[first script I've done so please destroy my hopes and dreams with your reviews make me cry deep into the night so I wake up and go bitch and yell to people I don't like, he shall remain unknown because if I tell you he'll have the cop's on me like that *clicks fingers* no I'm not joking, well just a little don't make me cry]
Teaser Episode
The Second Lifers
[black door opening into bright white room Two men are struggling to hold down a man as a man holding a needle comes closer camera approaches slowly to the scene until you can only see the Mans eyes. he blinks and the camera reverses quickly then cut to dark room right up to Adams eyes they open and he scream for 10 seconds while sitting up before stopping]
Adam[whisper]: It's only a dream [cut to out side his apartment] it's only a dream [cut to outside of city looking down on new york] It's only a dream [cut to outer space looking down on earth a satellite passes into view and you see a diamond with a cross through it under neath it says second life]
Sorry it's so short didn't have much time I'll probably edit some more stuff into it though
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm going to review what I can because there's not really a whole lot to review. First off, when you're writing scripts, you need to use good grammar, and punctuations. Otherwise, how the heck are the actors hired to play the part supposed to know what you're talking about! It's all very confusing, although I feel this has the potential to be good, you've just got to find a premise, characters, and a good plot. Go for itttttttt
Hello Jok101! I am Winter and I shall review your script.
Well... There's really nothing for me to review. Not because it's perfect, because it's so short. The only dialogue is the repeating "It's only a dream."
Here are my suggestions:
These are run-on sentences. Try "Black door opens to a bright white room. Two men are struggling to hold down a man (what's the man's name?). Another man advances towards the others holding a needle. Slowly, the camera zooms in on the scene until all you can see is the eye of the man being held down. He blinks. The camera reverses quickly and cuts to a dark room. The camera is zoomed in on Adam's (who's Adam?) closed eye. Adam opens his eye, sits up and screams for ten seconds."
Ok, first of all you need to give these men names so that we know who is who. "A man is holding down another man and then a man comes in with a needle and the camera zooms in on the man..." See what I mean?
You mention some one named Adam. Who is Adam? He comes out of nowhere. Which man is he?
I think you need to add a lot more description, plot, dialogue and characterization for this to be counted as a script. When you do add more, PM me. I would love to give this a real critique. Thanks!
-Winter