woah, this honestly gives me inspiration as a new writer! since I'm still new, this honestly blew me away with the choice of words and the rhymes. All the best on your new novel! This poem would be awesome for it 
*Authors note: One of the poems intended for early chapters of my new novel.
Original draft
There you are at the evening’s horizon,
Looking down on these fields of mine.
I wonder what do you expect to dine,
When you hide so behind our sun.
There’s a simple rule in these lands of mine,
You might have noticed on the border sign,
Or perhaps after seeing my cities’ design,
And there’s nothing in it for you to undermine.
These
lands may be your end or haven,
So do remember this one rule well,
It takes twenty two steps to heaven,
And just two simple steps to hell.
Edited draft
And so here you are on the horizon,
Looking down on these fields of mine.
As you hide yourself behind our sun,
I now wonder who shall I assign.
You might have noticed on this border sign,
Or perhaps after seeing my cities ahead,
There's a simple rule for you to keep in mind,
If you want to step down and not be dead.
These lands of mine could be your haven,
So do remember this simple rule well,
It takes twenty two steps to heaven,
And just two simple steps to hell.
woah, this honestly gives me inspiration as a new writer! since I'm still new, this honestly blew me away with the choice of words and the rhymes. All the best on your new novel! This poem would be awesome for it
And welcome to the writing world! Looking forward to seeing you around.
Love it. The rhyme isn't the best for the second stanza, you might want to go with more disverse rhymes. It'll help break the sameness.
Loved it after finishing. Very interfesting.
Is your book more prose than poetry? Also, is it narrative poetry epic? Hope to find out.
Also the simple rule could be used for surreal effect with describing what it is, basically, you'd be able to be profound and transformative to provide a surreal effect. It would take more set up for the poem but it works with what you already have.
Tried the rhythm change to see if it brings the message across better, getting reviews on the impression really helps. I believe I will improve this poem a fair deal for the use in chapter itself. As for the novel, I assume it's a fiction novel like any other in scifi/fantasy genre, but since I love music and poetry and find it a superb addition in works, I'm trying to share some matching lyrics and poems throughout the work where it fits.
For the most part, this was a very enjoyable poem. There was one aspect, however, that threw off the entire piece - the rhthym and rhyme. The changing of the rhyme scheme with each stanza was disorienting, and that undermined the narrative to an extent. The first stanza almost follows an ABBA pattern, the second an AAAA rule, and the third an ABAB. I personally prefer the second two, but I would advise choosing one overall, as this doesn't seem to be part of one longer poem but one of several. Occaisionally there is a line where one less or more syllable could be recommended, but that's not as much of a distraction.
As for the content of the poem, it is very intriguing. Whose lands are these? There is mention of a single, "simple" rule, yet what it is is never elaborated upon. It has something to do with the easiness of reaching Hell. The road to Hell may be wide and paved with good intentions, but it is also apparently quite short. This ending, however, despite these loose ends, is satisfactory. Are the ownership of the land, the rule, and the choice between Heaven and Hell explained in the full novel?
Thank you for this piece. Happy All Saints' Day!
Time willing, I'd be able to post the related chapters soon and I hope it'd be of good enjoyment for you. As regarding change in the rhythm, please check the comment I posted to Plume's review right below.Hey there, and welcome to YWS!! Plume here, with a review!!
I enjoyed reading this poem!! I think it was delightfully cryptic while also having concrete images sprinkled throughout. It felt slightly ominous, like a warning, a bit. I liked the length of it; I think it was just perfect to encapsulate all that you wanted to achieve. Really nice work!!
My interpretation seems to be that it's about two rivals, perhaps? It almost sounds like an ominous challenge or reminder from the speaker of the poem, perhaps to somebody who they know is trying to usurp them or take something from them, either literally their lands or maybe something more metaphorical. At least, that's my interpretation! I could be wrong.
One thing I wondered about was your rhyme scheme. It changed from paragraph to paragraph, and I was curious about why you made that choice. You opened with a somewhat archaic ABBA like the opening to a Petrarchan sonnet, then you switch to BBBB in the next stanza, and then a bit of a slant rhyming ABAB. I'm not sure if this is some poetry form I'm unaware of, but I was quite curious as to why you switched it up. To me, it made the poem less cohesive and a little clunky at times, and overall it gave it a less satisfying end, but if you had a desired effect, I'd love to hear it!
I also thought your title was super interesting. I love how you've added the twenty two steps to heaven and the two steps to hell together, almost suggesting that it's possible to achieve going to both. I'm curious to see whether that has any bearing on your novel, and if someone does take those twenty four steps.
Overall: nice work!! I think this poem is very well done, and I'm definitely interesting in reading the novel that it's part of! I hope you decide to publish some of it on here someday, and I also hope I get to read and review some more of your poems! Until next time!!
. I can definitely elaborate on the rhyme scheme without spoiling much. I wanted to find out how people would react to/see the changes between the stanzas, as it serves an own purpose. When you look at the first stanza, which tries to be as "formal" as possible, it describes a picture of having a hard time to discern intentions of the other party, as their expression/aura is obscured by the sun. Since it's rather difficult to know what is their intent, second stanza swiftly delivers a warning, because the moment this other party takes a step down (approaches, reveals their intent as the sun no longer can obscure as much), they are either on the way to "heaven" (good relationship, having a place to return to) or "hell" (swift end), and to deliver that clearly (as if a matter of fact), I used a "standard" scheme. Amount of steps deliver their own messages, I'm thankful to read you came across the connection to twenty-four steps, combined they have an extra meaning, just like how human relationships have their turns.Hi there!
So the first thing I notice here is your rhyme scheme. I honestly don't have actual thoughts on rhyming in poetry, as it depends fully on how the writer chooses to showcase it. I'm personally not the best at keeping a solid scheme in my poetry because I find it harder to really add in what I want to add in, when someone else might only be able to write rhyming poetry because it helps them maintain a formatting to their writing.
With that, let's take a look at your rhyme scheme:
There you are at the evening’s horizon,
Looking down on these fields of mine.
I wonder what do you expect to dine,
When you hide so behind our sun.
There’s a simple rule in these lands of mine,
You might have noticed on the border sign,
Or perhaps after seeing my cities’ design,
And there’s nothing in it for you to undermine.
These lands may be your end or haven,
So do remember this one rule well,
It takes twenty two steps to heaven,
And just two simple steps to hell.
I wondered how people would take the change in how the stanza is delivered, because as the first stanza begins, there's somebody at the evening's horizon and the sun is covering his/her face, this makes it rather difficult to discern their intentions towards you, and depending on what their intentions are, they are "two roads". The longer one, twenty two steps, means proper building of a good relationship and "returning to haven", two steps then stand for a swift reaction to any ill will. Since it's difficult to discern because of the sun, one has to adapt and change accordingly, difference in "rhyme pattern" is meant to address exactly that.There you are at the evening’s horizon,
Looking down on these fields of mine.
I wonder what do you expect to dine,
When you hide so behind our sun.
I imagine someone looking out at the sunrise/sunset seeing the person they care about leave.
There’s a simple rule in these lands of mine,
You might have noticed on the border sign,
Or perhaps after seeing my cities’ design,
And there’s nothing in it for you to undermine.
I like how the main characters has their own set of rules that's being broken and they're hurt because of it.
These lands may be your end or haven,
So do remember this one rule well,
It takes twenty two steps to heaven,
And just two simple steps to hell.
Yikes! That was quite an ending! Excellent job!
Might be interesting how readers would take this poem once they read the novel text before and after it, would look forward to it.
120,203 Literary Works • 649,065 Reviews
Points: 75
Reviews: 1
Donate