January 5th
I looked into the mirror one last time before hearing my mom call “Hadley!”. I ran my fingers through my blonde hair and running downstairs. My mom had Starbucks waiting for me on the counter. I grabbed it, twisted my Michael Kors watch around my wrist one last time and headed out the door. I got into my brand new Audi A5, a christmas present from my mom. I don’t tell you all these details to brag. It’s the opposite, actually. I tell you these things because you would think that with all of these things I would be happy, right? If you only knew. It’s not that something is horribly wrong, I’m not abused, neglected, or any of your typical poor rich kid cliches. I have a great and loving family, my parents are together, life is great. So why do I feel like someone just killed my puppy?
It’s a thought that has been on my mind a lot recently. I’m surrounded by friends, family, and luxurious items. How am I not happy? On the short drive to school I tried to tune these thoughts out by turning the radio up, however they just would not go away. As in entered the parking lot I started to worry. Are my friends here yet? Did they stop and get breakfast? Should I wait in the parking lot? My breathing quickened. Breathe, Hadley, it’s okay. I told myself. Everyday my friends and I meet in room 4205, however everyday I panic for some reason. I pull myself together as I pull into my parking spot. Walking into the school is another struggle. It’s not that I’m insecure, atleast I don’t think that I am, but every time I hear the laughs of my peers I can’t help but think what flaw they’ve found on me. Something stuck to my shoe? Do I have a hole in my leggings? Am I wearing two different earrings? Breathe, Hadley, I remind myself. Finally I get to the the 4200’s hallway. My heart quickens as I approach the door. What if my friends aren’t in there? Where will I go? I open the door and to my relief spot my friends, Micah and Blaire. Micah, Blaire, and I have been friends since 7th grade. I still don’t think they really like me as much as they like each other. Blaire and Micah have known each other since 1st grade, and I’m basically the 3rd wheel. My (prescribed!) adderall begins to kick in, making the self questioning and sadness feel deeper than ever.
“Hey Hadley,” Micah greeted me.
We sat and discussed the holidays, how our Christmas was, etc. I prayed the bell would hurry up.Finally it rang and Blaire and I walked to our first period which were by each other.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay..this was quite an intriguing piece here, its not something of a type I've seen too much of before, this one certainly left me with a lot of questions to try to answer and well, it seems like a pretty solid start to a story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well....that was an interesting introduction there...you manage to make all the very specific sounding description make a lot of sense there in that context so that's a nice touch. Its not too often that something like that fits the flow and actually adds to the conflict. And well, this is certainly getting my attention here, with the tone of this start here. This person is just narrating how everything about their life is good but they feel terrible...and that definitely creates a very mysterious question that you really want to figure which makes for a wonderful start here.
Well, that's not too great....it doesn't really seem to be talking too much about what could be causing all this sadness or sense of insecurity in particular but it does appear that this person here is pretty anxious about a lot of thing and is just generally getting a lot of things around them to pile up and affect them in ways that it shouldn't be affecting them there.
I do love the way that you manage to play quite heavily by the thoughts and emotions of this person here. It really gives a good look into what they're thinking and the way that their feelings come about so that we as reader's can really try and understand what's going on here. And well, the introduction to all those friends is a touch too long there to tag along at the end though...you might want to split that part up into a separate post there.
Well that doesn't seem to be the most friendly of conversations there...you don't usually find that you are waiting for the bell to break up a conversation with someone who's meant to be a good friend..well..this is certainly off to quite a start here, you can tell there's something that is seriously bothering this person which certainly gets your attention and makes you want to find out more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, it had a couple of places where I feel like a bit of change could be useful, but otherwise, for the most part this is a pretty solid way to start off a story here. It also does seem like the type of story that I would be reading.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, this is my review!
It's interesting the way you've written this, as if she is talking to the reader. It's an unusual way to do things, but if it works for you, keep going- just make sure you commit and don't switch to something else. I'll be interested to see how it develops. . .
Let's talk about paragraphs. I feel as if you could have split up these long chunks of text a little. For example in the second paragraph, I personally, would take a new paragraph every time she says, 'breathe Hadley'
Should I wait in the parking lot? My breathing quickened.
Breathe, Hadley, it’s okay.
I told myself.Everyday my friends and I meet in room 4205, however everyday I panic for some reason.I would also remove the 'I told myself' because if it's separate (and in italics as another reviewer suggested) then it is no longer necessary because it already looks like a thought. Removing unnecessary phrases can tighten up your writing
You've done a fantastic job of conveying the feelings and thoughts of your character. Already the reader can tell that there's something going on- depression or anxiety. Her worries are all incredibly plausible and realistic, and the guilt she feels at the way she is feeling is something I relate to immensely.
I shall definitely be continuing to read this story
Starry xx
Hi there!
You said "feel free to destroy this" and I might just take you up on that :3
First off, this is just one big paragraph full of telling. You're familiar with the whole 'show don't tell' debate, yes? Psh, what am I saying? Everyone who wants to be a writer has had that drilled into their head since the moment they started. Well, here you have a lot of telling and not enough showing. Let us smell the Starbucks as Hadley reaches the last few stairs. Let the sun reflect off of Hadley's watch and nearly binds him (her? I'm not sure). It's great to let us know all of the stuff she's telling us because it's an important part of her life, but there's a way that it could be more effective.
You do the similar sort of thing near the end of this chapter. Sorry to jump from beginning to end like that, but this line really relates to what I've been saying:
This could've been a great place for you to do some character development! What kind of Christmas did Hadley really have? Do his (I'm just going to assume he's a boy. I'm probably wrong though xD) friends live such an elegant lifestyle like he does? Are they as miserable in their lives as he is? This is the first chapter of your novel. That's always a great place to start introducing characters and really get the ball rolling for the entire story. You have everything here to make the story great, but you're not expanding on things. Really get into the details so we can get a better idea of who these characters are and what kind of lives they lead.
Your paragraphs lengths are pretty consistent. However, the second paragraph just seems way too long. There are at least three different places that you could start a new paragraph in that single paragraph. So I'm going to pull it out for you to explain where I think it could be split. I'll put it in a spoiler so it doesn't take up a lot of room. My comments will be in purple:
Spoiler
Overall, this is a good start. You've got the basic skeleton for your story here. You have a solid narrator (Hadley) and a strong voice he uses to tell the story. There might have been some typos in here (I know you can find them when you read back over it), but overall your writing stays consistent and strong. I can see the way that you want to write this story and it stays that way from beginning to end. That's definitely a strong point of yours I think. Knowing your writing style is always an important thing seeing as readers will pick up quickly on any changes in tone and all that fun stuff in the blink of an eye. I think you've got something good here
The only thing I wish you would've done better is give us more details. Also, this chapter seems to end a bit abruptly. What exactly happened in this chapter? Not much to be honest. Hadley wakes up, gets in his car, meets his friends, and then the bell rings. Give us some more details! It's the first chapter. Pull us in. Give us a story that interests us. Give us a character we can cling to. Hadley is almost that character. He's the narrator so we're automatically going to gravitate towards him. And his panic attacks and worries make us feel sorry for him. I'm sure in the next couple of chapters he'll be that one character that we can relate to and really look forward to seeing. And since this is written in first person, we'll definitely see a lot of him xD
Let me know when the next chapter is up! I'd definitely like to read more
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey there!
So, I'm the Rache Drache and I'll be reviewing here today. A fore-note that I don't do line-by-line critiques because I abhor them. I'm going to ramble at you instead. I'm super old and stuff, so I like to think I know what I'm talking about and such.
Anyway, I like this overall. Hadley seems to have herself a good case of depression and anxiety. As someone with both of those things, I relate. You captured the feelings well, as well as the thoughts. The paranoia and stress and guilt because it's really not all that bad, but life is a sad little merry-go-round of blah.
I usually don't like to interfere with someone's story in itself, so please feel free to ignore me. But, I think the wealth you have her in at the beginning is overkill. It makes her less relatable, and a little less believable. I guess that's because I'd think someone with all that stuff would be a bit more of a spoiled brat. If you tone it down, though, it would be a lot more relatable and reach more people. Her new car can be a Mustang or a Z, or heck even something normal like a Camry or something--and that's still cushy and really nice and normal. And a lot more believable.
The other thing that stood out at me was that you break what's known as the 4th Wall. In other words, Hadley speaks directly to the reader, and is really self-aware and conscious of her thoughts. You also have it dated at the top... All of that brings up the question of, who is Hadley writing to? Is she journaling, and thus talking to the journal? Is she really talking to us personally? Someone in the story? The Universe?
First person POVs are always tricky this way. The key, whatever way you choose, is to commit to it through and through. I would advise (according to my personal preferences) that you go with something with more ambiguity and less 4th-wall-breaking clarity. Where she's just narrating unaware that there's a living audience. So that we the readers get to experience all her Feels and Thinks in the most pure form.
I have a feeling that doesn't make any sense. If it doesn't, please let me know and I'll try to find another way to explain!
But those are my thoughts.
Wait, I lied. One more:
I think this is a very important story to tell. Mental illness doesn't get discussed as often as it should be, especially depression in groups just like these. The people who feel they don't have anything to be depressed about--and that others often don't think they have anything to be depressed about--because there's this misconception that there's some reason or cause. And there is--it's brain chemicals gone wonky, though, not anything that we did or didn't do.
See, told you I'd ramble.
Rache
Heya, jjiillll! Wise here to review!
So, in this sentence, "running" isn't the correct form of the word. I suggest you use "ran".
"I ran my fingers through my blonde hair and running downstairs."
So, here, Christmas isn't capitalized. Fix that, please.
" I got into my brand new Audi A5, a christmas present from my mom."
In this section, you need to write out the number. Books always have to do that. And, with the "1st grade" thing following this sentence, fix it there too. And at the "3rd wheel" part.
"Micah, Blaire, and I have been friends since 7th grade."
At the second to last sentence, the period should have a space after it...which it does not have. Overall, this piece (Part? Chapter? I don't know what to call it) was good with the plot and all, just I feel like everything is going by so quickly. I can't get enough details, and I feel this could be elaborated into a stronger, better, longer work. But great job, and keep writing!
-wisegirl22
Feel free to destroy this. All critiques welcome.