Published June 6, 2009
Extremely edited so I hope this is better =) I’ve got to thank SimplyPersnikety for giving me a lot of help. Well I was thinking of using this later on in my story.What mean is show a bit more of Holly's life. What do you lot think?
Chapter 1.
As I started my ten minute journey to school the bright morning’s sun rays shone at me making me squint. I felt the sun’s heat burn through the back of my black vest top making it uncomfortable. Soon enough I was no longer alone as Grace and Hannah walked by my side.
The school yard was filled with chatter as a dozen or more Year Eleven students waited patiently to sit their GCSE examinations. I scanned around the yard, my eyes settling on one certain student. Aaron Hughes. He sat with his back against the picnic table as he talked to my cousin Calvin. Aaron’s hair was pitch black and every strand was spiked up perfectly that he ran his hand through coolly. Every time I saw him I fell in love with his brilliant green eyes that reminded me of a liquid peridot that were covered with dark sunglass at this moment. The bright shirt he was wearing on this particular day was a vivid blue that complimented his tanned skin.
“Holly.” My best friend Grace snapped her fingers in front of my eyes, bringing me out of my thoughts instantly.
As I came back into the real world, Grace flung her long red hair over her skinny shoulder and sighed. Grace and I had been best friends for thirteen years, since our first day of kindergarten. I envied Grace sometimes as she was insanely pretty. Her red hair was the perfect match for her snow white skin. If anyone had the same hair and skin colour as Grace her brown eyes would have looked out of place, but Grace pulled it off.
“Sorry, I was miles away.” I smiled at her, trying to casually fan myself down with my English book.
“Yeah, we gathered that much,” Hannah giggled, my other best friend. She’d been added to the terrible twosome five years ago when we started secondary school. I’d sat next to Hannah on our first English lesson together. We had been set a task where we had to write about each other, I soon discovered we had more in common than I’d first thought. She love dogs and horses, same as me. She also enjoyed reading and writing, so did I, those were just a number of interests we shared. Hannah was also incredibly pretty like Grace only completely different. Her skin was very tanned, her mother’s side of the family being Hispanic. Her hair and eyes were exactly the same shade of chocolate brown and she was quite tall for a girl. Her looks were plain but somehow she always looked good.
Sitting with Grace and Hannah I felt like a plain Jane. My shoulder length blonde hair never went the way I wanted it to and my tan looked more yellow than bronze. I didn’t know whether my eyes were blue or green. I longed for gorgeous blue eyes that Calvin had. I was a medium height and I seriously wanted my chest to grow greatly.
“So dilly dreamer, are you coming to the beach with us later?” Grace asked as she applied yet another coat of clear lip gloss to her plump pink lips. They had called me “dilly dreamer” for years now because I was always drifting off into my own little world. They’d done it for so long now that I had given up reprimanding them.
“No, I’ve got to stay in and look after the kids. Matt’s going out, again,” I replied, taking in their disappointed expressions.
“You mean the troops,” Hannah joked. We always called my siblings troops because without me there were another five. Matthew was my older brother and was eighteen. James was ten; Lily six. The twins Alice and Kester were only three. I was sixteen. There was a lot of us in one house but I loved the busy family atmosphere that was almost constantly present in our home.
“Oi, Holly!” Calvin called from his spot, I swivelled around to look at him. I titled my head in confusion as he motioned me over toward him and Aaron. What did he want?
“Umm I’ll be right back.” I looked in the girls’ direction before I walked swiftly over to where the boys sat.
“Good luck in your exam, kiddo.” Calvin ruffled my hair and I slapped his hand away, glaring at him when both boys started to chuckle. Calvin’s hair was a light blonde that always fell into his sea blue eyes. His tall, muscular build had a lot of boys backing down in fights. Calvin and I had always been close, even after we’d grown up. When most kids tend to break apart, Calvin and I got closer.
“So you called me over here just to ruffle my hair?” I frowned at him as I joined him on the wooden table.
“No, I wanted to introduce you to someone. This is Aaron.” He turned his eyes to Aaron.
“Hey Holly, how are ya?” he asked as he turned to look at me. It was as if his eyes had me hypnotised as I fiddled with the necklace that hung loosely around my neck. We weren’t even half way into the conversation when the teacher called us in.
I weaved my way around the single desks until I got to the one with my name plate on it. I found that Aaron was seated next to me. He winked as my eyes found him.
“Hey Holly, good luck in your exam. How about me and Calvin walk you home later?” He asked and I couldn’t help but smile widely.
“Good luck to you too. And I could use some company walking home, thanks.” I felt myself blush a little and turned back around to face the board in the front of the room so he couldn’t see.
All through out the entire two hour exam I kept getting distracted by Aaron’s bright t-shirt and more than once, Aaron himself that I continuously saw out of the corner of my eye. If I was going to reach my dream of becoming a English teacher I had to do well and concentrate on this exam. Placing me next to Aaron seemed like a test all on it’s own to see if I had enough determination to concentrate on my exam and not his gorgeous face. I tapped my pen against my book as I tried to think about my answer. Once again my eyes came into contact with Aaron’s he winked just like the last time. I smiled and turned away before he could see the blush on my cheeks. I heard him try to hide another chuckle. Oh, if only this exam would end! I just wanted to get out of this classroom and walk home with Aaron by my side.
Finally Mr. Jackson let us out after he collected our exams and I met Aaron and Calvin outside. As we walked I was just about to take a sip of water when Aaron pushed the bottle, tipping the water down me. Aaron held his hand over his mouth as Calvin exploded into laughter.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to tip over you.” Aaron apologized as he tried to wipe the water away from my chin. Aaron took Calvin’s hat and ran up the street with it, laughing. I shook my head in disbelief as I chuckled to myself.
“See you later Holly.” Calvin waved when we reached the front steps of my house.
“I’ll just leave you to talk with Aaron.” He grinned mischievously before walking off towards his own house.
“Well, that was strange,” I laughed nervously. Beginning alone with Aaron made me a bag of nerves as I twiddled my thumbs around each other, he chuckled obviously entertained by my shy nature.
“Calvin’s always strange, thought you’d be used to it.” He joined me on the garden wall as I dragged my toes along the pavement.
“True” I replied as we both laughed.
“So Calvin was telling me you’ve got your own army of siblings”, I giggled and nodded.
“Yeah, six of us altogether”
“I’d love that” he smiled slightly, as if it was only meant for him. As our conversation travelled from one topic to another the time flew by us unnoticeably. It was as if we’d known each other years as he told me countless jokes.
“I better get going. I’ll see you later!” I smiled at him, slightly be-spelled by his eyes.
“Yeah me too. Bye!” He turned and started walking home, leaving me disappointed that he couldn’t stay. That night while I was looking after my siblings Aaron held every thought in my mind. I just couldn’t think of anything else. It was easy to come up with the reason why. I was hooked.
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You forgot your full stop. (aka period of the sentence). You did that quite a lot during the story. However, I really loved that and you must write more! Good story line, good characters and its cute! I am totally hooked. Please PM me if you decide to write more! x
I'm back!!
Sorry about that...
So, back to the nitpicks...
Comma after again. That link I gave you will help your punctuation with people talking. Please try to fix it as best you can. It's easier to read the story when you do. If you have any questions about it just PM me!
Comma after troops. Remember what I said above.
Should be siblings.
I see where you're going with this but it really seems just repititive... Plus you never mention Holly's age. This would be a good place to mention it... Reword it. Maybe something like this:
"Matthew was my older brother and was 18. James was ten; Lily six. The twins, Alice and Kester, were only three." Or something like thAT.
Comma after Oi!
..Perch doesn't seem to fit. Try a different word.
Period after back, before the quotation mark.
Cross out the were...
It should be:
"Good luck with your exam, kiddo." Calvin...
Period after Aaron.
Change eyesight to eyes.
Period after thanks, before the quotations. This will be the last correction I do of wrong dialogue punctuation. Just remember to read the link.
You don't need this in italics.
Okay! that's all for the nitpicks...
Onto the other stuff...
~Description!
I think you had pretty good description, although this was a short piece. In some places you put too much, like when you talk about Hannah. You put a lot of dialogue tags, which is nice... But! Something I noticed was you did a lot of showing not telling. That's when you just have a whole paragraph of an info dump on how they look. Try to incorporate all the information from the paragraph into the writing, the dialogue, and everything else. For ex: Instead of saying "Her hair was red." you could say, "Her red hair blew wildly around her face and she grumbled as she pushed it away." Try to put all the descriptive words into the story. It helps add more depth to the whole story too! You can look around in the Knowledge Base for more on Showing not Telling. I would like to see this expanded a little... I think you can add more descriptions in some paces. Otherwise, it was okay.
~Overall
It was interesting but a bit cliched... I mean, we've heard it all before. The hot guy goes for the "plain Jane" girl, they fall in love, poof! Just... Make it totally different from anything you've ever read before! It would be much better then. Plus, add more description to expand the story more. And dialogue punctuation!!! Please do that... Other than that, make it capture the readers eye, make them want read on and on!!! Happy writing!
Hope this helps. Sorry if I was harsh. PM me if you have any questions.
~Storm
Hello there
. Okay, the other day I stumbled across your story looking lonely with no reviews, so I copied it into a word document and have just finished the review!! However, I can see that this review is a little late as you've changed the story somewhat. Lol, what terrible timing I have =P.
Anyway, I thought I may as well post the review as it may still help you out somewhat; I really hope it does!! Anyway, if you have any questions or need anything at all, please don't hesitate to PM me as I'm always more than happy to help!! =D
I hope you're having a great day!!
--Lucyy xx
P.S. Take a look at this Knowledge Base Article I mentioned in the document:http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=44898
Hello. I got the PM, so I'll review your story today!
First thing: A little tip, Dialogue Punctuation
It's a common mistake... I'll give you a link that helps explain it. Here! Just fix that up...
~Nitpicks
I'm not sure if you're talking about the sun making it uncomfortable or not... If its the sun then change it to "making it very uncomfortable" if not then its fine.
I would think that it would already be loud, and that people would already be talking so erupting isn't the best word. Try a different word. Or rewording it, like "the school yard was filled with chatter" or something like that...
Should be: Year Eleven students.
Little confused here. First you say she's got her eyes on one guy then you start exploding off about Calvin... Why mention Aaron at all if your not going to talk about him?
Start a new paragraph, it's a nice place to do so.
Instead of a new sentence just use a comma and put it in the same one.
They should be those.
Cross off the "being sat" it sounds very weird. Just put Sitting.
I'll do the rest later. Gotta go.
WARNING! REVIEW DOWN BELOW --------------->
All of the review below is just suggestions. By all means if this review does not help you better your story and make you feel happy about your work burn it immediately and toss the ashes in the nearest volcano.
I like this part.
Specify what kind of yard. For all we know, it could be a prison yard your talking about
"Holly(period)" My best friend Grace snapped her fingers in front of my eyes, bringing me out of my thoughts instantly. Flows better. As I came back into the real world, Grace flung her long red hair over her skinny shoulder and sighed. You describe her as being really pretty down further but bony doesn't fit with that. Grace and I had been best friends for thirteen years(period) Since our first day of nursery school. Is nursery school like kindergarten? I'm not sure how old they would be in nursery school so I'm having trouble adding up how old they are now
"Sorry(comma) I was miles away(period)" I smiled at her, trying to casually fan myself down with my English book. Is it hot outside? Why is she fanning herself?
"Yeah(comma) we gathered that much(period)" Hannah giggled, my other best friend(add Holly's past with her). Hannah was also incredibly pretty like Grace only completely different. Her skin was very tanned, her mother's side of the family being Hispanic. Her hair and eyes were exactly the same shade of chocolate brown and she was quite tall for a girl. Her looks were plain but somehow she always looked good.
"So dilly dreamer(comma) are you coming to the beach with us later?" Grace asked as she applied yet another coat of clear lip gloss to her plump pink lips. They had called me "dilly dreamer" for years now because I was always drifting off into my own world. They'd done it for so long now that I had given up reprimanding them. Nice. I like her friends. You know, if you gave Grace black short hair she would totally be Snow White
"No(comma) I've got to stay and look after the kids(period)" I replied, taking in their disappointed expressions.
"You mean the troops(period)" Hannah joked. We always called my siblings Troops because without me there were five kids. Matthew was eighteen, James was ten, Lily six and the twins Alice and Kester were only three. There was a lot of us on one house but I loved the busy family atmosphere that was almost constantly present in our home. Okay, so if she's looking after "the troops"--awesome idea by the way-- and Matthew is eighteen then she must be pretty old then. Are these college exams then? Remember, always spell out numbers. It's sweet that she likes being apart of a big family. You don't get that a lot now days.
"Oi Holly(exclamation point)" Chrissy called from his perch and I swiveled around to look at him. I titled my head in confusion as he motioned me over toward him and Aaron. What did he want? *Squeals* He said Oi!! That's so awesome! I love saying Oi.
I found that Aaron was seated next to me. He winked as my eyes found his. (A little fresh isn't he
"Hey Holly, Good luck on your exam. How about Chrissy and I walk you home later?" He asked and I couldn't help but smile widely. Sigh, if only I had someone to walk me home....
" Good luck to you too. And I could use some company walking home, thanks." I felt myself blush a little and turned back around to face the board in the front of the room so he couldn't see. Just fixed some wording and flow. Gotta have the flow...
All through out the entire two hour exam I kept getting distracted by Aaron's bright t-shirt--and more than once Aaron himself-- that I continuously saw out of the corner of my eye. if I was going to reach my dream of become an English teacher I had to do well--and concentrate--on this exam. Placing me next to Aaron seemed like a test all in it's own to see if I had enough determination to concentrate on my exam and not his gorgeous face. I tapped my biro against my book and looked around as I tried to think about my answer. Once again my eyes come into contact with Aaron's and he winked just like last time. I smiled at him and turned away before he could see the blush on my cheeks. I heard him try to hold in another chuckle. Oh, if only this exam would end! I just wanted to get out of this classroom and walk home with Aaron at my side. Fixed wording, added words, made some flow, all that jazz. This is a good paragraph. It rocks that Holly wants to be an English Teacher. Go Holly!
Finally Mr(period)Jackson let us out after he collected our exams and I met Aaron and Chrissy outside. We joked about as the boys walked me home. (Add what they did on their way home)
"See you later Holly," Chrissy waved when we reached the front steps of my house "I'll just leave you to talk with Aaron." He grinned mischievously before walking off towards his own house. (Add their conversation) He was amazing to talk to but had me in stitches for most of our conversation. Had her in stitches. I'm not sure I get that. I just knew Chrissy was going to do this! Oh, What is a biro?
"I'd better get going. I'll see you later!" I smiled at him, slightly be-spelled by his eyes.
"Yeah me too. Bye!" He turned and started walking home, leaving me disappointed that he couldn't stay.
That night--while I was looking after my siblings-- Aaron held everything thought in my mind. I couldn't think of anything else. It was easy to come up with the reason why. I was hooked. Nice.
FINAL THOUGHTS
There is a vast improvement from the last story of yours that I reviewed You gave some back story but it could use a little more. All your characters are lovable and are not too Mary Jane like. I really like Chrissy with his matchmaker slyness.
Good job on this. Your improving! Please PM me once you get the second chapter up, I've got to know what happens next!
~Simply