Hey Jess =) Welcome to YWS! Why not head over to the Welcome area and introduce yourself?
I've done the nitpicks in the actual document below, and here I'll just babble about some critiquing stuff. ^^ Oh, and in case you didn't know, it's a rule to do at least two reviews for every submission you make. Keeps it fair, you see. Now:
They are my world. My heart. They are who I am. They are the two things that have kept me here. Without them, my life would have ended long ago. They make me strong. They’re the ones I call when I cry. They make me laugh. We are part of each other. Three parts of a whole. If I lost them. What would I be? I would be a lone body with no soul. They are my soul.
I just... I find this too "in your face". I mean, you might have heard the phrase "show, don't tell". It's true that there should be substantial telling too, but right now, I feel too thrust into all this stuff. It's fundamentally just one point that you have repeated over and over again, and because they are, for the most part, "they are", none of the sentences support the other and I have no reason to believe it. That's why, on the opening part especially, we need not an abstract chain of telling but perhaps a momentary flashback, or even just throw us into the story.
See, this could fit well at the end, perhaps (I have not read it yet), but you might want to rephrase this to increase the subtlety and give the reader chance to digest. Specifically, don't say that they "are" anything, but replace each line like that with evidence, if you like. For example:
They are the two things that have kept me here.
How? I can't believe that because it alienates me; I don't know what you mean. I can imagine you're saying to me, "Read on! Read on! It all makes sense later!" But it should make sense now. Or at least, there should be reason for me to understand. Here, you might write something cheesy like, "They bolted my door when I tried to leave." It's a metaphor, and has the same idea. See what I mean?
If only we had known how true that statement was.
Gah! Gives it away! You see, we've just had a pretty page where the world looked like a golden tulip, but then you tell us someone's going to die. I'd rather just here that than a subtlety fail.
It's blunt, quick and contrasts completely, without taking a moment to sink in and gives the reader his first taste of suspense.
Okies. I didn't have much more to add as it progressed; it was really very good! At first, I was thinking it would just be a big chunk of writing about someone's miserable life, but in the end, I felt like justice had been done. =) My first advice is to sort out your grammar! It's all over the place, and I'd pay particular attention to commas and semicolons; proofread! It'll put your work above about 90% of everything else because reviewers won't have to spend so long on nitpicks. But I'm a nice exception.
I would suggest rethinking the opening. You make it seem to pretty and rosy; it might be easier on the reader to have a page or so devoted to a flashback. By that I mean we see the characters communicate with each other, talking about the summer day. Then a blunt "they died" would challenge the character development and the reader can see who these people are, and then we'll get on idea on the relationships from there. That's through dialogue, emotions, opinions and such. However, shot it only from the main character's viewpoint so that it is, in fact, focused around her thoughts.
One more thing: would she blame herself? I mean, a moment of fear, or regret, of what she did? Was it her fault? Can we guilt the reader into making him/her care? I believe so.
I hope I've helped! Please PM me if you have any questions.
Best
Blinky
Points: 13719
Reviews: 243
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