Two Hearts Apart (part 1)

Hello there I'm Truth here to review!
This is a bit hard to read because there's some mistakes here and there so I'll correct as I go and explain to help you out, k?

jenmarie wrote:Foreword

I’m Zhayanne Chelzy
My life? It was not as easy as reading the alphabet with copy of what was the next letter to say, comma or jumping all around in warm days. It wasn’t easy to explain. It was not a rip-roaring spectacular ride or watching a sweet cherry blossom in a Japanese festival. For I am a stoic.

I suppose this was just the beginning for the optimists, a sad love story for the romantics, comma and heartbreak for the cynics. None of those we’re wrong nor right. For I was either not sure on how my life would be after everything happen from that day, comma five years ago. So I presume my living was mixed up.

Now, I am back in this same old house, comma where I felt the meaning of grief and sorrow of being alone; The terrible heartache I wanted to forget. In the first place, how can I enjoy this stupid vacation if I’m not enjoying my life?
How can I relax if I know he is living next to this house?

He whom I’m not sure I still learn by heart. He whom I adored once in my life. And he who put sadness and tears in my eyes. He is my friend, my love.

Now my dear, perhaps you have the idea on how this yarn goes. But remember, beginning was not the ending. And conclusions were only the outcome of the situations intact.

So maybe, just maybe. You’ll try to understand and feel the twinge I once had in my life.

Two hearts that are so close but apart.


Alright so this is present tense, so it should remain so throughout. There's no going back and forth between past and present tense so just keep in mind everything has to be present, unless the character is thinking back to a past event, then only then shall it be past tense.

Gathering

A cold night, I can feel the shivering breeze that gently blows against my cheeks. As I look at the sky, comma I can almost feel myself falling in the endless chasm. My phone is in my front -front what? pocket?- steady sitting there as if it has dead battery. My mp5 is beside me, playing sad music as I lay down. I really enjoy being like this, maybe because I got used to be alone.

I never go out these past few days, frequently I just lay down in my room and when the night comes, comma I simply watch the sky. It is very different compared to the morning sky, where you will suffer in the blistering heat or be blinded by the sun. The night sky gives me this sweet melody, the feeling of calmness and peace, those specks of glows in the darkness keeps specks are plural therefore it should be 'keep' me mystified. It’s chilling cold in here, comma but I think I’m used to the coldness for I’m cold in my very own nature.

My cousins know I exist in this old house (where we all stay as long as vacation was here) but they never see me around. I commonly stay either on the roof or in our library. I almost spend 90 percent of my vacation reading books or poems while sound tripping. But I can’t help it; I need something to keep me going, my outlet of everything that I endure. I’m doing this to relieve stress and get rid of my anger, which may be a bad habit but it's better than slashing myself into pieces. But one thing’s for sure, comma my life will be like this forever, comma burdened.

But not until one fair night. I was sitting in my favorite spot when a familiar voice came over, comma “You still love the stars huh?” At first, I thought I was being haunted or something, but after looking back I saw a guy leaning down on the porch smiling on me. He’s a neighbor I used to know, comma but had forgotten when I went to Manila. I don’t answer back, comma I just turned away and stood while looking up. Don't forget to keep it to present tense!

“Know what you’ll get cramps when you keep that posture and sure it will be painful, comma” He said with confident voice. I know he wants to piss me. Always use a comma between the tag line and the dialogue.

I don’t turn back as I reply, “I’m already used to different kinds of pain.” I replied with sarcasm on my voice.

“And please I don’t like wasting time on useless talk, comma” I arrogantly added. I’m sure he’s now pissed off, but so what? That’s what I wanted him to feel. but The next thing I know was that he shocked my spine.

“It’s me, have you forgotten? You were not like that five it's better to write out the numbers years ago. I didn't think you would change so much”. There are a lot more words that follows Again, 'words' are plural, therefore 'follow' doesn't take an s but I wasn’t able to comprehend because of what I’ve heard at the beginning. My world is suddenly filled with gloomy ode. The cold wind throws me to that lane and the pain was abruptly unsealed.

“I know it was because of me. I hurt you badly, and now the Zhy I used to know was gone.” A sad tone came from his lips. Now I remembered who he is. His mother was a close friend of my family. He became my closest friend from then and we never left each other's side until things got worse when an unforeseen feeling came in our circumscribed friendship. He is my so-called forgotten love.

Yes. Love. After five years of running from that utterance, comma I suddenly wasted a piece of my brain, comma remembering that dim-witted word I should have elapsed way back then. And now, I remember everything, every pain, every soreness and every scar I’ve potted in my veins. Now I realized the pain he caused is still in me, comma hiding with my arrogance was not a good scapegoat because the wound was still fresh and bleeding.

I'm still standing, and realized that I don’t feel anything at all. In a way, I feel as if I'm not really here, as if the whole thing was nothing but a dream. A dream that is made by loneliness and wretchedness of a baffled heart. My heart is pounding hard. I can hear its loud sound. It can’t be. Was he? No. This is all just a nightmare. He cannot be true, this cannot be true.

“J-jiezter?” At last a word comes out of my mouth. A word comes out of your mouth, not on it. I may sound stunned and anxious at the same time but really, that’s what I feel at the moment. I wanted to make sure this is really happening. The moment is a reunion of two lost hearts. Yes, maybe it is really the reunion but not of hearts it is of heartaches.

In my mind it's a little bit of the both, and no matter how I choose to view it, in the end it does not change the fact that it involves my past and feelings right now. My past, for he was my first love and my present feelings for my love for doesn’t change a bit.

I out of the blue I bear in mind this quote from a close friend years ago, comma “I’m the author of my own life, unfortunately I’m writing in pen. Mistakes I can’t erase, the only option is to start a new chapter and forget the last part.”

If I will be stubborn again, I will not think about this sudden thought but if you look closely to it. This quote was somewhat dedicated to me and my past. Now I feel odd as my mind flows with the memories I sealed to myself.

Recalling the part I once had in my life…

It's interesting, but confusing because of all the grammer and spelling errors. The beginning didn't hook me, but that might have been because of the spelling errors. It's a good piece, but definitely needs some serious editing.

haha. review the other parts

all i can say is that i love how you began the story with the foreword..overall your story was well written and not vague at any point.i love the characters in this story , and how well the dialogue was in this.the only advice i would have about this peice is to keep it going cause im loving this story.

HI! pointe here as requested. LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!

I’m Zhayanne Chelzy

My life? It was not as easy as reading the alphabet with copy of what was the next letter to say or jumping all around in warm days. It wasn’t easy to explain.

watching a sweet cherry blossom in a Japanese festival

None of those we’re wrong nor or right.

everything happened from

So I presume my living was mixed up.

He whom I’m not sure I still learn by heart.

front steady

mp5

I never haven't gone out these past few days, frequently I just lay down on inmy room and when the night comes I simply watch the sky.

or become blinded by the sun.

where we all stay as long as vacation was here

I commonlystay either on the roof or in our library

I almost spent 90 percent

Hi jen! Thanks for your post on my wall, and i'm here to review as requested. I haven't got the time to read and nitpick the whole thing, so, for now, i'll just focus on your prologue. The opening was interesting. To be honest, it didn't enthuse me to read on, nor did it encourage me not to read on. I was kind of on the fence: not really sure of what to make of it. I didn't dislike it, by any means. I think a problem for me was that you wrote in a funny tense at the beginning, out of key with the rest of the prologue. Your voice in the story is telling this in present tense, right? So why do you put ' it wasn't hard for me to explain?' ( or something like that...) in the first paragraph. Shouldn't it be "it's"?
The lines seemed a bit clumpy, too. Sometimes, too much information was crammed into one sentence and over-flowery language replaced much needed descriptive prose.
Perhaps, as well, you should explain what 'stoic' means, and perhaps tell us of the opposite (.ie, epicurian) and why she chooses to be a stoic.
For now, those are all my nitpicks. Take heart: you've done well. I'll get throught it all soon, so i'm reserving another space in advance. Happy writing, jen!
- Alia

thank you for the comments! mhua
I'm now revising my novel
thanks a lot!

Hello jenmarie,

I think this is a really interesting introduction to the topic that definitely encourages the reader to keep on reading. It is a very good place to end the chapter because everyone has started to get into the story and is wondering what exciting thing is going to happen next.

The only thing I would maybe recommend is adding a bit more description to increase the length of the writing without making it seem unrealistic. Because although this was very descriptive, in some parts it needed more exciting language to back it up and create a little more imagery. It also was a bit short and some description would help to make it longer and more interesting.

Apart from that though this was really good and I am really interested to see what you will write next. This was absolutely amazing and it used exceptionally good writing that added to the essence of the story. I will be looking out for the next chapter to this story so please pm me if I don't know it exists!

From CuteJackRussell

Hello!

First off, a quick note about formatting: It's a small thing, but going through and making sure your paragraphs are spaced out can make a big difference. As is, I can see where the breaks are supposed to be, but they are all so cramped together that we end up with a big wall of text that is very hard on the eyes. Breaking it up will make so much of a difference.

Mmm, I liked your beginning. It was pretty and deep and quick and it caught my interest. Lovely.

“I'm already used to different kinds of pain, and I can endure more than those stupid cramps”

I never expected you to undergo change drastically.

We used to be brothers

pao ..head over heels in love with my novel?? ha ha that's too much

WOW ! I love how you open your story. It caught my attention. I love this one, I enjoyed reading it ! And you are so good, I hope I can write as good as you are
I liked how you describe the situation, and your character's thoughts.
though there are some errors :

It isn’t easy to explain.

everything happen from that day five years ago.

In the first place, how can I enjoy this stupid vacation if I’m not enjoying my life?

After 5 years on running from that utterance

He whom I’m not sure I still learn by heart

those specks of glows in the darkness that keeps me mystified

which maybe a bad habit but better than slashing myself into pieces