Hello there! Welcome to the site ^^ I hope you enjoy yourself here ~
So, let's jump right into the review!
The first thing that I notice, without even having to read this, is that there are enormous paragraphs. It helps the flow to break up huge paragraphs into smaller chunks based on the focus of the paragraph. That way the reader doesn't get lost trying to make it through a block of text. (Also, as a rule of thumb, every time a new character begins speaking, a new paragraph should be made for the dialogue. An example is below.)
Another thing that I noticed very early on is that there are quite a few run-on sentences. Or at least early on their are. The very first two sentences are both run-on. I'll pull it out to explain:
I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, the bird, a cute little creature, started to fly away from my metallic glass window.
After "chirping", it would be the end of the sentence since the next part is an entirely different sentence and focus. It would end in a period instead of a comma. As well, the two don't connect very well, since it's two rather different images shoved together. The narrator just woke up in the first and then the bird flew away in the second. It gives a more choppy flow with this.
It was time to go to school, just absolutely amazing I thought to my head.
Yet another example of the run-on is here. After "school", it should end. The next part would work a lot better on its own. As well, I recommend you italicize "just absolutely amazing" since it is in the character's head and that will indicate better that it's not just narration. Third and final thing is referring back to the flow. Once again, the image skips from the bird flying away to the narrator going to school. It's jerky and harder to read because it's not a progressive flow. It just throws the reader into one idea after another. Try to smooth those over.
[On the note of run-ons, before I move on, almost every sentence in the first paragraph is one. That is a huge no-no grammatically.]
So, really, I'm confused on what's happening. Everything is suddenly thrown at us at once in the second paragraph and it's really info-dumping. We are told everything we need to know straight up instead of figuring it out through the story. As well, so many new characters are just tossed in and it's impossible to figure out who is who because we don't know any of them. Finally, the dialogue -- which is jumbled all together -- sounds completely the same whoever is saying it. In real life, that wouldn't be the case since everyone has different mannerisms and phrases they say. It sounds robotic and scripted and it's generally confusing.
Honestly, the pacing is too fast. Everything happens all at once and instead of being dramatic, the story ends up being too much in our face. Take some time to go back and expand everything out more. Shows us the class they're in instead of just telling us what happens. Show us the scene of the wind suddenly picking up, and a kid noticing that things aren't right outside. Slow things down a whole bunch as well as try to characterize more.
I'm sorry, but I just couldn't finish reading this. It was too confusing and all over the place for me.
If you have any further questions or would like more assistance, I'd be happy to help! (As well if you need more of an explanation or more examples.)
Happy writing,
~ Wolfe
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