“Mommy, Daddy, look at me!” The little girl bounced down the stairs with the energy that only a six-year-old can have.
Her parents, who had been standing by the kitchen sink with their morning cups of coffee, discussing their plans for the day, turned around to see what their youngest child had gotten into. They both gasped in mild surprise.
“Michelle, what do you think you’re doing?” her mother said.
Michelle spun around, modeling the baggy jeans and over-sized t-shirt that she had stolen from her brother’s room. Spinning around again, she said, “They fit me good, Mommy. Can I wear them to school, please?”
“Of course not!” Her mother replied. Michelle’s father stood beside her quietly, his arms crossed. “Those belong to Bryan. He will wear them. I laid out a nice dress for you already. Now put your dress on and give those back to your brother.”
A look of shock and then frustration passed over the girl’s face. Her brown eyes took on a sad puppy look and her lower lip stuck out. She started to whine. “But I hate dresses! I want to wear pants like my brothers! None of the girls at school have to wear dresses all the time! It’s not fair!” She stamped her foot, but the long pant legs covering her feet muffled the sound.
Michelle’s parents glanced at each other and sighed, frustrated but determined not to give up. This time her father stepped in. He scooped up his only daughter and sat down at the kitchen table with her on his lap. He pressed his lips into her soft brown hair, the same color as his. “Sweetheart, you’re not like the girls at school.” His voice was soft and gentle, the voice of a loving father. “You’re our perfect little angel and we want everyone to see how beautiful you are. Now, please take those pants off. They don’t suit you. Your mother laid out a beautiful dress for our little angel to wear-”
“I hate dresses!” Michelle screamed as she tried to wriggle out of her father’s grasp.
“I know you do, Sweetheart.” Her father grunted as he tried to hold on to his frustrated child. “But you’re a good girl, and good girls wear pretty dresses.”
“Then I don’t wanna be a good girl! I don’t wanna wear dresses anymore!” Michelle had stopped whining and started yelling.
“That’s too bad, Honey.” Her father said as both parents struggled to remain calm. “Because they look nice on you and you will keep wearing them.”
“No I won’t!”
Her parents gasped. Both were shocked by their daughter’s defiance. She had never openly refused them before. Her father grabbed her arm, not to hurt her, but to let her know he was serious. “Yes you will. End of discussion.”
“No! You can’t make me!” Michelle screamed, as she kicked her legs, and flailed her arms.
That was the last straw. Michelle's father bent her over his knee and spanked her. He then stood her on her feet and, pointing towards her bedroom, yelled. “Put your damn dress on!”
Michelle stood in front of her father for several seconds, speechless; he had never raised a hand to her before. She turned and slowly walked back upstairs, occasionally tripping over the long pant legs. As she reached the top step, she could hear her father whisper to his wife, “We’ll turn her into a lady yet.”
As she wandered back to her bedroom, Michelle struggled to hold back the tears. It’s not fair, she thought to herself, my brothers get to do whatever the want and I can’t do anything fun, ‘cause I’m a girl.
She was tired of baking cookies and playing with dolls. She wanted to go fishing and play soccer with her brothers, but her parents always said, “Good little girls don’t do that.” Michelle was so sick of hearing that. She didn’t want to be a ‘good little girl.’ She wanted to have fun.
She stopped and stared at the frilly purple dress lying neatly on the perfectly made bed. I can’t wait ‘til I grow up. Then I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me.
She took off the jeans and shirt and put her dress on, not bothering to smooth out the wrinkles like she usually did. She was determined to have that small victory. She sighed, wondering what her life would be like when she was grown up. Michelle wanted to be a doctor, or maybe and astronaut. Her oldest brother, Paul, told her he wanted to be an engineer. She wasn’t quite sure what that was- Paul said it was too complicated for her to understand- but she figured that if he could do it, so could she. She knew for sure though, that she did not want to be a stay-at-home mom, like her mommy. Michelle was determined to have fun as a grown-up.
Renewed by her own pep talk, Michelle answered her brother’s yell of “Where the hell are my clothes?” by marching into his room and throwing his jeans in his face.
I wanted to show how Michelle was figuratively smothered by her parents, and developed into a self-concious, shy, and (for lack of a better word) boring adult. I was planning on making references throughout the story back to this chapter and her childhood in general.
btw, thanks for rescuing this from page seven. (sigh) my hero!
Jessica Rabbit
Well, there's nothing more to say after Sam's review, but there is one thing she didn't have.
How does this tie into your story?
I've read the next chapter, and I didn't need to know this at all. Sneak in little parts about it in later on chapters. Also, if she's too afraid to even talk to a guy, how is that having fun as an adult?
If you must keep this, just tie it in a little bit better. It seems a shame to trash it, though, it's so well written.
Wow! I saved this from the seventh page! 
This was good. Youve got enough critiques but that wont stop me.
I agree with Sam, well the first thing they said. The first line needs a bit more grab. But other than that it was great. I cant wait for the next part 
Hey, Jessicarabbit!
I really, really liked this story- you've got a very easy, flowing style, and of course...you have an awesome girl character in a world where most of them are lackluster. I salute you.
Of course, it'd be highly unnatural for me to read something, even something so cool as this, and not be overly critical, right? Here are a few things I thought could use a little looking-over:
THE FIRST LINE: Is good, but doesn't exactly strike me. Seems like just another naïve, bouncy, cute, etc. wonder child who makes all the endearing mistakes- getting peanut butter stuck in their mouth so they can't talk, for example- on your favorite family sitcom. Not good, when you're trying to make a feminist down-with-conservative-parents statement.
What you want is something that sets the stage for the odd conformatism [is that a word? Huh...] that follows. Something that'll really show how boring and uptight the parents are.
This is how I'd do it, personally:
Mr. Jones and his wife sat at opposite ends of the table, eating breakfast silently. Every once in awhile one of them would clear their throat to speak, but find nothing to say.
"Stocks are up," said Mr. Jones at long last, feigning a smile.
Mrs. Jones returned the gesture with an equally false grin. "Wonderful!"
They went back to eating quietly, until there was a loud rumble coming from the staircase. "Mommy! Daddy! Look at me!"
“Michelle, what do you think you’re doing?” her mother said.
Michelle spun around, modeling the baggy jeans and over-sized t-shirt that she had stolen from her brother’s room. Spinning around again, she said, “They fit me good, Mommy. Can I wear them to school, please?”
Now put your dress on and give those back to your brother.
“But I hate dresses! I want to wear pants like my brothers! None of the girls at school have to wear dresses all the time! It’s not fair!”
Yeah I did like this aswell, but I think that you could make it even better 
Some of the sentences seem a little too long:
Her parents, who had been standing by the kitchen sink with their morning cups of coffee, discussing their plans for the day, turned around to see what their youngest child had gotten into.
Wow, thanks everyone! I'm glad you liked it. I think it's the best chapter I've written. (I've written about four chapters in this story).
To give you a sneak peak, the next chapter takes place about 20 years later. The intention of the intro is to show how Michelle developed as a result of her childhood. I hope i do it justice, because I'm currently struggling with the main character and i'm worried that i may be exaggerating her personality. Hopefully it all works out.
As for the lack of spelling mistakes, GOD BLESS SPELL CHECK!!!!! 
Hey Jessica. 
I liked this, it was really well done. And I am interested to see what sort of person she would become. But you actually made that really realistic. Made me glad my parents aren't as suffocating lol.
But like the others, I couldn't find any mistakes. Depressing, really. And you're new lol!
Anyway, good job on this.
-Mat
This is like... the story of my life. Seriously. O.O
I really enjoyed this, and I'm hard pressed to find any mistakes... You show good control of your characters, and they're quite realistic. It's all very well-developed and I've found no spelling or grammar errors, which I'm darn good at.
You're a diamond in the rough among newer users. Excellent job, and I can't wait to read more.
-Saint Razorblade 
I love it. From the first read I gave it, I didn't see any mistakes at least. Its well put together and I want to see more as soon as possible. She sort of sounds like me when I was younger, rude demanding and pouty. Expecially about dresses. I'm a jeans type of girl.
120,614 Literary Works • 651,077 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 15
Donate