z

Young Writers Society



last thoughts

by johnny2x4


I asume now more then ever I held an opurtunity of chance to give my night something of worth. The music in the room swelled to a fine point finding me standing in the corner alone with a flask in hand. I took a few swigs from the flask before retiring it to my over coat pocket. A crowd was emerging at the center of the room, people of all sizes, in their finest atire, stood around at what ever was at the center of their attention. The way the music was going I could tell it was probably a couple dancing in the center, the music gave way to something of Frank Sinatra and The Jesus and Mary Chain. Heavly distorted and lyrics that were lady killers.

In the midst of observing I lost track of my attention to make my night of worth. Instead of getting back on track I left the building and went outside for some fresh air. It was there in the garden with it's Roman like fountains and lush colorfull landscape that was visible even at night: that I found her sitting all by herself.

I carefully watched her from behind the saftey of a statue, which appeared to be something of Venus de Millo. She wore a red dress that suited her so well, the fabric seeme to hug her every curve. Her legs were crossed leaving a sliver on the side of the dress open, her legs seemed to go on for days. She rested her chin on her palm and gazed sleeply out into the far corners of the garden. A pearl necklace wrapped twice around her neck glittered in the moonlight, leaving a chain of light hanging just beneath her neck.

I turned direction of my body to get a better look, not knowing that my change in position now casted a longated shadow across the lawn in her front of her. I bit down my lip on the sudden confusion that appeared her face. She turned to my direction, it was pointless to keep hiding. I came out from behind the statue.

"Hello", I said "I don't mean to disturb you, I was just taking a walk when I came across you"

She tilted her head, giving the moonlight a better chance to reveal her face.

"Do you find that crowd inside as depressing as I do?" she asks.

I could see her whole face perfectly now, She was beautiful. Her hair was wavy, long and dark brown, extending past her shoulders. Her lips was pouty like a British orphan, her skin seemed fair with a tone of pale milky cream. The way she held her compostion let me know she was aware of her ability over men.

"I do now considering your not apart of it", I say.

She gives up a sweet smile.

"Sit down", she says "stay awhile"

I take my seat next to her on the stone bench. The sound of crickets is now ever present to our surrounding chirp-chirp they go, chirp-chirp.

"Smoke?", she asks.

Holding out a long white cylinder.

"Sure", I say and take the stick away from her.

I breath easier now with every drag of the cigerette. My pulse becomes slower and I feel almost like Im experiencing an out of body feeling.

"So", she says "what brings you here?"

I reach into my coat pocket, feeling past the metalic flask to a piece of folded paper. I show it to her.

"Awh" she says "a private invotation, that explains it"

"What about you?" I ask

She takes the cigerette from my hand.

"Younger sister was invited too" she explains "she likes parties and wanted me to come"

I nod my head.

"Now your stuck here until she tires herself out" I say

She smiles as she takes a drag.

"That won't be for anytime soon" She says.

There's a pause in the moment.

"I didn't get your name by the way" I say.

"Thats because I never gave it to you" she says.

"May I have it?" I ask

She shakes her head.

"Why not?" I ask

"Because" she says "if I do that you'll get attached to me"

"Who says Im not attached already to you?" I say

"How can you?" she asks

"Why by the sound of your voice, or the length of your hair, or just simply by the glare of your presence" I say

She smiles.

"Your very eager aren't you? She says.

"More eager then I have been in a long time" I answer moving closer to her.

The crickets still blurt out loud with their music, and in the backround the sounds from inside the large house pierce through the night.

"You don't even know me" She says with faint whsiper, her hand reaches for mine.

"Yes I do" I answer, I grab her hand and move her body closer to me.

"Really?" she says as her eyes begin to sleeply close, "what do you know?"

"I know" I say as our noses brush against each other, "that you have supple lips"

We kiss.


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158 Reviews


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Sat Mar 14, 2009 5:13 pm
Lauren wrote a review...



Hi :) So, I'm going to nit-pick as I read through, and then give a little summary at the end, okay?

I asume now more then ever I held an opurtunity of chance to give my night something of worth.
Whoa, super-confusing sentence. I had to read it twice to comprehend.
I'm at a loss for improvements... could you just try to make it more concise? Break it up a little, perhaps.

The music in the room swelled to a fine point finding me standing in the corner alone with a flask in hand.
Commas make it easier to read. It's just not working at the moment, you know?

In the midst of observing I lost track of my attention to make my night of worth.
This is going to sound odd, but your sentences sound like they were written by someone whose mother tongue is not English. I don't mean to offend... but it appears that you start off a sentence and then it dwindles off at the end, as if you are too eager to get onto the next point. 'make your night of worth'? Is that a particular phrase, because it makes no sense to me.. :*)

It was there in the garden with it's Roman like fountains and lush colorfull landscape that was visible even at night: that I found her sitting all by herself.
There could have been so much imagery here! At the moment it is all very distanced. A lot of this is grammatically incorrect, too.
I'll break it uP:
"It was there in the garden with it's Roman like fountains..."
For starters, there should not be an apostrophe in 'its' in that case, and why do don't you introduce the Roman-like foundations to us, and enlighten us a little, rather than just state it like that?
"...and lush colourfull landscape that was visible even at night..."
Only one 'L' at the end of colourful, and that should be a 'which' not a 'that'.
The last part felt like a run-on.

"Hello", I said "I don't mean to disturb you, I was just taking a walk when I came across you"

Right. This a problem which maintains throughout, so I'll just mention it here.
The punctuation should be inside the speech-marks (so it should be "Hello," not "Hello",) and always, always end with a full-stop/period (...came across you.")

"Do you find that crowd inside as depressing as I do?" she asks.
From hereon you fall into present-tense! Choose a tense and stick to it.

"Your very eager aren't you? She says.

You're

We kiss.

We want a bit of imagery here!

And so,

Well, it was all right, but the grammar/spelling/tense-changing let it down considerably. Most of this was avoidable with the aid of a spell-checker and a good old-fashioned proof-read. Also, the beginning did not make a whole lot of sense.


Lauren 8)




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Points: 890
Reviews: 2

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Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:58 am
minorityatsixteen wrote a review...



hello, if you don't know me then don't bother. and, well, yeah. anyway, i like the "smooth" way you wrote the story. you can feel the intimacy between the two characters, despite the fact that they just met. :D but, a few suggestions:

you don't need to say "said" after every dialogue.

you should stick to one verb tense, past or present.

with that said, i enjoyed your short story.:) have fun writing more.. and..

peace out.;p





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— William James