Published May 2, 2011
We both said we always wanted to be friends
But I knew, deep down,
I could never see you as anything
But a traitor
You said you loved me
As I gently broke your heart
But the next day, I had been replaced
Your a traitor
I told you why I had to do it
You nodded, and said you understood
It wasn't your fault, and it was alright
Then you turned your back on me
Still- a traitor
Now, when I've moved on
When I can hold my head high
Now you want me back
And try to catch me in your trap
But, you're still
Just a Traitor
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hello there.
Heres' the review.
The first line confuses the reader about the thing happening between the boy and the girl. It can be thought of in both pre-relationship and post-relationship stage. So you could refine it a bit to make things clear and get into the readers mind right away at the start. But the last line felt a bit out of track. I know it’s the theme of the whole poem but how can you call a person traitor for just being friends. You both had agreed on the fact, not just him.
The second line is totally not related. In this line it tells the reader that you are more of the traitor rather than the person you are talking about over here. I think that you mistyped things over here. Be sure to edit it. It can be written as “As you gently broke my heart”. And in the last line it will be, “You’re a traitor.”
You express mixed emotion throughout the poem. In the third line you kind of still have a soft spot for the person but you are also mad and you still think of him as a traitor. In the last line, remove the dash and replace it by a comma. It sounds better with a comma. The last line is strong.
Everything else was pretty much alright. The poem was good. You made the reader feel the things felt by the narrator.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
hi! Welcome to the site by the way.
This is a really good poem for a newbie. I am VERY impressed. But here is my problem: you have no grammar at all. Its just a block of text right now. commas are your friend. periods are your best friend.
Seeing as how your new I am going to
totally tear this poem apartsing praises of this poemNitpicks
Spoiler
Notes:
Spoiler
If you need any help, just ask. Us oldies are here to help.
Love,
Pointe
Hi.. Welcome to YWS!! Hope you'll love it!! alright.. I'll begin by saying that I liked your poem very much.. Except for a n error or two it was very well.. the flow was smooth, But that 5 line stanza spoilt the whole thing.. Like the 3rd reviewer has suggested you should brake it so it goes with the rest of the poem, and using their technique would be good too.. otherwise it was very good poem and i really liked it.. In case you need any kind of help with anything at all, feel free to PM me anytime.. i will be happy to help you..
Harshita:)
Hello.
I hope you enjoy it here. I shall try to review your poem, I apologize if I sound harsh at some points but we're all trying to help each other here anyway. Anyway, let's get on to the review.
Welcome to the site.
This poem was a little confusing. I think MiRaCLes pointed out the reasons why in her review.
The persona is doing the heartbreaking? Wouldn't that be quite a good reason for someone to turn their back on the speaker? I'd totally walk away from someone who broke my heart even though they did it 'gently'. That word choice seems a little odd as well, whether it be the persona or the traitor doing the heart breaking. Gentle is no adjective for heartbreak. That part really confused me, since in the following stanzas it's the persona who seems to be heartbroken.
That aside, I think this poem still needs a lot of work. I found this rather boring. It was just too one dimensional. There were no metaphors, no imagery to make this concrete. There was nothing left for the reader to interpret. Worse even, there was nothing to interpret and the story within this poem was confusing and bland.
I think one thing you can do to expand this poem is show why the character is a traitor. It's something you didn't really show in this poem. You keep telling us about this traitor but we're left not really knowing what he/she did to deserve the term. In this case this poem lacks depth for us readers who don't know the entire story. I don't think you have to tell us the whole story. There's a beauty in ambiguity. But there's just nothing to bank on in this poem. There's nothing to read into.
In your next attempts, I think you should really explore using more imagery in your poem. I think reading more poetry really helps writers make their own original metaphors. Imagery makes a poem three-dimensional. You're tackling a good concept here but it can be executed better.
I hope this helps, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask me.
--Nixie
Okay, this poem have a very gentle flow to it. Although third stanza seems a bit strange, since the five lines just popped out of nowhere. So, here's my suggestion:
I think that the 'Still- a traitor bit' would stand more powerful on it's own.
Moving on, to be honest, I didn't completely get the story here. I got confused between who was betraying who. Here you have:
I got the impression that you are breaking his heart. But here:
You told me the exact opposite. Which is a bit confusing. So who's breaking who's heart? and who's betraying who? I think that you might need to reconsider your second and third stanza. It's sending me two different messages and it's confusing me, since they contradict each other.
That said, the rest of the poem was beautiful, if flows gently, as said before, and it's short and sweet. Just need to fix up the second and third stanza a bit. Keep it up!
I strongly agree with the 1st comment above me.. you did excellent putting all your emotion and feelings as you were writing it. I must say you should definitely keep writing. Im not really much of a writer but Im going to be one someday. its a good habit and it improves my english a lot better.
Beautiful poem. I could really feel some of your emotions into this, as if it had actually happened to you personally.
I only caught one mistake:
This should be you're:)
The only comment I would have with this poem is that I don't like the last two stanzas. All your other stanzas are four lines each, while the last one is only two. For the person of the style I think you should either add two more lines or take out two.
Oh I just noticed you have another stanza that is five lines. I think that would be best changed too.
I thought it was awesome how your poem didn't rhyme yet you still managed to make it sound great and poem-like. I think it flows very well and it's the perfect example of a beautiful poem that doesn't rhyme. You don't see very many of those around anymore.
Good work and keep writing!