z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Tornado

by jhubbard007, jhubbard007


Jarod Hubbard

LA/ 7.7

Mrs.Fiske

5/27/16

The Tornado

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, the bird, a cute little creature, started to fly away from my metallic glass window. It was time to go to school, just absolutely amazing I thought to my head. The wind was blowing through my window, I shut the window because it was messing up my hair so bad. My little light brown hair, it was sticking so high up it was as tall as the Empire State Building , I picked up my gel it was gooey and white color with a label of long hair style. “Honey it is time to go,” my mom said with enthusiasm. I rushed down the wooden stairs with a brown railing that was very stable.

I arrived at school with my best friends Josh, Connor, Tommy and Eddie. We were in our first hour where you would find a crabby LA teacher named Mrs. Crabs. She was so strict and demanding of us and gave us a 3 page essay an every day homework task. So in LA we had a warm up having to use writing techniques that were brush strokes, not a lot of people liked Mrs.Crabs she was a old and ugly and lazy teacher. “Ok class get your Brush Stroke packet done by tomorrow, and your Hero essay,” said Mrs. Crabs. “What?” Jarod said. “Jarod don’t question this is not the time for any of that jazz. My light blue eyes opened wide in a stare at her. “Jarod I don’t think that was any of the smartest choices you’ve made in your life I mean, questioning a teacher isn’t HCRR,” Josh said. I gave josh a stare, “Ok you know what I’ll admit it I am a person who likes to blurt out stuff that I shouldn't, and I’m sorry Mrs.Crabs. “Oh, since when did you mature,” Mrs. Crabs laid on my head. The class laughed everyone but my friends, I mean they were loyal, always will be and I accept that for who they are.

The wind speed was starting to pick up, no one knew what was going on I mean, the weather guy said it would be a sunny day, but obviously not. Screaming, the class panicked nearly every kid was going to the front window. Kids Screaming, the teacher said silence, the room went quiet, but the tornado didn’t. Yes, that’s right this is a natural disaster occurring here folks. This is where the whole city of Kansas City was scared. The old teacher, annoyed and crazy, decided to try and grab me, but then I ran from her. The plains were gone swept up from the tornado, the farms, the people, the city, everything was to be destroyed by this monster. The tornado swirled, curling, planning to destroy everything. I felt as everything of this city was to be swept and that I would be one of those people. The gray and black tornado was swirling towards us. We were trying to escape the school, it was now half torn apart with debris falling from the tornado. 3 out of the 5 of us was going to die. Tommy was then sucked into the tornado. Connor was running away but then debris fell on him and he got knocked out. Then there was Josh who got taken by Mrs.Crabs and was then hers. Eddie and I however found a way to escape. We took a look out the old and crusty glass front window, there was a black and yellow Lamborghini, we were only 12 and 13, so we didn't know how to drive. But we hopped in the car and out of desperation started the engine, it was a lion, roaring so loud anyone could hear it. I stepped on the gas pedal and the thing was zooming. Every corner was a sharp turn so it was a close ride to death, but we found a way. This Lambo had extra seats so 2 extra in the back and 2 behind that. I drove towards my mom's house so she could live too. We picked up my parents, then went straight to Eddie’s. Skiiiiiiiiirrrrrt! The Lambo drifted into Eddie’s driveway, Eddie’s parents was astounded to see him find them here. “How did this guy learn to drive,” Eddie’s dad said. “ Don’t know, but we need to escape now before it reaches us,” Eddie replied. I stepped on the pedal and we were heading towards Michigan. I mean Michigan is great they won't have this, their biggest worry is a flood, nothing compared to this.

I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping, but in Michigan. Mattawan,MI to be specific. This day was the first day of school and our LA teacher Mrs.Fiske was really nice and generous. She gave us homework but people thought it was too much, I didn’t, all that happened was kids were procrastinating. “Ok class today we will be doing a worksheet and playing mum ball. I was so happy, but it was at this moment the wind speeds started to pick up. Oh god please not now.


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Fri May 27, 2016 3:46 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello there! Welcome to the site ^^ I hope you enjoy yourself here ~

So, let's jump right into the review!

The first thing that I notice, without even having to read this, is that there are enormous paragraphs. It helps the flow to break up huge paragraphs into smaller chunks based on the focus of the paragraph. That way the reader doesn't get lost trying to make it through a block of text. (Also, as a rule of thumb, every time a new character begins speaking, a new paragraph should be made for the dialogue. An example is below.)

Spoiler! :
"How are you?" Bob asked.

"Just fine," Edward replied.

"That's great!" Bob said. "I think today is a great day."


Another thing that I noticed very early on is that there are quite a few run-on sentences. Or at least early on their are. The very first two sentences are both run-on. I'll pull it out to explain:

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, the bird, a cute little creature, started to fly away from my metallic glass window.


After "chirping", it would be the end of the sentence since the next part is an entirely different sentence and focus. It would end in a period instead of a comma. As well, the two don't connect very well, since it's two rather different images shoved together. The narrator just woke up in the first and then the bird flew away in the second. It gives a more choppy flow with this.

It was time to go to school, just absolutely amazing I thought to my head.


Yet another example of the run-on is here. After "school", it should end. The next part would work a lot better on its own. As well, I recommend you italicize "just absolutely amazing" since it is in the character's head and that will indicate better that it's not just narration. Third and final thing is referring back to the flow. Once again, the image skips from the bird flying away to the narrator going to school. It's jerky and harder to read because it's not a progressive flow. It just throws the reader into one idea after another. Try to smooth those over.

[On the note of run-ons, before I move on, almost every sentence in the first paragraph is one. That is a huge no-no grammatically.]

So, really, I'm confused on what's happening. Everything is suddenly thrown at us at once in the second paragraph and it's really info-dumping. We are told everything we need to know straight up instead of figuring it out through the story. As well, so many new characters are just tossed in and it's impossible to figure out who is who because we don't know any of them. Finally, the dialogue -- which is jumbled all together -- sounds completely the same whoever is saying it. In real life, that wouldn't be the case since everyone has different mannerisms and phrases they say. It sounds robotic and scripted and it's generally confusing.

Honestly, the pacing is too fast. Everything happens all at once and instead of being dramatic, the story ends up being too much in our face. Take some time to go back and expand everything out more. Shows us the class they're in instead of just telling us what happens. Show us the scene of the wind suddenly picking up, and a kid noticing that things aren't right outside. Slow things down a whole bunch as well as try to characterize more.

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't finish reading this. It was too confusing and all over the place for me.

If you have any further questions or would like more assistance, I'd be happy to help! (As well if you need more of an explanation or more examples.)

Happy writing,
~ Wolfe




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Thu May 26, 2016 7:08 pm
BasicWaffle wrote a review...



Hey, BasicWaffle here

First things first I love the way you wrote this I don't see any punctuation mistakes or any capitalization mistakes. This story was very interesting I enjoyed it very much. The story had an interesting plot. Your beginning sentence really made me want to continue reading.

In the first sentence when you say "woke up to the sound of birds chirping, the bird," I think instead you should say " Woke up to the sounds of birds chirping, one of the birds. I changed it because you go from plural to singular. Also you need to indent your paragraphs. Another ting I saw was when you said 'I thought to my head". I suggest changing it to I thought to myself or just I thought.

Overall, I though that this was a really good piece of literature and I can't wait to read more of the stuff you write.

Bye!

-BasicWaffle





"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind