z

Young Writers Society



Second Excerpt from Dragonquest: An Epic Tale of Dragons

by jennydragonlover


After arriving in the strangest land that any person with imagination can conjure up, Simon, and his new, strange friends fly on the backs of threer dragons towards Darwin’s Dragon Academy. As they turn northwest, a large, fortified building is visible in the distance. Dragons patrol the towers and parapets, winging and circling above the school like enormous bats……

“There it is,” Jenny said grandly as they neared the massive building. “Darwin’s Dragon Academy.”

“So tell me again,” Simon stammered nervously. “I’m riding on a dragon and I’m going to enter a school full of dragons?”

“Yes, and might I add that you’re not insane?!” Julie added sternly. “This is not a dream or fantasy or hallucination or anything else your logic might be trying to say. This is real; dragons are real; this world is real; and I’m real.”

“Julie, I think that we’ve established the fact that everything here is reality,” Mary pointed out calmly. “Simon understands our commitment to dragons, don’t you?”

Simon wriggled uncomfortably. “Er, I guess so, sort of.” At this “outrageous” statement, Mary sighed and submitted to his inadequate response.

“Academy is in sight; prepare for landing!” Julie called out. The dragons all tilted slightly to the right as they began to descend. Simon nearly hyperventilated when a strong puff of wind hit hard against his chest, knocking the air out of his lungs. When the dragons landed, Simon fell off, tumbling into the grass.

“Are you all right, Simon?” Marli asked, her blue eyes wide with worry. “There’s no need to be embarrassed. First flight’s always a little disorienting and scary.”

Turning red in the face and breathing hard, Simon looked away. He glanced at the heavily guarded entrance. “The guards are wearing medieval-age helmets? Isn’t there any technology around here?”

“Of course there is,” Mary said indignantly. “We have computers and Internet. The only problem is that only a certain amount of advanced technology is permitted here.”

“Why?” Simon asked. “That sucks. You’re holding back, which makes you look weak.”

Jenny looked irritated by Simon’s logical insult. “We don’t make the rules around here,” she snapped. “The dragonmistress does.”

“Dragonmistress? Who’s the dragonmistress?” Simon asked, feeling more bewildered every second. He was sure that his sanity already surpassed the fitting amount at his world.

Mary furrowed her eyebrows. “You’ll find out.” The red dragon (known as Chipper) that Simon had rode on with Jenny, galloped over to the entrance and banged his paw with great force on the heavy wooden doors.

“Hey, somebody let us in or I’ll knock this door down!” Just as Chipper charged for the final blow, the doors swung open. Surprised, the red dragon lost his balance and fell on the ground, his snout scraping against the ground. Laughter rang as the guards tried their best to choke back their laughter.

“That’s the fifth time that you’ve knocked down the door!” An unfamiliar voice rang in the air. The guards immediately stopped laughing and resumed their patrolling. Simon gasped as a large, handsome, blue dragon stepped out from the open entrance, his gentle, blue eyes slightly amused.

“Gaudior!” Mary’s yellow dragon, Sunny, sprinted and tackled the blue dragon. Simon watched in fascination as they began to playfully wrestle madly with each other.

“Sunny! You’re back! I didn’t know when you were coming back. In fact, I just found out the perfect place to set the wedding-” Sunny responded by pushing him away and laughed hysterically.

“You can try to hit each other until one of you two ends up throbbing in pain,” Mary suggested. “We’ve got someone that the dragonmistress might want to meet.”

Gaudior’s playful manner annulled and his smile was replaced with a thoughtful frown. “The dragonmistress is in her office,” he declared in a tone not unlike to the tone of someone who has just relived a regrettable experience sometime in their life. “She loathes being pestered by people who intend to waste her time.”

“Don’t worry, Gaudior,” Julie assured authoritatively. “We aren’t going to waste her time.”

“Then move on to her office then!” Gaudior exclaimed, waving his paws and gesturing wildly. “I need to close the gates. We don’t want any unpleasant creatures waltzing inside here, do we?”

“I don’t know,” Jenny shrugged, her voice casually. “It depends on the way you look at it. Enemies of the dragon academy aren’t permitted but sometimes long-lost friends aren’t welcome either.” As she spoke, Simon noticed that she seemed to be directing this statement at Marli, who bashfully riveted her gaze on the ground.

“Why do we have to walk up these stairs?” Simon panted as he forced his thin legs to lever his body onto the next winding flight of stairs. He prided himself of being the thinnest boy in his private school but now that fact seemed obsolete.

“Because the office is located at the very top of this tower,” Julie replied. “You’re not tired, are you?”

“Of course not,” Simon gasped for breath. If legs could talk, his would probably be screaming, “Of course I’m tired. I’ve been walking for two hours up this damn, freakin’ tower!”

“We’re almost there,” Marli said soothingly. Although her voice was gentle and calm, Simon fancied that he detected a slight note of anxiety.

“How come the office has to be so high? Why couldn’t the architect build it lower? Walking up these stairs is stupid!”

“I agree, but that’s the way things always have been,” Mary concurred. To Simon’s relief, the stairs ended and a polished closed door was a few feet in front of him. Jenny grabbed the doorknob but discovered that it was locked.

“Typical of her,” she sighed. “Anyone have a lock pick?” Julie obliged by handing her, what looked like a fine piece of gold wire. Jenny inserted it in and the door clicked open.

“Having the right equipment pays off,” Julie asserted, taking back the wire. “Everybody, get inside. Everybody also means you, Tinkalanyia,” she added when Marli tried to sneak back down the stairs.

Simon entered the office and gazed around. The office was large and comfy with armchairs and beanbags for comfortable lounging. A young lady of around twenty was writing something down and talking on the phone at the same time. Her hair was a dirt-colored brown and was messy, as if she omitted to brush her hair the last few days. Something about her seemed vaguely familiar but Simon rationalized that it was impossible to assume that you recognize a complete stranger.

“Could you please set up another line of forts along the western mountain range? I know that this is kind of short notice but could you? The Ghost Dragon Occurrence? No, the dragon academy wasn’t involved…..no, I can’t help you there. What? You’re considering quitting? Well, if that’s the way you want it then go ahead! Good day!” She slammed the phone down and scribbled something on an official looking document.

“Having a rough day, dragonmistress?” Jenny inquired in the most innocent voice she could muster. The lady glanced up briefly and waved her hand.

“I’m sorry, you guys, but I’m kind of busy right now. I’ve got tons of paperwork to do: a report with a full-length summary of the activity going on in Taro Valley…..and I have to send a letter to the Ice Dragon Lord of the Northern Kingdoms….” She paused as her gaze fell on Simon. “Who are you?”

“I’m Simon,” Simon stammered weakly. “I’m-, I’m not sure how I got here. I must be hallucinating or something because I’m seeing things like dragons and wolves-”

“So?” the lady prompted coolly. “You’re probably going to see a lot more than just dragons around here.”

Mary, who had been quiet, suddenly bursted out. “This isn’t what you think, Henrietta! He’s not from our world! Somehow, he got, well, pulled, into our world. He hasn’t got a clue where he is or how to get back!”

The lady stood up. “Jenny! Have you done any “traveling” as you put it, lately?”

“Define lately,” Jenny replied harmlessly. The dragonmistress shot her a glare.

“All right, all right; I might have traveled to this guy’s world and I might have shown him how to open a portal indirectly and I might have given him a copy of The Illusions and I might have-”

The dragonmistress turned red. “Do you realize what these occurrences might mean to the boy? He must be sent back!”

“What chapter did you read up to?” Julie demanded. Simon shrugged and scratched his head. “I was at the part about Marli saying that she doesn’t eat meat…”

“Oh, good; he’s somewhere around chapter nine,” Jenny clapped her hands together. “I estimated his arrival here around…….seven hours ago. He’s got about two hours left before the portal opens again. See, Henrietta? No worries.”

Realization hit Simon like a thunderbolt. “You’re-, you’re Henrietta Adams?”

The dragonmistress jerked her head up. “Yes?”

“I read about you,” Simon’s voice seemed to falter and then regain in strength. “I read about you in that crazy book of hers…”

“Yes…I’m Henrietta Adams. The “crazy book” that you’re referring to is an account of my life at this school.” The lady’s voice was tinted with a bit of sadness. “The Illusions is an account of my first year here, and how I fell in love with dragons. Seven years ago, I arrived here and Gaudior, my blue dragon, chose me to be his partner and rider for life.”


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Sun May 01, 2011 4:47 pm
Redfang18 wrote a review...



Keep up the business of dragons. I love dragons. Who knows? Maybe you could put me in the story sometime. You could use my avatar as the model for my dragon. I don't care if you make up the dragon's rider, but that's as long as he or she isn't over 25 or less then 16 years of age. I'm very picky about the age.




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Thu Apr 07, 2005 5:39 pm
Griffinkeeper says...



Technically speaking, Gryphon=Griffin=Griffen, they are all commonly accepted spellings of the same creature.

However, there are variations of gryphons that differ from the usual Lion-Eagle combination. Usually it is a combination of another bird of prey and feline.

Still more combinations include fox skins instead of felines.

One very common mistake is that a lion with wings is a gryphon. This is nothing more than a chimera. While gryphons are chimera in a sense, they are a special case of chimera which has actually developed into a species.




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Thu Apr 07, 2005 1:56 am



thanks for the explanation, griffinkeeper!
Just out of curiosity, what is the difference between a gryphon and a griffin?
thanks a plenty![/i]




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Wed Apr 06, 2005 2:24 am
Griffinkeeper says...



A barrel roll is real simple.

Imagine a barrel. Say you paint a white stripe along the side of this barrel. Now roll the barrel until that white strip comes around again. The Barrel would have rotated a full circle. This is a barrel roll. It is handy for showing off and doing evasive manuevers. It is also known as a corkscrew when it is done several times in succession.




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Tue Apr 05, 2005 11:37 pm



What exactly is a barrel roll and what does it look like?




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Tue Apr 05, 2005 11:36 pm



thanks griffinkeeper! I'll try my best to fix the breaks.
I loved your description of Chipper, oversized flying bus!




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Sun Apr 03, 2005 11:44 pm
Areida wrote a review...



I'm with Emma...I'll read it as soon as it is broken up. Personally I like to have a space between everything...it's not tiring on the eyes. :wink:

After arriving in the strangest land that any person with imagination can conjure up, Simon, and his new, strange friends fly on the backs of threer dragons towards Darwin’s Dragon Academy. As they turn northwest, a large, fortified building is visible in the distance. Dragons patrol the towers and parapets, winging and circling above the school like enormous bats……
“There it is,” Jenny said grandly as they neared the massive building. “Darwin’s Dragon Academy.”
“So tell me again,” Simon stammered nervously. “I’m riding on a dragon and I’m going to enter a school full of dragons?”
“Yes, and might I add that you’re not insane?!” Julie added sternly. “This is not a dream or fantasy or hallucination or anything else your logic might be trying to say. This is real; dragons are real; this world is real; and I’m real.”


Do this instead:

After arriving in the strangest land that any person with imagination can conjure up, Simon, and his new, strange friends fly on the backs of threer dragons towards Darwin’s Dragon Academy. As they turn northwest, a large, fortified building is visible in the distance. Dragons patrol the towers and parapets, winging and circling above the school like enormous bats……

“There it is,” Jenny said grandly as they neared the massive building. “Darwin’s Dragon Academy.”

“So tell me again,” Simon stammered nervously. “I’m riding on a dragon and I’m going to enter a school full of dragons?”

“Yes, and might I add that you’re not insane?!” Julie added sternly. “This is not a dream or fantasy or hallucination or anything else your logic might be trying to say. This is real; dragons are real; this world is real; and I’m real.”


Honestly, I just can't critique something with so few breaks. Drop me a line whenever you fix it and I'd be happy to come back. :)




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Sun Apr 03, 2005 11:02 pm
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



Break it up, using paragraphs. Just a quick example:

Gaudior’s playful manner annulled and his smile was replaced with a thoughtful frown. “The dragonmistress is in her office,” he declared in a tone not unlike to the tone of someone who has just relived a regrettable experience sometime in their life. “She loathes being pestered by people who intend to waste her time.”
“Don’t worry, Gaudior,” Julie assured authoritatively. “We aren’t going to waste her time.”
“Then move on to her office then!” Gaudior exclaimed, waving his paws and gesturing wildly. “I need to close the gates. We don’t want any unpleasant creatures waltzing inside here, do we?”
“I don’t know,” Jenny shrugged, her voice casually. “It depends on the way you look at it. Enemies of the dragon academy aren’t permitted but sometimes long-lost friends aren’t welcome either.” As she spoke, Simon noticed that she seemed to be directing this statement at Marli, who bashfully riveted her gaze on the ground.

“Why do we have to walk up these stairs?” Simon panted as he forced his thin legs to lever his body onto the next winding flight of stairs. He prided himself of being the thinnest boy in his private school but now that fact seemed obsolete.
“Because the office is located at the very top of this tower,” Julie replied. “You’re not tired, are you?”
“Of course not,” Simon gasped for breath. If legs could talk, his would probably be screaming, “Of course I’m tired. I’ve been walking for two hours up this damn, freakin’ tower!”


Since it is a different action, it needs a space between it.

I really wish there was some more excitement in the story. The description is fine but it doesn't always add something to the story. Have some element of the story be unpredictable. For instance, have the dragon do a barrel roll in midair to show that it is more than just an oversized flying bus. They have names and character, use it.

I feel it is is unnecessary to recap the stuff sent out in the first chapter, unless it is a distant activity.

A suggestion regarding the turret of the dragonmisteress. I know it is a requirement for the popular cliche that all important people get the highest turret, but really: two hours to get to the top?

I'd have it as a central turret that would be closer to the action, in case the dragonmistress needs to get some place NOW. Don't use the old cliche, make it more of a private apartment.

If you want though, it could be small in relation to the other turrets. It would give the phrase "castles in the sky" a new meaning.




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Sun Apr 03, 2005 8:38 pm



How do I "break this up?"
Thanks for the comment!




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Sun Apr 03, 2005 8:35 pm
Emma says...



Sorry but pleaaaase break this up,

It makes it easier for me and others to read... Thank you. :D





"There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts."
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart