Hey! This is a poem on the Pain of Loving Someone...Please Review! It desperately needs it!
I’m not sure what to think…
Confusing
I wish I knew what this meant
Bemusing
You said you loved me, a lot
Twitter-pation
And I believed you, my heart beating
Syncopation
How is this true, how can it be?
Uncertainty
I thought I meant more to you than this…
Insecurity
But through all of this, underneath the surface
Rain
Flooding from my eyes, it’s just
Pain
-Jilly-
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay, I'll have to agree with the other reviewers about how the first stanza sounds awkward. I think that have something to do with the tense mix up happening. See:
The ones in purple is in present tense whilst the blue one is in past tense. It does get a bit confusing and breaks the flow completely.
I'd suggest you match the tense up. That way it's make more sense and flow better
Also, are you trying to rhyme? Because rhyming isn't just about matching the suffixes up. There's a very nice tutorial on how to rhyme here. I'd strongly suggest you check that out.
Lastly, I feel as though your title is a bit flat. It's a bit overused and well... flat. There's no energy or life in it. I think you can think of something better. You can even make it 'Pain of Loving Someone' as you've mention in your note. It'll make it more interesting. Create more of an image, you know.
So, I think this poem needs a bit of work done on it. But what you've got so far is not bad. You also ended on a powerful note (meaning I liked the last stanza
Ok, I won't be harsh on you, here's what I think - it does have a lot of potential, and you don't necessarily need to lenghten the short lines. They make the poem sound nice and unique, though I do agree that it needs to be confused instead of confusing if you want the line to be one word, and it does need some work.
I saw that you tried to make it rhyme and it wound up too caked up, like bad foundation. You should go with whatever comes up in your head, it will make much more natural and seemingly effortless, (like good foundation)
The last vers was very good though:
But through all of this, underneath the surface
Rain
Flooding from my eyes, it’s just
Pain
I liked that. Nice job - keep writting!
Hi Jill! I have to begin by saying I didn't like this at all. It didn't flow and some of the rhymes used were cringy - sorry for the harsh critique! And plus the title is soooo overused and cliched. Nitpick
This poem needs alot of work. However, it does have potential. Keep writing and PM me if have any questions. Once again, sorry for being so harsh!
~ Amelia
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