Hi So, I'm going to nit-pick as I read through, and then give a little summary at the end, okay?
Whoa, super-confusing sentence. I had to read it twice to comprehend.I asume now more then ever I held an opurtunity of chance to give my night something of worth.
I'm at a loss for improvements... could you just try to make it more concise? Break it up a little, perhaps.
Commas make it easier to read. It's just not working at the moment, you know?The music in the room swelled to a fine point finding me standing in the corner alone with a flask in hand.
This is going to sound odd, but your sentences sound like they were written by someone whose mother tongue is not English. I don't mean to offend... but it appears that you start off a sentence and then it dwindles off at the end, as if you are too eager to get onto the next point. 'make your night of worth'? Is that a particular phrase, because it makes no sense to me.. :*)In the midst of observing I lost track of my attention to make my night of worth.
There could have been so much imagery here! At the moment it is all very distanced. A lot of this is grammatically incorrect, too.It was there in the garden with it's Roman like fountains and lush colorfull landscape that was visible even at night: that I found her sitting all by herself.
I'll break it uP:
"It was there in the garden with it's Roman like fountains..."
For starters, there should not be an apostrophe in 'its' in that case, and why do don't you introduce the Roman-like foundations to us, and enlighten us a little, rather than just state it like that?
"...and lush colourfull landscape that was visible even at night..."
Only one 'L' at the end of colourful, and that should be a 'which' not a 'that'.
The last part felt like a run-on.
"Hello", I said "I don't mean to disturb you, I was just taking a walk when I came across you"
Right. This a problem which maintains throughout, so I'll just mention it here.
The punctuation should be inside the speech-marks (so it should be "Hello," not "Hello",) and always, always end with a full-stop/period (...came across you.")
"Do you find that crowd inside as depressing as I do?" she asks.From hereon you fall into present-tense! Choose a tense and stick to it."Your very eager aren't you? She says.
You'reWe kiss.
We want a bit of imagery here!
And so,
Well, it was all right, but the grammar/spelling/tense-changing let it down considerably. Most of this was avoidable with the aid of a spell-checker and a good old-fashioned proof-read. Also, the beginning did not make a whole lot of sense.
Lauren
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