Published November 19, 2009
Chapter 4.
My eyes widen supprised to hear that, "What do you mean?" I started biting my nails that are
already to short. My mom always told me that I was going to get germs in my mouth.
"Well, you know. Marissia told me." Justin looked down when he told me this.
"Marissia told you. Marissia, my ex best friend. You are messed up. Wow." I could here my voice
getting nasty. "You are a jerk! I can't stand you."
The bus pulls up to our stop I get up before Justin can even say any thing to me. My two
younger brothers, Dyllyn and Brian, are waiting there for me. I run in the sunshine. My flip flops fall
off of my feet I pick them up off the pavment. I jump on my brothers, Dyllyn's, peggs and they ride to
our house.
Pulling in our driveway I can see my mom in the front of the house. I ran past her before she gets
a word out. As I go flop on my bed sobbing I can hear my mom talking quietly to my brothers. I am
a mess I think to myself.
My mom comes walking in my room. She sits sitentley on my bed and pats my back.
She takes a deep breath,"Jessie, I knew you weren't ready to go back to school, but your so
stubborn. I want to know why you ran in. I can't stand it when your upset. Brittnie is looking over
you. So, why don't you tell me about your day. It couldn't be that bad, now can it?"
I sit up and look around my room. I put my head in my hands. "Mom. I miss her so much. Why
did she have to die? Why couldn't I? She deserved to live. If we never moved she would've never
died. I am the reason for her death," the tears were streaming down my face. My eyeliner running
on my face. I wipe it with the back of my hand. My mom hugs me hard. And I sob in her chest. The
last time I did this was when I got dumped. I feel so stupid.
Finally, my mom talks,"Hunny, do you want you and I to go out to dinner tonight?"
I think. Is it really fair for my brothers to stay home? There old enough to behave. "Actually
mom I would like for all of us to go out tonigh as a family."
She smiles and nodds. She tells me to get ready and walks out of my bedroom.
When we get to Polish Food my brothers take my hands and walks me in. I just have to laugh.
We sit down at the circle table. My dad asks me how school was. I tell him it was good and leaving
the part about the boy who called me Cinderella.
We order our food and eat. Then when were done my dad asks us a question. "Helmet heads, do
you want to go mini golfing?"
My brothers starts shouting yes. My dad looks at me and I nodd. So we go mini golfing. I don't
think about Brittnie once. When we get home I am so exhausted. I climb out of the Cadillac
Conversion and follow my brothers inside. I say good night. They both hug me.
"Sissy," I hear my little brother when he was hugging me, "I am so happy your happy. Did you
know I was sad when you were sad?" I smile and just hug him harder.
I ruffel his hair,"Dyllyn, I am happy I that I am happy. Look you're making me say happy so
many times."
Dyllyn smiles and hugs me, "Your the best sissy in the world!" He runs to his bedroom.
"Good night, darlin'. Are you going to school tomorrow?" my mom is worried about me.. She's been ever since Brittnie died.
"Yes, mom. Stop worrying I will be fine.
I hope you enjoyed this! please review!!!! =] jess
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140,928 Literary Works • 673,751 Reviews
Hey, hope this helps.
This doesn't make sense. put a comma in behind widen perhaps?
just say "Mum always told me..."
This is awkward, the dialogue is stiff and 'real.' The best dialogue isn't much like real conversation it has to be relevant to the story and easy to read, it must flow. Plus "Justin looked..." is past tense the rest of the piece is present tense.
This is another example of stiff dialogue. Try ' "Marrisa told you?" I could feel my cheeks glowing, "leave me alone you jerk" ' It's not perfect but its a little more concise and to the point and not so wordy.
Grammar and spelling errors are common in this piece. I'm not gunna nit pick but just correct this sentence you can apply changes to the rest.
"The bus pulled(pulls is present tense and prefer past but its totally up to you as the writer but just make sure its conistent because right now it isn't) up and stopped. Justin stood with a dumb look on his face and I was gone before he could say anything else"
again it's not perfect but it remains in past tense. The sentences are punctuated and here I show a little more than I tell. Apply such changes to the entire piece.
good.
again "I feel so stupid" feel is present tense. Decide on present or past tense and stick to it.
'There' should be 'they're.'
Not alot happens in this piece. Overall it seems to be filler and character development. Play upon the conflicts a little. The MC's self blame and loathing. I am yet to read the other chapters but this chapter hardly stands alone.
characters: MC isn't quite round but she's not bad. Some interesting aspects, self blame etc. Make Mum not understand or something, its too smooth, not enought conflict or internal naration eg, "Mum never understood how close me and Britney were.
Revise the piece and it will be much stronger.
best,