Jinex By: Jessie K- class 7c
The nation Jinglio was controlled by one person, on the very top of the jinarchy, the jingy. All he wanted was one thing, to destroy all the jingos on the face of Jinglio. He was the cruelest jingo ever. His name was Jinex. You might be wondering… how in the Jinglio was this person set to be the jingy? Well, I’ll tell you how.
One day 286, 489, 564 years ago there was once a man named Jingle. He was the one who created Jinglio. He had a serious heart condition called Jinwie and knew he was going to die very soon. So he set out to find the perfect jingo to take his place. To do that he held a jinglewingle right there in Jinglio.
About 3000 jingos came to participate in the jinglewingle. They all went through a series of tests. Each test could have up to 10 jingos eliminated. After running about 500 tests, they were down to their last 10 finalists. Their names were Julie, Jessie, Jam, Jaime, Jonah, Joanne, Juice, Juppy, Jinex and Jink. The very last test that had to be done would determine who was going to be the next jingy. And sure enough, after an act of jelony, Jinex was the one. Soon after he became the jingy, Jenix put on a complete act for the jingos of Jinglio. His goal was to become the most powerful jingo and to do that by destroying all the jingos, have all the jiney in Jinglio to himself, and to have the jingy passed to his kids after him and from his kids thereafter to theirs.
So as of now, Jinex has almost succeeded. There were very few jingos left in Jinglio. Among them were Juppy, Juice, Jam and Jonah. If you recall those were the names of the finalists that were competing against Jinex and knew he was evil from the start.
They came up with a super plan to save Jinglio and destroy Jinex using his own and only weakness: the Jim Jail Jee Wee sandwich. This is the only thing known to jingos to ever kill villains. If Jinex even smells it, he will drop jead. So, their plan was to disguise the Jim Jail Jee Wee sandwich, so that it would look normal and leave it with Jinex.
Juppy, Juice, Jam and Jonah quietly snuck into his castle and left the Jim Jail Jee Wee sandwich on his desk and they all hid behind his chair and watched as Jinex proceeded to come back from the bath room. He stared at the Jim Jail Jee Wee sandwich. The disguise was so good, that he didn’t even notice it was a trap. Juppy, Juice, Jam and Jonah were right there crawled up behind his chair. Juice and his friends stared and as Jinex came closer to the sandwich only to jie painfully right in front of them.
From that day on, Juice became the jingy of Jinglio and the few jingos who survived Jenix were very happy. After generations and generations, Jinglio was back to its regular population and everyone lived happily.
THE END
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: OKay...this was an interesting little tale here. There's a lot of fun elements that work well for it here although I do have to say that there are a couple of elements which maybe don't go together as well as you'd expect and that has caused some minor issues here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
On one hard the repetition of j in every single word is really funny and I think that's perhaps intentional because it does work wonders to make this so much more entertaining but I have to say you should maybe tone it down slightly because after some time it does get just a tiny bit old here especially because the tone of this story appears to otherwise be a little more serious.
That last bit there could do with some rephrasing, the idea is clear enough but its very clunky. Otherwise, this is shaping up to be a nice little fairy tale. Even minus this repeated J gag, I think this would make for a solid, if perhaps slightly cliche, story.
Okayy...so this is sort of when the J's really get a tiny bit too much. This is a rather serious moment here, with a bit of assassination attempt almost getting planned and the concentration of the j words being the highest there makes the scene lose a lot of the weight it probably should have considering what is happening here.
Okay...well cool little fairy tale there. I feel like here you might have to make a choice and that is whether you really want this to be funny or if you'd rather keep this rather serious tone of the actual story going on here, because you need to try and focus on only one of those to really bring this piece to its full potential, right now because its trying to do both, some parts don't come off as well as they should.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this makes for a nice little fable of sorts, it just requires a tiny bit of adjustment like I mentioned above for it to truly reach its full potential here otherwise it doesn't quite work as well as it could.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, I'm Pink and here to do a short review for this piece.
Okay every time you mentioned jinglio or jinex or jingley or whatever, I couldn't control myself, I just laughed even if it was serious because it reminded me of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. If you know what I mean.
I think your story would have been more interesting if you added more detail, you jump here and there and try to provide us with information about a whole new word in just a few paragraphs and it's like, whoa, information overload. Then you use all these words that sound alike and although it's funny, it can get on a person's nerve sometimes. I agree with Ziggie there about reading more and developing more skill, you still have time to do that and with this kind of imagination I'm sure you'll pull something off that's amazing. Keep it up!
~Pink
I see a great idea in here about you trying to create a whole other world. However, you are not taking time to develop your ideas. You're sort of jumping from place to place and it's kind of boring.
This line sounds odd. I would put it like this,
You have a good story line, but your writing still needs a lot of work. Try to read more books and work hard on your grammar and storytelling skills. I'm pretty sure that because you are on this forum, it will help you a lot.
Keep writing and I'm looking forward to seeing more from you.