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Young Writers Society



Runaways Chap. 1

by jessabelle4C


My brain didn't even register what was going into my bag. I'm surprise that damn old thing hasn't exploded from pressure over the years. It's been through many events like this, but lately it's more frequent. I could hear the rain pounding, on the roof and the locked windows; I can't catch a break can I?

I have to hurry, only a few minutes before he busts through my safe house, again, and I still haven't woken up the baby or Heather. I still have to pack their bags too. What if I don't make it? What if he comes right now? I'll never see them again. I can't live without my siblings. It'll be like when Mother left us. when Father left us. Granny told us that their friend was taking them on a vacation, it's been nearly 4 months. Just after Joey was adopted.

Grabbing my bag and throwing it over my shoulder, I run to Heather's room to wake her and the baby up. To my surprise, Heather is up packing up Joey's bag. She turns towards me, her brunette hair flying everywhere.

"I heard you packing, it's time again, is it not?" She said loudly through the rain noises.

"Is Joey's stuff packed?" I said to avoid the question.

"YES! Now where are we suppose to go now Serena?"

"I'm working on it!" I said running out of the gray-walled room. The kitchen is where I end up, going through all the baby formulas for Joey and the pill bottles for the cramps Heather always gets when she runs for too long because she gives most of her water to Joey. The only thing that goes through my mind right then is that i can't find our money. It's always in the back of the pill bottles, it's gone.

"Heather!!" I scream.

"Almost done with my bag!"

"good, but where is the money?" i hear her grab the protesting Joey and run to the kitchen.

"What do you mean?"

"It's not here!" I gesture calmly to the cabinet. She stares at it, trying to remember where she put it. She doesn't have time to explain, I quickly check my phone's recent calls. It was only 7 minutes after David called ahead with warning that he was coming in nearly 15 minutes.

"Heather!" I say as she runs to the doorway. "Get away from the door, you'll be seen idiot!" she tries to grab an object as fast as she can, with Joey in her arms, on the table next to the door. thankfully, she returns with the wallet full of hundreds and a few ten dollar bills. Gotta love Granny.

"Done. Do you have everything?" she questions.

"I'll get the bags. You know the drill." I start to move past her, she blocks my way.

"Where is the place?"

"North and King." She nods and shifts Joey, who's looking at me. I think he can tell that we're leaving again. He shudders in his little rain that matches Heather's. I nod back and push past her.

"Love you"

"Ditto" I yell over my shoulder. I never tell her love you, unless I know for sure it'll be awhile before i see her. i hear her prepare herself for the rain, and then the back door slams. She might not look like much, but that damn girl is catching up to me in spot on shooting.

I go get the bags, and my gun. Check for ammo, all good. i look around, mentally check listing everything. When it's good, I check my watch- 1:10. Only 5 more minutes. I run to the kitchen, checking if Heather has started the drill.

The gas stove is on, paper towels all of it. I smirk, she always has a different plan every time. Carefully I grab some hairspray on the counter that Heather left me, and quickly throw it on the stove and run to the door. After I slammed the door and got in the woods in the back yard, it explodes. I laugh before I run through the forest to get to the city's outer rim.

The bags don't weigh me down down that much, I'm used to it. The green finally starts to thin out and I see the city lights. just before the city starts to really emerge, there's the beautiful street of North and King, in front of the Holiday Inn and a few stores. No suburbs for awhile, just how I like it.

In the front window of the all night coffee shop, Coffee Is Lovee, there's Heather with Joey in cased in her arms sitting casually in a booth with Heather pretending to talk on the phone. She spots me, waves, and wink. I quickly pull out my phone and run to the shop. I enter the shop, closing my phone, nodding at the people and walk to Heather.

She whispers to me, smiling, "We so should be in Hollywood." I take her coffee cup and sip slowly.

"I'm getting you some water." I said in a motherly way and get up to get some water, after I go back to Heather starting to wake up Joey, "Come on, we'll check into the hotel." I said as I get the bags. Heather gets the baby bag and again shifts Joey.

When we get to the front desk of the hotel, the woman looks at us-to her there's a 16 year old holding a kid, and an 18 year old pulling out her wallet who looks like she's sleep deprived. I gesture to the computer,

"Excuse me, when you finally are done with acknowledging that she," I point at Heather, "Did not have him." point at Joey, "That we are here to see our parents who live about ten miles away, and that we need one room; could you start with the typing ma'am?" I smile sweetly.

The woman glares at me, through her red squared glasses and starts typing into the computer. "How long do you plan on staying?" I can tell that she hopes it's not long.

"Just tonight and probably until 5 tomorrow, ma'am." I keep smiling.

"That will be Room 124, and $44.10. Name?"

"Lily Anne" I go through my wallet to find that person's ID and show it to the woman, and then give her 5 ten dollar bills.

"Enjoy your stay." She fakes a smile, looks at Joey and then gives me the key card.

"Thanks."

When we get to the room, Heather starts as predicted she would. "Bitch! I hate how everyone thinks I had Joey. You're carrying him from now on!" I sigh, it's way too late to start this.

"We'll talk about it in the morning."

"It is morning!"

"Heather! Calm yourself!" I shout back. Heather starts to say something, but Joey makes himself heard in her arms. I go over them, "I'll take Joey for the next few hours Heather. You can relax a little, you're too much like mother."

"Thanks. I'm sorry Serena."

"Go to bed. I'll wake you up around 6."

"But you know you need sleep too. You haven't in two days."

"I will. Goodnight." I say as I sit down in the comfy chair and Heather heads to the bed. I kiss Joey, get up and set him on the chair, knowing that he doesn't roll in his sleep. I go to the bathroom and then get into some sleep clothes.

Once I get to Joey, I throw my legs over the arms of the chair and lounge on the chair, with Joey on my chest. And let the worries of tomorrow wait until tomorrow.

To be contd.

Note-- Now, how is it?? :elephant: :smt003 :smt001


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Wed Dec 30, 2009 10:36 pm
jessabelle4C says...



sorry, i'll fix that. i meant to put it in italics, but my brother pushed me off the couch.. my NEW laptop is okay. :D


Thank you!

I know I write a little different for most people, I showed my mom, an English major, and she thought the same thing. haha




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Wed Dec 30, 2009 9:53 pm
Pretty Crazy says...



Ooh this is much better! Before I thought it was you average family- father, mother, child. Now I understand it's two teenage girls and a little boy?

I point at Heather, "did not have him." point at Joey,

Instead of bold I think it would be more suitable to have it in italics. I don't think I've ever seen bold text in dialogue. :)

Conclusion: I think it's a lot better. It's so far from what it first was, it's amazing. Good job! I like your writing style, it's slightly different but I like it.
I am so looking forward to the next part. :D :elephant: :mrgreen:




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Wed Dec 30, 2009 4:46 pm
jessabelle4C says...



After going through the story many times, I fixed all the grammar errors. Which I'll admit was a lot. :oops:

I'm working on the next chapter right now, any requests for what you might want to happen, just PM me :mrgreen:




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Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:37 pm
Mentalist wrote a review...



jessabelle4C wrote:My brain didn't even register what was going into my bag. I'm surprised that the(?) damn thing hasn't exploded from pressure over the years. Did you change the tense between the first and second sentences? It's been through many events like this, but lately it's gotten more frequent. I think you should reword the last part of this sentence I could hear the rain poundeding on the roof and the locked windows,period instead of a comma I can't catch a break can I?

I have to hurry, only a few minutes before he busts through my safe house, again, and I still haven't woken up the baby or Heather. I still have to pack their bags too. What if I don't make it? What if he comes right now? I'll never see them again. This is pretty boring, I have no idea what's going on except that someone is coming after the MC and that it's raining and they're trying to get away.

Abandoning my almost complete bag, I ran to Heather's room to wake her and the baby up. To my surprise, Heather is up packing up Joey's bag. I sigh briefly before I run back to my room to get the bag. In my haste departure, I trip over my own two feet. Normally, I would just catch myself before I showed the world how weak I was, but this time I slammed my head into the wardrobe. Then it was black. Ooh, dramatic. /sarcasm

To be contd.


#FF0000 ">Well not much happened. Or, a lot happened and I didn't really notice. You have to work on showing, not telling. I have no idea what the characters look like, I have no idea what the house looks like, I have no idea what's really going on. I think you also have some tense issues, then again I'm bad at those myself and can't really help you there. Maybe there's a guide on tenses on this site somewhere that you can read. If I find one, I'll give you the link.
Also, is this the whole chapter? Or is this just part of it? Nothing really happened in the chapter at all, as I mentioned before.
Overall: Average, needs editing.




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Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:31 pm
Sureal wrote a review...



Hello there, jessabelle4C. =)

Just a few quick comments:

Right, first off you have some bizarre things going on with your tense - it swaps every few words between the present tense and past tense. Pick one of them, then stick to it.

I'm guessing you haven't proof read this yet? If not, then do. (In fact: always proof read.) I think this is the main reason why you haven't got a consistent tense.

On the plus side: lovely opening. Short, muscular, and to the point.

The ending paragraph feels weird, though. I think you have too much happening in a quick space of time, and I feel a touch distant from what's happening here. Lengthen this a little more, perhaps? Rather than simply telling us in the narration that the character goes to wake Heather and Joey, try to show the scene a bit more.


Hope that helps somewhat. ^_^




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Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:29 pm
Pretty Crazy wrote a review...



Hello! :)
Very interesting start. But there isn't very much description. What do they look like? What is going on? And how does he feel? You don't have to answer all those questions but some more detail would be nice.
Also, the last part was a little random. If he was in panic it would make sense, but you didn't tell us how he felt. You told his situation, try showing us his reaction.

I want to read the rest, so I'll be waiting. :D Hope I wasn't harsh.




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Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:24 pm
carelessaussie13 wrote a review...



Hi there!

Okay, so there are a few things going on here. One is that I have no idea who narrator is. I mean, I'm guessing it's a guy because there was a girl and a baby, but are we talking teenager? Young guy? Old guy? Another thing is that I don't know why they're running away. Not a clue. They seem very rushed, but you haven't told us why. I also don't really care about the characters. In a story like this, I should be rooting for them, barely able to contain myself as I hope against hope that somehow they escape.

So think about those things. But there's definitely some urgency, which is a great thing. Good job. And this is just a little posting thing, but it's hard to get invested ina story when there are only three paragraphs of it, you know? Anyway. Keep it up!





If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"