I've edited this a lot now but I'm still not sure. I also need a suggestion for the title. An I know this is short but I'm still finishing it 
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How come the stars never fail to come out? No matter how unbearable life gets thay still come out to brighten up the night's sky. Whatever mistakes you've made they're still there reminding you that no matter what you've done you're life's not over yet, you've still got time to turn it all around. My mistake? It was simply keeping my heart locked away in chains for years, away from the people who never caused me any harm. My little sister Kayla, my adoptive parents Rose & Kevin and Caden.They're all good people I wish I had let them straight into my heart, but as the stars reminded me, I had time, time to turn my life around and I suddenly had the perfect opportunity and I grabbed at it with both hands.
As I lay in the field with the sun blazing onto me and the grass tickling my legs I looked over to the gorgeous boy sitting next to me, Caden, this was our place, we came here all the time. It was here everything became crystal clear to me.
"What are you looking at?" Caden asked without opening his eyes.
"Perfection" I replied, smiling a little pleased that Caden couldn't see my expression.
"You brought a mirror with you?" Caden grinned still not opening his eyes. I punched his arm playfully and he chuckled. Suddenly his strong arms were wrapped around me and he pulled into his chest and I giggled.
"What are you doing?" I asked
"What does it look like?" he asked kissing my forehead.
Gazing at the beautiful summer's sky I smiled. Everything had turned out better than I expected. Actually anything would have been a improvement on what I was expecting for myself.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hi! Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here. Anyhoo, on with my review!
Okay, I always tell everyone who I review this. Your first line is everything! you have to draw the reader in while keeping them in the dark so they'll keep reading. You did good! I like this. I like this a lot. Though I am a sucker for stars
Wow. Um... you broke the Great First Line Spell with this one sentence just by jumping to quickly. You can fix this by making a bigger introduction and leading up to this sentence. The wording of this is a little awkward. Try reading it aloud-- like another review said--.
Again, weird word placing and way to long. Make the comma a period and add a period after Now it sounds a little bit better and less confusing.
Hmm... okay, way to long! You need to add a period after and a comma after . Then it could sound better.
I won't go into any more grammer issues now-- I'm not a time limit
As someone else pointed out, shyness issue doesn't really work.
This is okay I suppose. a little confusing still.
Glance-- again as someone pointed out, is a quick look. Use something like gaze or view maybe.
Cliche. And way to fast. You need to add more details on Ali and Scarlett. What is their relationship? This is just way to fast.
Jump! Jump! add more.
Final Thoughts:
This is... okay. But you can do better! I can tell by the good parts in this--they are in there!-- So just work on the things I pointed out and this will be good. Ali and Scarlett. Hehe, I like it! I want to know more so you did do something right. Good luck editing and can't wait to read more!
~Simply~
I often find the best way to review someone's work in terms of grammar, particularly punctuation...is to read it aloud. I did this with your piece and found myself struggling. There are no commas where there should be natural pauses and there are sometimes commas where there should be fullstops. It makes it hard to concentrate on other aspects of your writing.
The characterisatiom, as mentioned by Mars, seems naive and for that very teen romance, very overdone...you know the score I'm sure!
The type of thing we've read thousands of times over and that's a shame!
I would do a blow by blow account picking everything I wasn't happy with but I think if you read this aloud like I suggested earlier, a lot of things will become more apparent to you...
If you need any help or want to discuss my comments further give me a shout!
Hi Jessica! Here I am. I'll start out kind of nitpicky, comments in bold, and then tell you my overall impressions of the piece.
Okay! So, before I begin, I'm going to give you a quick grammar tutorial. When writing dialogue, you need to use either a period or a comma along with quotation marks. This:
"Hello" he said.
...is bad. That would be a comma.
If the dialogue has no tag, but an action, like:
[i]"Hi." She nibbled the scone.
Then it has a period (or ! or ?, whatever you need) and the next letter is capitalized. Check out this article for more info.
Another grammar-y thing: you had a lot of run on sentences. This could have been on purpose, to illustrate Scarlett's voice, which is nice. Even so, though, you want to use commas and colons and semicolons to break it up. Otherwise, us readers feel like we've just run a marathon, and usually we'll have to read it one or two more times to understand it. Using full stops will allow us to pause and absorb the sentence before moving on to the next one. And it's always a good idea to read your work out loud, to make sure your wording is smooth, and everything is where you want it.
Excellent. So. Next.
Ali and Scarlett. Honestly, I didn't like either one of them. Ali is so OMG! I love you! Let's be together forever! and that's way too dramatic. If someone said that to me, I'd be like, freak, get away from me! Especially as we readers have no idea what Ali's and Scarlett's relationship is before he says that. Are they good friends? Acquantainces? Exes? Strangers? Relatives? This needs to be clear. But, whatever they are, you're telling us too much too fast.
For example, you repeat that Scarlett has decided to lock herself up so as not to be hurt again. I think, instead of simply saying so, you could show us through her actions. Maybe someone new is interested in her--or Ali reappears--and though she likes him, she restrains herself, and finally he's like, What's the deal? and she goes, I'm totally not open to loving you! or whatever. You know? It's good to develop your character, but you can do this more subtly through dialogue, action, interaction, all that good stuff. And we don't need to know everything right in the beginning.
So yeah. You have time to develop your characters. You have time to let Ali and Scarlett's relationship blossom, and to show Scarlett's issue. Don't try to cram a whole history into a few paragraphs.
I'm going to throw another article at you just for good measure.
Eep! I think this review is longer than your story! It's okay, I'm almost done. Did I mention what I liked? Because I did like some stuff. I like the imagery that you used with the sky, as I stated above, and I wish it had been used a little more. I think that would also give another dimension to Scarlett, as in, contemplative and observant, you know? And I like where I think this is going, which is, inspiring love story about an underdog girl. I really hope you continue this. And I really hope that this review didn't seem too harsh. I can't wait to see how this develops!
Peace! -Mars