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Young Writers Society



Chapter Two: Releif

by jok101


Jack stared up the barrel of the loaded gun. He new he had to chose his next word's carefully but couldn't help himself from blurting out. "Please, I didnt mean any disrespect by lying to you, it's just you know I'm a little white guy and your dangerous chavey looking Asians, I mean you pulled a gun on me so I was kind of right, oh please don't kill me". Jack said falling to his knees with his hand 's together. All the Asians let out a bit of laughter, all except the one with the gun. "My sister always had bad taste in men" The Asian guy with the rug said before giving Jack a hand up. "So your Mira brother, it's Ted right" Ted nodded putting the gun away. Ted took out two joint's and offered Jack one "sorry not really my cup a tea Ted" He nodded as if to say to each is own passing one of the joint's to the one Asian who hadn't taken ten steps back. The other four Asians were behind them talking amongst them selves. Jack, lost in his own thoughts jumped a bit when Ted talked. "So have you slept with my sister" Ted asked stopping by the Exit the heavy rain out side had started up again. "No I haven't," Jack said answering honestly ,"um.. out of um intreast what would you of done if I'd said I had slept with Mira".

"well let's just say you wouldn't be sleeping with any other girls ever". Ted smiled at the thought that was passing through his head at that moment "oh yeah why wouldn't I be sleeping with any other girls" Jack asked dumbly.

"You wouldn't be properly equipped" Ted said stepping out into the Rain. As the last Asian passed he gave Jack a parcel and told Jack to stay here for ten minutes after they'd left. "Do that job do it well alright" Ted said stopping with his crew "I will Ted don't worry"

"swear"

"Yeah Ted I swear to god" Jack said nervously "who's god your god or my god"

"just cause I'm Irish doesn't mean I'm christian, I mean I could be Muslim like you" Ted laughed to himself

"your white brev and Irish". Jack nodded to himself as the crew walked away.

Danny walked into James Mum's house to find him smoking the bong. James mum was out of town for eight months and some how thought that James was responsible enough to look after himself and the house. For the first couple of weeks James had kept the house clean but then he'd let some of his mates like Danny and Jack move in as well as two others, Ganji and Jake. "what ya smoking mate?" Danny asked James "some Buddhist incense mate it gives you a bad bloody cough but it's good shit" James sucked up some incense smoke and let it out slowly. "You wouldn't believe my luck James, I'm about to do Emily and she asks me if I have AIDS of all the people to believe that bloody rumour" Danny through his Jacket at the coat rack and sat down on the sofa with a bottle of beer "you know she did save her self from AIDS" James teased. Danny kicked James giving him a dead arm "it's not fucking true you asshole"

"have a test ,show me the results then I'll believe you". Asshole Danny said to himself as he got up from the sofa the smoke was making his eyes burn. Jack walked over too Danny and pulled him lightly into the kitchen. Jack opened the package that he'd already looked in himself so that he could show it two Danny. The package had two glock revolvers in it and a big brick of crack. Their was also a piece of paper with a licence plate number and an address on the back of the piece of paper were some car keys. "You've got to help mate I need ya for this one,see we've got to deliver it too some fucking school boy in a boarding school middle of London, see Ted supplies him and he sells the stuff to all the prats at his school you know".

"So sounds easy enough why do you need me".

"simple, it's in the middle of London and I have a big brick of crack how much more reason do I need" .

"Fair enough, can I drive"

"No!" Jack said snatching the package away from him.


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User avatar
216 Reviews


Points: 9593
Reviews: 216

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Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:04 am
asxz wrote a review...



This story has potential, but it's really short. I think that you need to go through, fix up all of the greammar (MS word is best) and then bulk it up with feelings and descriptions.
What is yuor character doing? does a lump rise in his throat? is he relieved when he finds out it's his girlsfriends brother? does he curse himelf mentally when he opens his beg mouth? Bulk it up, and then I'll review it properly. PM me when you're done!




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12 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 12

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Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:07 am
Arekkusu wrote a review...



Hmm, im the first person to review, am i? I suppose i should be nice, so on with the harsh critique...

This needs to be looked through. And don't even THINK about writing another one, if you haven't already, because you need to re-do this one, and then the other one. NO punctuation, and you need to start writing properly. Varying sentance leangths, you know. Please go through it, do grammar and commas, and i will then see if it has the potential i think it has. PM me when this happens, ok?

-Arekkusu





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