I Think of You
Every night I look at the stars,
and I think of you.
Every night before bed I look at your picture,
and I miss you.
Every night I dream,
and I dream of you.
Every morning I wake up,
and I remember you are gone.
I go though everyday knowing you are no longer with me.
I go though these days remembering how much you loved me.
And then every night I look at the stars,
and I think of you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi. I like the ideas but I think the repitition could have worked more to your advantage with a bit of fine tuning to make it more poignant. It could be very good though.
Okay...
This seems to be the most interesting part of the poem, so you're going to want to use it to your advantage. Take out everything else... that's not important anymore. This person is gone from your life in one way or another, and we have to know how utterly removed from that person you are.
So all you're left is with two lines. What next? You expand those two lines. Why do the stars remind you of this person? Freewrite! Write whatever comes to your head when you think of stars, since that reminds you of the "you" in this poem. Then, after you have a list of things, form it into an image and show us through pretty imagery what exactly you see so that we can see it too.
Hope this helps!
Okay. First, this is a nice start, but as many people have said, not very memorable, and quite elementary.
First, repetition. I am normally a fan of repetittion, but it NEEDS to fulfill a purpose. In this poem, the purpose of using it is blurred, at best. Its like you're TRYING to use it for dramatic effect, but can't really decide WHAT effect you're going for. I would either leave it out, or trim it off to make it more effective in its use.
I do, however, like you're use of melancholy voice, it really speaks to me. You should really learn to harness this.
Now, as for your elementary use of language: One thing you really need to learn as a poet, if nothing else, is this: Language (as in, diction) is the SINGLE most important part. Everything else will come in time. But you really need to work on diction. For instance, instead of saying "I miss you" you might want to say instead "I pine for you" or instead of "I realize you are gone" "I mourn the loss of your presence" or something.
Also, as said before, your rhythm is a little off, but like I said, that comes in time and/or with a little tweaking.
Good job, though for a beginning writer/poet. Keep it up, and eventually you'll be really good.
jlu_262,
This is a list of vignettes, none of them particularly striking, and it's diminished by gimmicks like strings of rapid-syllable words.
You could have stopped this at "and I think of you" with the same overall effect of following it to the end.
What are you trying to do with this? Certainly your objective went beyond mere recognition.
As it is, this is almost instantly forgettable.
Best of luck,
Brad
I like the voice of melancholy. Same as ANI the 9th and 10th lines are a bit too long, but flow together real well. Also, I enjoyed one syllable words at the end of lines. Good job.
-London
Good idea - but as mentioned above, rather distant and uninvolving...
Nice start, though.
The poem was indeed sweet but it didn't have a definite plot.
It lacks a bit of rythm,and the 9th and the 10th line is a bit too long breaking it would have helped.
I didn't find something special in it.
Keep writing.
What is wrong with peoples' vocabulary words? Go to dictionary.com or something, jeez *sighs*
It's basically a compliment of Yoha and Pandora... only you need to make it waaay better than their expectations
Nice try.
I don't really like this. The words are all very small and very elementary.
It has emotion, which many poems don't have, which is a plus, but it lacks diction.
Pandora
Touching and sweet but not of the highest quality. If it serves your purposes though, run with it.
Keep on writing!
~Yoha