Preface: Shujaa and Chrys are super-powered enforcers for the Cascade Family, a powerful crime organization in Bai Jian City. Chrys has electric powers and Shujaa has a wide range of powers. At the start of this scene, Shujaa has just been released from prison after a two-year sentence. He and Chrys meet up on a roof to reconnect. Chrys and Shujaa have been an item since they were young. While not "dating" they are very close.
Shujaa took a step out on to the rooftop, feeling the morning breeze rush across his face. His orange jumpsuit did little to stay the wind and goosebumps ran up his arms. He rubbed his skin, trying to gain what little warmth he could. He continued out the door and ran into some clothes that had been laid out on the gravel.
“Thought you might need those,” a voice said. Shujaa turned to find Chrys sitting off the edge, head resting against a large grey power converter.
Shujaa picked the clothes up off the ground and dusted them off. “Think you could keep them off the ground next time?” he jested.
Chrys gave him a small grin. “Maybe next time I’ll bring a dress, smartass,” she said, shaking her head and looking to the heavens. Shujaa quickly disrobed and threw on the clothes, thankful to wear something that gave him more of a reprieve from the elements. He walked over to where she was sitting and stood next to her, looking out across the ledge. The spot was ideal for watching the sunrise, high enough to look over most of the other buildings in the area yet positioned so they had an unobstructed view of the water. As soon as Shujaa stood next to her, Chrys grabbed his T-shirt and pulled till he was sitting beside her.
“Ya picked a good spot, Reds,” Shujaa said. Chrys shoved him gently.
“I know I did, idiot. Now, for God’s sake, shut up and watch this sunrise with me,” she said gently. Shujaa smiled and obliged, sitting up straight to take in the view. As he did, Chrys scooted closer to him till their hips touched. She tenderly laid her head on his shoulder. Shujaa glanced at her as she did and made no move to stop her.
“It’s good to be back,” Shujaa mused. He rested his head on hers as they continued to stare at the bright oranges and reds that lit up the clouds in the distance.
“It’s good to have you back,” Chrys whispered. Shujaa smiled again and wrapped one arm around her. Chrys snuggled closer to him as he did. “And don’t be doing anything stupid like that ever again, got it?”
“I won’t, I promise. Can’t just leave you here by yourself, now can I?” Shujaa whispered in return. Suddenly Chrys pulled back from him and sat up straight. While continuing to look out in the distance, she pulled a pack of cigarettes from the inside of her bomber jacket and pulled one out. “Chrys, what’s wrong?” Shujaa inquired.
Chrys gave him a gesture to hold on for a minute. She snapped her fingers in front of the cig. Sparks flew from her fingertips, lighting the cigarette. She took a deep pull and let out a rush of smoke. “It’s been hell, Shujaa. The last two years, I mean.”
Shujaa’s brows furrowed at the news. “Why?” he asked intently. Chrys took another pull and shrugged.
“Mood changes got way worse. Powers too. Nia confined me to the tower. Wouldn’t let me leave, go out to try to enjoy myself. Tried to enjoy my time at the tower too but Nia always got mad when she felt I was even a little out of control. Ended up confining me to my room during the nights,” Chrys sighed.
Shujaa looked in disbelief as she talked, a look which soon became anger once she finished. “That’s… horrible. Well, that’s going to end. You have my word.”
Chrys shook her head. “It was for my own good. She knows as well as you do that I’m dangerous.”
Anger still dominated Shujaa’s visage. “You are no such thing.”
Chrys continued to take large drags from her cigarette. “You don’t need to lie, Shujaa. Anyway, right after you were arrested, I… I started using again,” Chrys said, the last part no louder than a mumble. Shujaa clenched his teeth and he turned his head to glare at her. Chrys’ head was hung in shame. “I know what you are going to say, and I’m sorry. I didn’t think, I just wanted to feel good again. But I quit. I’m not going to put you through that again. Never,” she said, raising her head to meet his gaze.
Shujaa stared deep into her eyes for a few moments, seeing the sincerity in her eyes. Anger vanished from his eyes and his face softened. “Ah, I know. Just had me worried there,” Shujaa sighed.
Chrys chuckled softly. “Pfft. You? Worried? You’re never worried about anything,” she teased.
Shujaa rolled his eyes. He reached up to the back of her neck and rubbed it gently. “Cept you, Reds.”
Chrys smiled and reached up to place a finger to his lips. “Shush. You’re going to make a girl blush.”
“Would that be such a bad thing?” Shujaa managed to say out of the side of his mouth with Chrys’ finger on his mouth.
Chrys retracted her finger slowly. “No. No it would not,” she beamed. Chrys took a final pull on her cigarette and tossed the butt on the gravel beside her. “So, what you gonna do now that you are back?”
“Got no idea,” Shujaa shrugged. “But I’m sure Nia will keep me busy. How are things going, business-wise, I mean?”
Chrys returned the shrug. “Got no idea. From what I gathered though, Nia is having trouble with the Russians and Cartels and a few small-time outfits trying to muscle in on her turf,” she said.
“Great. Looks like I got my work cut out for me,” Shujaa grumbled, rubbing his brow. “The competitors and Cartels shouldn’t be too hard. Russians will not be remarkably fun. Specially if Viktoriya is involved.”
Chrys clenched her teeth. “Shujaa, I really don’t want to think about that woman right now. Let’s just enjoy the rest of this moment, ok?
“Sounds good to me, Reds,” Shujaa said. Chrys pulled out another cigarette.
“Want one?” Chrys asked.
“Hell, why not?” Shujaa replied. Chrys pulled another cigarette from the box and handed it to him. She lit the cigarette and began taking a few pulls. Shujaa looked at her for a second in amusement. “Hey, Ms. Electric lady. Can I get a light?”
Chrys eyes lit up and she gave him a crafty smile. With the cigarette still in her mouth, she leaned over and grabbed him by the collar and gently pulled him in. She grabbed the cigarette from his hand and stuck it in his mouth. She touched his chin with the underside of her finger and as soon she did Shujaa felt his whole body electrify, nerve endings tingling. Chrys slowly made her way up his chin to his bottom lip which only served to intensify the feeling. His moment of euphoria was cut short when Chrys moved her finger from his skin and up the cigarette till she was at the end. Touching her finger to the end there was a small spark and the tip turned a bright orange.
“There ya go,” Chrys giggled.
“You’re evil, you know that?” Shujaa laughed.
“Oh, I know,” Chrys said, face still beaming. “Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.”
Shujaa smiled. “Don’t be. Kinda forgot you could do that.”
“Now, enough talk. Sunrise is ending,” Chrys said, pointing to the horizon. Shujaa nodded and draped his hand over her shoulder. Chrys shifted closer to him and once again rested her head on his, nuzzling up and close as she could. They sat there, looking at the sky until the colors had dissipated and only the blue sky remained.
Authors Note: I am really bad at romantic scenes, mostly due to being an emotional vacuum. I think this one is at least decent but any help in that regard would be greatly appreciated. Also, my characters dialogue is intentionally incorrect grammatically, mostly cause I don't talk proper either.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This was very convincing, and I don't think you're bad at these kinds of scenes at all!
You make the Chrys and Shujaa likeable and real, and the readers cannot help but be invested in their relationship. The dialogue is very natural and real and nothing is corny, which tends to happen with love scenes. You also make them and their relationship imperfect - while they work well together, they also have a bumpy history, especially with Chrys' history with drugs.
I think you set the scene pretty well, but it was kind of hard to imagine what the characters looked like. More description of their physical characterstics would make the characters more colorful and real.
Thanks for sharing - I look forward to reading more!
Hi, I’m Thundahguy. I haven’t been able to find a proper first part of this chapter, so I’ll have to rely on the preface you included. Anyways, let’s get into this, shall we?
There’s a bit of a formatting issue with the first two paragraphs, at least with how the entire paragraph aligns with the indent. I’m also not completely sure why you chose to indent the paragraphs by a wide margin. It breaks up the paragraphs a little too much, making it harder to read.
Your characters seem fine. Chrys and Shujaa are very similar, but they’re distinct enough to stand out between the two. Not enough that I could differentiate based off of dialogue, but at least their wording makes sense.
The romance scene in this was quite good. You excellently put out the romantic attraction between the two and controlled it so that it felt realistic.
The main issue I’d have to put out is how Chrys switches from romantic mode to exposition mode almost immediately. It sounds like she’s been triggered or something, but the text has nothing of note to trigger her. The following also seems somewhat unnatural, especially with the lack of the informal dialogue the two had before.
Overall, it’s a pretty solid start. Working on how to deliver exposition would be the main thing to focus on first. Your romance and characterization was quite good, and I can’t really comment on anything about the plot.
If you have any questions or concerns about this, please let me know. I’ll be happy to expand or fix whatever is pointed out.