(I do not own Warriors, Erin Hunter does.)
Chapter 1
Foxstar sniffed the air. She caught the scent of the other clans, and she signaled for her clan to join the others the Thunderclan cats ran down the slope into the clearing. Foxstar could feel the questioning glares of the other clans burning into her fur curious about her clans late arrival, she leaped to her place among the other clan leaders.
"Now that Thunderclan has arrived let the gathering begin!" Spoke a silver tom Foxstar recognized as Oakstar leader of Riverclan, Oakstar was a wise leader; Foxstar respected him, she silently thanked him for not challenging her.
"Riverclan is doing well, the river is plentiful with fish, and Snowfur has given birth to two healthy toms" Pride entered his eyes,every cat in the clearing knew Snowfur was Oakstars mate,the Riverclan leader stepped back and Lionstar took his place.
"Shadowclan has been well, there have been no twolegs in our territory, and there is enough prey."
Foxstar glared at Lionstar if there was enough prey, why did he look so thin? and when she thought about it, all the Shadowclan warriors did, she knew he lied so his clan wouldn't look weak, but everyone could see that Shadowclan didn't have enough prey, though nobody would challege a Shadowclan leader.
The Shadowclan leader moved aside as Tigerstar came forward. "Windclan is also well there has never been before this many rabbits on the moor all of Windclans warriors are well fed" One could tell,because all the cat from windclan were bigger than usual. Windclan cats were normally the smallest of the clans, but they were even bigger than Shadowclan now "We have also turned the old fox dens into dens for the elders and queens."
The full moon shifted had in the sky. Tigerstar signaled that he was done, Foxstar knew it was her turn to speak. "All has been well in Thunderclan there has been enough prey for all of our clan,we caught the scent of a fox in our territory tonight we chased it as far as the Shadowclan border."
Worried glances passed between the Shadowclan cats.
"You've lead a fox to our territory" hissed one of the Shadowclan warriors. "
You see Lionstar they are trying to destroy our clan" said another.
The fur on the Shadowclan warriors started to rise. Foxstar stared in disbelief, would Shadowclan start a battle at a gathering? The light from the moon was gone she looked to the sky. The moon was covered by clouds Oakstar stepped forward
"Starclan is angry! Look, the moon is covered! There must not be a fight at a gathring!"
"This gathering is over," said Tigerstar.
Foxstar moved swiftly, she called to her clan when they had gathered, she led them back into Thunderclan territory.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hmm.... Short chapter. But I think it was pretty nice! You should add a comma or a period when quotes end, though. I liked the names, and I didn't see any unreasonable names (i.e. Socktail, Carfur, TVclaw, etc.). I hope to see more of Thunderclan and I hope Foxstar leads her clan well. And I would also like to see what the main conflict in the story is.
Hello! Rocketdog here!
I used to like Warriors too, actually, so I knew what everything in this story was. This is actually pretty good. It seemed like everything was there, and it was written pretty well, although there are some grammatical and punctuation errors. So, I won't nitpick, but I think it would be best for you to watch what you're doing with your sentences, because some of them are run-on and kind of long. Also, your commas and quotation marks are kind of wild, so I think you should definitely watch those too.
BUT one sentence:
"Foxstar could feel the questioning glares of the other clans burning into her fur curious about her clans late arrival, she leaped to her place among the other clan leaders."
It might be better if you break this one up, so it's two sentences, and put a period right between "fur" and "curious". I wasn't confused, but make sure you check things like that in the future so others won't.
Otherwise, it was pretty good. Like I said, I won't pick it apart because it's your story and not mine. It was interesting to see Warriors stuff again after such a long time. Keep going with this! I'm interested to see what happens.
Hello, there.
First off, I'd like to say that I'm not the best at reviews. Hope you can understand what I write...
To start, I did like that you explained how each of the characters were related to the setting. For example, Foxstar is the leader of ThunderClan, Lionstar is the leader of ShadowClan, etc. Remember that there is a very apparent danger in relaying all this information too soon. From my experience as a reader, knowing everything upfront kind of ruins the fun of finding out.
On to the part I'm not... excellent at. Throughout the piece, I noticed that grammar seemed to be an issue. The flowing of many sentences seemed to break, or continue on where they should have paused. This is easy to fix, adding a few punctuation marks and words. Also, the block-ish format of the writing makes it a bit harder to read. I'd recommend forming it into paragraphs...
Here's my edited version of this chapter (not adding any words):
*All edits will be in bold.
Note that all of the edits are done in my style of writing.
Overall, it's a good start to the story. To sum everything up, watch for grammar and information overload. I hope the editing wasn't too cluttered. ^^'