A broken glass
I thought that she loved me,
But she only hurt me
I thought that we were friends,
But it was just the beginning of the end
I loved her with all my heart,
But it was not enough to keep us from falling apart
I would die for her,
But I was not the one that she prefer
She damaged my soul,
It was like it was burn with charcoal
When she walks in a room,
I can smell her perfume
Her love was a mystery,
Just like the class of history
There are no words to express how I feel,
And there is nothing that can help me heal
She broke my heart into pieces,
There was no tears left, to even be release
Our love was a masterpiece,
That cannot be restore, even by justice of the peace
It is such a big deal,
Due to the fact that it’s so real
Our friendship is history,
Because the gap in it is full of mystery
When we’re together in a room,
It’s like lawyers in a courtroom
From my heart and soul, she is “the” goal
That is completely out of my control
Now it’s a blur,
Overtime I see her
We can’t even restart,
She left me with a lonely heart
Our relationship was a dead end,
And the friendship of a bitter end
She destroyed me,
It was a stung by the queen bee
By: Jerry E. Laroche
Dedicated to Dawn Jacob (she)
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I'm not going to talk about the rhyming scheme because I'd absolutely have no bloody idea what I was talking about so here are my thoughts on the rest:
I like the charcoal idea, but it needed to be developed more in the poem. It's lovely, like a blackened heart. History idea? I can't say it did it for me, a very tight rhyme. It draws more attention to itself than it should. "Our love was a masterpiece" Kinda goes against the message of the poem. Isn't it about one sided love?
Good attempt, it seems very personal and your form of expression so I have to credit you for that.
It wasn't awful, just a lot of forced rhyming. I KNOW I'M CONTRADICTING MYSELF! I PROMISED I WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT RHYMING SCHEMES!
Nice imagery.
First thing, on formating, make it so it's not double spaced on lines. It makes it hard to read, and it looks wierd. Secondly, the rhyming in some places seemed forced. You might want to revise some of it, but that's your poragative.
- a little confused on what you are trying to say here. Is is It was like burning charcoal, your words seemed to get a little mixed up there.
- this should be restored and the rhyme seems forced because the above line was so short. Maybe put even by justice of the peace on its own line.
- should it be I instead of It?
those were the only mistakes I caught. Otherwise it's a good poem, nothing spectacular but it shows deeply what was felt through a break up.
Fauste
If I were to judge this on feeling alone then I'd say its magnificent. However, we're here to talk about the writing side of thing, so it wasn't that magnificent. The rhymes were forced and it was crowded with cliches, thats basically the problem with it. But if this isn't about writing as such for you, and more about getting your feelings down, theres no need to change a thing.
...or something like that.