Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Prologue- Hunger games 0.5
Why?! Why did he just say that! What about his sister? Why?
He unknowingly walked with the masked men. Their hands firm on his back. He heard his sisters cry. He couldn't look her in the face. He couldn't believe he just volunteered as tribute for the 44th hunger games. The eyes of everyone he knew stared. Stared judging him of how he could do that Alexia - the only person he would die for - his sister.
****
Earlier that day
****
Roxy teased him as usual as he walked down the hazy pathway. He hated her. He hated her so much. She was that thing that pushes people of the edge. She was the one that finally makes you blow. Except she was only interested in teasing him.
Every time she was done teasing him - he thought the next time would be less harsh because he was stronger. But every time he felt weaker. One thing he was good at was hiding his emotions and ignoring. But ignoring was never about not accepting what someone says, its about not letting people know your feelings towards what they said.
He continued down the pathway to find the park where he found sanctuary. No matter how many times Alexia asked him where he went, he would never tell her. Besides she liked talking to our mute and deaf guardian. Alexia was twelve, three years younger than him.Today would be her first reaping.
****
She looked beautiful. She wore a pink fluorescent dress. But this wasn't a happy occasion, this was almost a funeral.
****
After Alexia shrieked when they took her blood sample, I ushered her with her friends. That was one qualities she had that i didn't - making friends. He remembered the day 2 years ago- his first reaping and the day his parents died. He thought it was all over when he wasn't picked out of the bowl full of names, guess he was wrong.
Everyone quietened down as the speech began. The yearly speech about the dark days. I mustered all the confidence I could and looked at my sister, she nodded in response.
After the speech was over Miss Trinket said "Ladies first." She wore a ridiculous purple outfit and smiled almost revoltingly. She reached far deep into the bowl and took out a slip. She read out "Alexia." Everything else stopped making sound as tears welled down his eyes. I couldn't protect her, I was male, I couldn't volunteer.
But then there was a shout "Wait,wait i volunteer as tribute."
My eyes frantically searched the crowd. Roxy awkwardly put her hand up. I stared incredibly as she walked to the stage - her family shouting. But before I knew it Miss Trinket said "Now the gents."
I was the only boy there smiling, relieved until i heard the name- "Axel." Axel- Roxy's little brother. Without second thought I shot my hand up" I..I volunteer as tribute."
I walked down the hallway- my sisters screams making me realize what I have done. But i couldn't reverse it now.
Then Miss Trinket zealously beamed "These are your 2 tributes Roxy Prior and Eric Everdeen- The Two Volunteers."
Oh god I was going to the 44th hunger games.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi, I am Celticmusicgirl, and I will be giving you a review today.
Ok, so to start off I saw that this was a hunger games fanfic and I thought "yay! Finally!" Now for the review. My review will focus mainly on spelling, grammar, sentence structure, etc. Let us begin.
First, you said: "He heard his sisters cry." if there is only one sister you need an apostrophe before the "s" at the end. However, if there are 2 or more sisters then this is fine. I simply was not sure if there was only one sister or more than 1. My understanding is that the main character has 1 sister.
Second, you said "She was that thing that pushes people of the edge." I think that you meant to say "off the edge" but accidentally put "of the edge". Just a simple mistype. Easy to do, easy to fix.
Also in this paragraph, you said "Except she was only interested in teasing him." I do not understand. You were just talking about how he hated her teasing him all the time and how annoying it was. This last sentence makes it sound like there is something else going on.
Next, you said "But every time he felt weaker." You should as a rule never start a sentence with a conjunction (And, but, or). There are exceptions such as when someone is speaking it is acceptable to start a sentence with a conjunction when they are speaking.
Next, you said "She looked beautiful. She wore a pink fluorescent dress." These two sentences can be combined into one. you could say "she looked beautiful in her pink fluorescent dress." Also, I would like to see more description. What color is her hair? Is it long and how is it styled for the reaping? Is her dress fitted or loose? Is it long or short? This is something that applies to the whole story. I want to know what everyone looks like. Describe some of the feelings a bit more. Instead of saying "he is angry" you could say "he felt his face grow hot and his fists clench rage." or something along those lines.
Next, you said "But this wasn't a happy occasion, this was almost a funeral." I have already mentioned the starting a sentence with "but" so i am not going to keep bringing that up. However, I really like this sentence. It is fitting for the story since it is the hunger games. Good job with this sentence.
Next, you said "After Alexia shrieked when they took her blood sample, I ushered her with her friends." I think the second part of the sentence needs a bit of adjusting. Maybe say "I ushered her over to where her friends were."
Also in this paragraph, you accidentally forgot to capitalize the pronoun "I" in one sentence. Common mistake not a big deal just something to watch out for. If it happens it is easy to fix.
Another thing in this paragraph, you said "He remembered the day 2 years ago- his first reaping and the day his parents died." The latter part of this sentence confuses me a bit. I would like to know a bit more about how/why his parents died. Also, the sentence after it seems a bit out of place. I think if you simply moved it to another spot in the story it would be fine.
Next, you said "She read out "Alexia."" Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't she read the first and last name and not just the first name? Also in this paragraph, you said "Everything else stopped making sound as tears welled down his eyes." I think you meant to say "welled up in his eyes." You probably also meant to say that they rolled down his cheeks or something like that. You probably just go a little ahead of yourself when you were typing. It happens to me all the time. I get so involved in how things are playing out in my mind that i accidentally leave out details or like you did, mix them up.
Ok, I'm done picking over your piece. Overall, I really like the idea. Just maybe add a bit more description here and there. Otherwise, you are ok. Just watch minor details like don't start a sentence with a conjunction unless it is someone speaking.
Great job otherwise. I want to read more whenever you post it.
This is a piece which is definitely going somewhere.
Hey, Will here for a review.
As for the story - I liked it. It was interesting to see how you took the concept of the Hunger Games and applied it to brand new characters and a whole new world. I'll start off like any of my reviews - why I liked it, why I didn't, and then probably a long summary of the whole thing.
Beware. This review does get harsh at some points.
I like the Hunger Games, so when I saw this in Fanfiction I decided to click on it and check it out. One thing I liked was your second paragraph.
This part was one of my favourite bits. It had emotion. He was surprised, scared, and worried, all at the same time. It showed his love for his sister. But then in the next paragraph, it showed him being teased by his sister. That just made it so much more...more...emotional, I guess. I liked it.
Now onto the other bit of the review.
This story felt rushed. Like it was a very first draft or the outline of the story. Saying that it is the final thing is hard to swallow. Everything was so fast paced - too fast paced. It's sort of like you had a chapter one, but your word limit was 600 words, so you chopped up the sentences.
I know you're new to YWS, but the whole thing is centered. You may want to fix that up
The repetition of the word 'why' doesn't match this sentence, as it's not in first person. Maybe you should just move it to somewhere else in the story, and make the second paragraph, the first paragraph.
Do you think 'unknowingly' fits here? I mean, he is totally aware that he is being led by the men. If you meant that he was unknowing to where he was going, then you should rephrase it.
He
unknowinglywalked with the masked men, unknowing to where he was being taken.So if he's being pushed to where he's going, change the previous sentence to something like:
He was led by the masked men, their hands placed firmly on his back, leading him into the unknown.
Sister's - plural. Also, would 'look in the eye' be better? So it would be:
He heard his sisters cry. He couldn't look
herthem in thefaceface.Now, in this whole paragraph, let's see how many times the words 'he' and 'his' appears.
He unknowingly walked with the masked men. Their hands firm on his back. He heard his sisters cry. He couldn't look her in the face. He couldn't believe he just volunteered as tribute for the 44th hunger games. The eyes of everyone he knew stared. Stared judging his of how he could do that Alexia - the only person he would die for - his sister.
The word 'he' comes up 8 times. 8 times in a total of 64 words. 1/8th of this paragraph is the word 'he.' Screw 'his.' Just fix up 'he.' How? Just combine sentences. Make more compound or complex sentences. It'll fix everything.
I mean, as far as I know, everyone stares. I think I know what you mean.
The eyes of everyone he knew stared at him.
And reading the next sentence - combine them!
The eyes of everyone he knew stared at him
. Stared,judging him of how he could do that to Alexia.Okay, so obviously he does something to Alexia, who is his sister...? This is very confusing, and would be better written like:
The eyes of everyone he knew stared at him, judging him of how he could do that to Alexia. She was the only person he would die for - his sister.
Still, it's confusing. He has more than one sister - does he hate one but would die for another?
Since you put a break in your work...I put one in mine
Roxy teased him
aslike usual, as he walked...She was that
thingperson that pushes people off the edge.The word 'teasing' in this sentence is quite unnecessary.
...only interested in
teasinghim.Maybe you should add some sort of an example of how Roxy (who I'm guessing is his other sister) teased him. A line of dialogue in this text wouldn't be bad right now.
Every time she was done teasing him,
-he thought the next time would be...Ignoring what? Sheep?
...was hiding his emotions and ignoring people.
After this paragraph, if you added the dialogue up above, you could add Eric's reply to her.
Is Roxy still with him? If she is, write something like this:
He continued down the pathway to find the park where he found sanctuary, Roxy by his side.
If she isn't - wait, why isn't she there? Did she just wander off?
But he would tell Roxy...? Also, this seems a little cliche, with the whole 'safe place' thing. It's like in every TV show!
What the...where did that come from? Who's 'she'? Alexia? And why 'besides'? And who's 'mute and deaf'? Whhhhhhaaaaaat?
Besides, she liked talking to our mute and deaf guardian.
...younger than him. Today would be...
Why is this all about Alexia? Also, I've learned that you should never, EVER, use asterisks like that. EVER.
Over-protective brother much. She's 12. 12. She knows where her friends are. Put yourself in your character's shoes. Wouldn't you be annoyed with your brother following you everywhere? If so, write it!
...blood sample, I ushered her with her friends.
"Eric! What are you doing? You don't need to follow me around everywhere I go, okay?"
That was one of the qualities she had that I didn't - making friends.
ALERT! ALERT! We kinda have a problem here. Perspective change.
I. I. I. Was this on purpose, or was it a mistake? Try to keep it the same perspective. It helps.
Whaaat? His parents died on the day of the reaping, because he wasn't picked out of the bowl of names?! Make it more clear. What happened that day? Explain! EXPLAAAAIN! Because you kind of leave it hanging there, as the next paragraphs are about the current reaping.
Another ALERT! You also change perspectives here. Oh, and you might want to split that into two sentences.
I mustered all the confidence I could and looked at my sister
, s. She nodded in response.After the speech was over, Miss Trinket said, "Ladies first."
Just letting you know - you can't 'almost' smile revoltingly. It's either revolting, or not.
She read out, "Alexia."
Come on...you can make this way more emotional. One line of emotion. Only. Really? Come on, his sister is going to the Hunger Games! You could add a whole paragraph of emotion in this bit.
P.S. ALERT! ALERT! Perspective change!
But then there was a shout. "Wait, wait, I volunteer as tribute."
So Roxy isn't his second sister? And again, alert, alert, perspective change!
Why is he smiling? Relieved? Why? Oh, right, because his sister wasn't going to the games. Right. Hmm...nake it more obvious. Try something like:
I stared incredibly as she walked to the stage - her family shouting.
But before I knew it Miss Trinket said "Now the gents."I was the only boy there smiling. I was relieved - my sister wasn't going to the Games. And it was all thanks to Roxy. The girl who had always annoyed me. Who had always picked on me. I mouthed a 'that you,' but before I knew it, Miss Trinket said, "Now the gents." I was too happy to notice anything around me."Axel." The smile was wiped off my face. Roxy's little brother. Without second thought I shot my hand up.
"I...I volunteer as tribute." I walked down the hallway, my sisters screaming in the background. I realised what I had done, but I couldn't reverse it now.
Now, in all of that, I realised a few things. Axel is 'Roxy's' little brother, so that means that they aren't siblings.
Secondly, writing it in first person is so much easier! Why didn't you write it like that from the start? It's so much more intense!
So they're definitely not siblings
Then Miss Trinket zealously
beamedspoke through the microphone, "These are your 2 tributes: Roxy Prior and Eric Everdeen. TheTtwoVvolunteers!"Oh God, I was going to the 44th Hunger Games.
I really enjoyed writing this review as it was such a wonderful piece. Keep on writing - you're a brilliant writer. Next time, just try to proofread once or twice more. And spent a little more time on the story. Never rush a story - it's not worth it.
Anyways, hope you liked this review!
-willachilles
Hey! ChocolateCello here for a review! (Happy Review Day!)
First off, I would like to let you know I haven't written any reviews recently and I just got back from a fourteen hour car ride so I would like to apologize if my review isn't the best.
I loved the story and I hope to see more of what happens to the characters in another work, (If you haven't already posted one, I haven't gotten the chance to check).
You did have a bit of a struggle with the perspective though.
"Roxy teased him" "He hated her"
These are both from the authors point of view. (Sorry, I'm bad with the names of the perspectives)
"that i didn't" (Capitalize that "I") "I was going"
This is first person.
Now, you did have a separation between the two different views, so if you wanted to argue that it was okay to change, you could, but I would suggest keeping it consistent.
Another thing, more minor, is your use of punctuation in the first line. "Why?! Why did he just say that!" Sure, this works, but I never think that '!?' should be used. It looks more 'professional' or 'proper' to use a single punctuation mark, in this case '?'.
I hope this helps and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!
-ChocolateCello
Thank you so much! This helped out.
Alright, here we go. There are some grammar errors, which makes it harder to read. I don't think "Oh god." is necessary, because, I don't think they had any belief of god in Panem.
This is kind of just, fast pacing, and it's not really that great of a fan fiction. I realize you must be young, because of the writing, and it's just, not that good to be completely honest, you could have described more, you could have developed the characters a bit, it just isn't a good fanfic to be completely honest.
Thanks for the review. This is just the prologue so yeah. Also i think oh god was just a common term- not necessarily referring to anything.