fresh air then out of nowhere a little white rabbit jumped in front of the door it stared at me for a moment then darted for the back door. I don’t know what made me have the urge to follow it but I did and it was fast it shot up the side of the mountain and stopped at the very top as I climbed it started to get warmer and warmer I grabbed a branch hanging off the top and heaved myself up I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths and when I opened then it was as if I’ve been teleported to a new land I looked around and instead of seeing snow and a mountain top I seen a large vast dessert and it was hot I started back to the end of the cliff and realized it wasn’t there it had disappeared clenched my chest in pain and fell to the ground breathing heavily. I closed my eyes and slowly rose to my feet and started counting. This must be a dream I thought it has to be this is impossible. i opened my eyes and I was still here but now there was an old shack and a large rock to the right it. it was a little bigger than an out house and the door was boarded up it was really beat up. He looked at the rock and just barley caught a glimpse of a boot moving out of sight he started walking towards the rock then hesitated, if this person was hiding from him it was for a reason he could be dangerous. He thought it over and chose to slowly approach the rock on the opposite side. As he approached the rock he felt a quick breeze then it was gone he rounded the corner catching a quick look of the person then nearly fainting fell backwards screaming. It was a skeleton with meat left only on his right leg rats in the skull and chest and some nibbling the leg making it move. in the man’s … what used to be a hand was a note. He looked at it and stood up and shook his head and started pacing back and forth talking to himself. “No I can’t it’s disgusting… but it could have a way home… no. it would be disrespecting the dead… ugh!!! Okay just grab it Alex” he slowing moved to the other side of the body trying not to disturb the rats. He slowly reached for the for the note at that moment the head swung to the right looking right at him he screamed again and stumbled back the skull spoke and said beware the rabbit hole and miracle dissipated into dust as did the rats all that was left was the note.
Entrance to wonderland
Oh my god that did not just happen. Alex turned around clenching his stomach about to see what he had for dinner. he turned back around to see nothing but the note he looked around and still seeing nothing but dessert. He started slowly walking toward the note with caution. He picked it up it was brittle and burned but all the words were still readable. It said “ follow the dog”-Alice … what. No this is just a sick joke he thought. This can’t be real… can it? In his state of confusion he failed to see the dog sneaking up behind him… all of the sudden the beast pounced on him growling he clenched his eyes and covered his face he stayed that way for minutes after the dog even stopped growling with the dog still on him he slowly put his arms down and open his eyes to see a dog (black and white husky mix) sitting on him with his head slightly in a confused way. He slowly sat up the dog watching his every move. The dog slowing approached him sniffed then jumped back which startled Alex. He got into a playful stance waiting for a motion. Alex put his hand down to propel himself back up and put his hand on something slimy he looked down and seen a tennis ball. All of the sudden the dog when wild jumping around He took his hand off the ball and the dog started whining. He picked the ball up with his 3 finger and shook it and once again the dog went wild. He pointed off into the distance and said “fetch” and hurled the ball as far as he could the dog watched the ball sail then walked right up to Alex. Alex slowly knelt and let the dog sniff his hand when it was done it nudge his hand onto its head motioning for him to pet it. He sat there for a while with the dog rereading the note wondering what was going on. It was getting dark. He stood up stretched and decided to look at the rock again as soon as he started walking towards it the dog jumped in front of him and started growling viciously. Alex stumbled back confused at the sudden change the dog barked then walked towards the shack. Alex looked at the note again. “Follow the dog” he said to himself he looked back up just in time to see the dog disappear under one of the boards across the door. He jogged over to the shack and peered inside all he could see was darkest. He started to tug on the boards until he realized it was bordered up from the other side. Odd he thought I quickly circled the structure seeing the 2 windows all so bordered up from the other side. He went back to the door and gave it a swift kick. Not much of an impact. He tried again a bit harder. This time his foot went through the board leaving a hole and trapping his foot. Dammit. Real cool Alex” he mumbled he struggled to get his foot out after many attempts and his leg getting soar he tugged off his shoe and slipped his foot out. He sat there to think for a moment the randomly hoped up took a few steps back then ran full speed at the boards. He jumped at the last minute slamming into the boards sailing through the boards and falling in to a wide deep hole just barley seeing the dog floating and slowing molting into a cat with a twisted smile…
A strange new world
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi rose here for a review
Your story is v interesting and I would like to know what happens but the grammatical errors spoil it a bit. It’s hard to read cos of the no paragraphs thing so maybe put some in. Also you need to brush up on your punctuation capital letters sentence length full stops as well as basically everything grammatical. You also jump from first person to second person which is REALLY BAD.
Don’t understand the ‘his 3 finger’ bit or when he thinks he is dangerous. Why would someone think that? Makes no sense.
Overall it’s a good storyline but everything that can go wrong with the grammar has gone wrong. I give this a 2/10 whereas it could have gotten an 8.
Thx Rose
PART TWO
"Oh my god, that did not just happen." Alex turned around clenching his stomach, about to see what he had had for dinner. He turned back around to see nothing but the note he looked around, still seeing nothing but dessert. He started slowly walking toward the note with caution. He picked it up; it was brittle and burned but all the words were still readable. It said, "Follow the dog. -Alice"
"What? No, this is just a sick joke." he thought. This can’t be real… can it?
In his state of confusion, he failed to see the dog sneaking up behind him. All of the sudden, the beast pounced on him, growling. He clenched his eyes and covered his face. Alex stayed that way for minutes after the dog even stopped growling. With the dog still on him, he slowly put his arms down and open his eyes to see a dog, which happened to be a black and white husky mix, sitting on him with his head slightly in a confused way
The dog hopped off him while getting up and Alex got into a sitting potion. He got into a playful stance, waiting for a motion. Alex put his hand down to propel himself back up and put his hand on something slimy. He looked down and saw a tennis ball. The dog went wild, jumping around. He took his hand off the ball and the dog started whining. He picked the ball up with three fingers and shook it and once again the dog went wild. He pointed off into the distance.
“Fetch,” Alex whispered and hurled the ball as far as he could the dog watched the ball sail then walked right up to Alex. Alex slowly knelt and let the dog sniff his hand. When it was done, it nudged his hand onto its head motioning for him to pet it. He sat there for a while with the dog, rereading the note wondering what was
It was getting dark. He stood up stretched and decided to look at the rock again. As soon as he started walking towards it, the dog jumped in front of him and started growling viciously. Alex stumbled back, confused at the sudden change. The dog barked then walked towards the shack. Alex looked at the note again.
“Follow the dog,” he said to himself. He looked back up just in time to see the dog disappear under one of the boards across the door. He jogged over to the shack and peered inside all he could see was darkness. He started to tug on the boards until he realized it was boarded up from the other side.
"Odd." He thought. He quickly circled the structure seeing the two windows all so bordered up from the other side. He went back to the door and gave it a swift kick. Not much of an impact. He tried again a bit harder. This time his foot went through the board, leaving a hole and trapping his foot.
"Dammit. Real cool, Alex.” he mumbled. He struggled to get his foot out after many attempts and his leg getting soar, he tugged off his shoe and slipped his foot out. He sat there to think for a moment the randomly hoped up, took a few steps back, then ran full speed at the boards. He jumped at the last minute slamming into the boards sailing through the boards and falling in to a wide deep hole just barley seeing the dog floating and slowing molting into a cat with a twisted smile…
--
Definitely an interesting story. You interested me well, and I'm not too interested in many things. Great job! Remember, paragraphs are important. Dialogue is too.
PART ONE OF EDITS
Hello, hello. Eternity here to review your lovely work~
I just wanted to start off by saying this is a well written piece and I enjoyed reading it. I really liked the way you wrote this because it is a style I'm not familiar with. I like it though. One thing I would recommend is not making everything bold.
Editing Zone
Okay, so I like the way you wrote this however there are some things I'm going to help edit. All my edits will be in red.
"Alex… where are you? You’re late… ALEX!!!"
"Erg, not again..." Alex mumbled under his breath. He took a deep breath and swung his legs to the side of the bed and planted his hands on his head, slicking the side of his hair back. "That damn dream," he thought to himself. Ever sense his cousin went missing 20 years ago, he’s had a terrible dream of a one eyed rabbit. This day in particular is the anniversary of when she went missing. He and his family always go to meet up with the rest of the family at the old log cabin where she went missing. He rubbed his eyes and walked over to his clock and checked the time. It read 4:00 am. "Great," he thought. "Four hours until they leave."
He sure as hell was not going back to bed. He sat up and went to his computer and started typing his essay[color=red].
Okay, moving on:
When stating this, make sure it's spelled fully. So Four Hours Later OR 4 Hour Later. I recommend the first though.
Here's some advice: Always remember to space your writing out. This paragraph is one run on paragraph which can be boring to the reader.
Here's my edits, which I shall just highlight the whole paragraph in red:
“Alex, we're leaving!”
"Finally," he thought to himself. He grabbed his bag and ran down the stairs, out the front door. It was a long drive; about thirteen hours, not including the hour we had to wait because of an accident. Finally, we got there at about one in the morning. The rest of the family was already here so we started. Of course, the kids were already sleeping besides Mikey, who was 6 months old. It was a long night that I spent sitting in the corner with my book. Finally, it all settled down at about 7. That's when most of the adults passed out, drunk or exhausted.
The kids all woke up the next morning. I stood up and stretched, hearing my bones slowly rumble. I started toward the kitchen when a small missile was launched at my head from the right. I stopped just in time to see it wiz past my face. I heard the snickering children on the other side of the wall and instantly knew who the attackers were; Ash and Cole.
Ash was older by a minute, give or take, so he always called the shots. When it involved those two, they are my least favorite cousins and that’s saying something. Cole didn’t talk much but he did pull a lot of pranks and went with whatever Ash said. I went around to come up behind them but it looked like Cole was already ahead of me and right as I stepped into the firing ranged I was instantly hit by another foam missile. I grabbed my chest and slowing sank to the ground making gurgling noises and finally stopped with my eyes closed. I waited for them to come up before I snatched both of them in head locks. They started stabbing me with their pretend daggers; which in fact were toilet paper tubes. I released them and watched them stumble off down the hall.
I stretched out and started walking for the door to get some fresh air. Out of nowhere, a little white rabbit jumped in front of the door. It stared at me for a moment then darted for the back door. I don’t know what made me have the urge to follow it but I did and it was fast. It shot up the side of the mountain and stopped at the very top as I climbed it started to get warmer and warmer I grabbed a branch hanging off the top and heaved myself up. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths and when I opened them, it was as if I’ve been teleported to a new land. I looked around and instead of seeing snow and a mountain top, I saw a large vast dessert and it was hot. I started back to the end of the cliff and realized it wasn’t there; it had disappeared. I clenched my chest in pain and fell to the ground breathing heavily. I closed my eyes and slowly rose to my feet and started counting.
This must be a dream...
I opened my eyes and I was still here but now there was an old shack and a large rock to the right it. it was a little bigger than an out house and the door was boarded up. He looked at the rock and just barley caught a glimpse of a boot moving out of sight.
Err- no no no. Think realistically. Would someone actually think that?
He thought it over and chose to slowly approach the rock on the opposite side. Again, if you think about it, Alex just told himself it's bad. Make sure youre writing makes sense.
As he approached the rock, he felt a quick breeze then it was gone. He rounded the corner catching a quick look of the person then nearly fainting, he fell backwards screaming. It was a skeleton with meat left only on his right leg, rats in the skull and chest, and some nibbling the leg, making it move. In the man’s, what used to be a hand, was a note.
He looked at it and stood up. Alex shook his head and started pacing back and forth, talking to himself.
“No, I can’t do it. That's disgusting." There was a pause, "But it could have a way home…no. it would be disrespecting the dead…ugh!!! Okay, just grab it Alex...” he slowing moved to the other side of the body trying not to disturb the rats. He slowly reached for the note. At that moment, the head swung to the right looking right at him. He screamed again and stumbled back. The skull grumbled, "Beware the rabbit hole." The miracle dissipated into dust as did the rats all that was left was the note.
ok i just like to thank you very much i didnt think you were going that far i really aprciate your help ill work hard on making it better
I'm glad I could help. I'll help you with any editing needed
Just shoot me a message.
can i ask a question
Sure
Hi! I love Alice in Wonderland so I was curious about this story.
First off, there where quite a few grammar errors but those can be fixed easily.
Original:
"Alex were leaving" finally he thought to himself he grabbed his bag...
Correction:
"Alex, we're leaving!" Finally, he thought to himself. He grabbed his bag...
Original:
...stairs.it was a...
Correction:
...stairs. It was a...
Original:
...my sisters arms .it...
Correction/ ...my sister's arms. It...
Original:
I stood up stretched hearing my bones rumble...
Correction:
I stood up and stretched, hearing my bones rumble...
Another thing:
Bones don't rumble. They can crack, pop or hurt but they don't really rumble so that should be changed to make it realistic and correct.
Original:
...the twins ash and Cole. ash was...
Correction:
...the twins, Ash and Cole. Ash was...
Original:
...stretched out and started walking for the door...
Correction:
...stretched out and started walking to the door...
Original:
...get some freash air then out of nowhere...
Correction:
...get some fresh aid when then, out of nowhere...
Original:
...front of the door it stared...
Correction:
...front of the door. It stared...
Original:
...pounced on him growling he clenched...
Correction:
...pounced on him, growling. He clenched...
Original:
...see a dog (black and white husky mix) sitting on him...
Correction:
...see a black and white husky dog sitting on him...
Original:
Odd he thought I quickly...
Correction:
Odd he thought. He quickly...
Now just one last thing, maybe add more thought to Alex. Something to keep it going besides description. This one is just an option though
I really, truly loved this story and will be very happy to read the next part when it comes out!!
thank you verry much for that ill get to work on fixing it
Normally I’m not interested in stories with little dialogue but your story genuinely hooked me, and it’s an interesting plot. Also this is my first time reviewing so disregard anything you know is obviously wrong, and tell me about it so I don’t go spouting to others incorrect information.
First I suggest giving dialogue its own space, or explaining there is an outside voice. In the example below, I assumed Alex was speaking to himself.
EX: “Alex were leaving” finally he thought to himself he….
Instead you should write. :
EX: “Alex were leaving” [Someone yelled.] Finally he thought to himself he….
Next your story is too cluttered try separating into smaller paragraphs.
I also suggest adding detailed descriptions because your story’s genre is in horror. The part where you describe the rotting skeleton or the one-eyed rabbit is a good opportunity to scare your readers. Try to use all six senses when describing. Did you see the brain of the rabbit looking into that empty socket? Did the rats play with eyeball of the rotting skeleton?
thanks thats really good just have thoughts in my head and through them all out so kinda gets messy thanks for the second veiw ill get to work on that