As the cool breeze passed by, Jengo smiled. Ahhh he thought. Not too cold, not too warm; just perfect…perfect for him. Everyone else felt the need to like extremities; to avoid being normal. They thought that that was the meaning of embracing yourself. Yet Jengo saw a different meaning. Embracing yourself meant doing whatever you wanted to or liked to do with no one else affecting your opinion.
Jengo did this a lot; thought about life in a simple yet extraordinary manner. After a while Jengo sat down on the sand observing the scenery. The constant ocean thrashing onto itself. Blue as the waves came in and clear as the water receded. The sun, laying on top of the ocean sank, brightening someone else’s world. The clouds in the sky dimmed as the moon took on his nightshift. Jengo sat there as the time just swayed by.
Jengo looked down at is watch. The glint of it showed him his reflection. A boy with skinny jeans and a slightly large, white T-shirt. He looked at the time. It was 5:30. Jengo didn’t know that the sun would stay up this late. Maybe something was wrong… A slight pang of excitement and worry hit him. He just ignored his feelings though. He always wanted something different to happen, something where he wouldn’t have to go through another tedious day. But it never did…
Jengo’s life was normal, in fact, it was good. He had a loving family, great friends and altogether an awesome life. But close to his heart he had the burning desire for adventure. But not like your typical storybook hero adventure, just rather a desire to have an opportunity to do a once in a lifetime thing, something he wouldn’t forget. If anything, that was the top of his bucket list.
He looked back at his watch, quarter to 6. But then he noticed something odd- the sun hadn’t moved at all. Now that he thought about it, since the moment he came, it haven’t moved. He felt it again- the thirst for something odd to happen but this time he didn’t knock it down. He reached for his phone out of his pocket (struggling slightly with the skinny jeans) and dialled his cousin Sita’s number.
Out came the familiar high pitched voice “Hello….who is this?”
“Hey Sita it’s me.”
“Me who?” she said in a voice now annoyed.
“It’s Jengo, but what’s wrong, why do you sound angry?”
“Jengo it’s four in the morning! Oh right guess you wouldn’t know that now that you’re Californian.”
“Okay just do me a favour and look out the window.”
“Wait why……..Jengo the sun is already out here, it normally comes out at seven o’ clock because of the monsoon season.”
Jengo heard a beeping sound, he looked at his phone and saw that she had disconnected.
Slightly frustrated he concentrated on the sun. The thing was, he could look directly into it no problem. After a few minutes of staring he saw the centre of the sun, well of the 2 Dimensional way he could see the sun anyway.
He saw a grey pulse, darkening gradually. He stood there flabbergasted. In a few moment the greyness widened. Soon the entire sun was black.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hiya! Nata here for a quick review
First thing I noticed was the name 'Jengo'. I personally don't like it when writers choose really out of the box names for their characters. I feel like I kind of stagger on their name while reading, but you somehow made it work and flow smoothly!
I really enjoyed the way you described the setting in the second paragraph. It created a really pretty image in my head and sorta gave off the vibe as 'the calm before the storm' - the "storm" being the Sun going black. Your scenes weren't rushed and the detail made the story more in depth and enjoyable, although I'd recommend incorporating all senses when describing a scene. Perhaps talk about the scent of salt from the ocean and what the sounds of the waves crashing remind him of.
This is just a personal thing but this part of your story particularly bugged me:
[quote] Jengo looked down at is watch. The glint of it showed him his reflection. A boy with skinny jeans and a slightly large, white T-shirt. [quote]
How exactly does one see their entire reflection in the glint of a watch face? Maybe if he saw his reflection in the water it would make a bit more sense.
I liked how the dialogue was short and realistic, which kept in theme with the short sentences you used throughout your story. Your characters seemed pretty down to Earth and didn't have any unlikable qualities from what we've seen so far.
Anywayy, awesome piece! It was super fun to read and had unique vibes to it. Well, that's all I have to say! Have a good day!
Thank you so much for review. All of what you said is noted. Thank you once again!
Wow, this was an amazing piece.
Hey, Will here.
I really liked this piece. It had all I look for in a book.
A book should always have a title which catches the reader's attention, and this one completely did. It sounded vague and mysterious. So thumbs up for that!
I don't want to read paragraphs and paragraphs. And you kept it short and simple. Exactly what I look for.
A book which doesn't describe the scene is a book without emotion.
Sometimes, dialogue can get boring. Especially if you have too much of it.
Ok, now onto the other bit of the review. This review was particularly nit-picky. So sorry for that.
Firstly, I love the name Jengo. Unique. Sounds nice. Not too complicated.
I personally don't like it when writers put 'he thought' after italics. Italics is recognised as thought automatically. No need to write 'he thought' after it.
Even if you wanted to put the latter on, put a comma after 'Ahhh.'
Ahhh
he thought.or
Ahhh, he thought.
Double 'that.'
...thought
thatthat was...Do you need the proper noun here? You could simply say 'he.' It'll get too repetitious if you continue repeatedly saying his name.
[i]
JengoHe did this a lot;See what I mean with the repeated 'Jengo's'? If you don't change the one I just quoted, and keep it like this, it sort of gets repetitive. Also, there needs to be a comma after 'while.'
After a while, Jengo sat down...
This was brilliant. Brilliant I say! Just fix up what @Prakash said, and it'll be all good.
This might be kind of unrealistic. Your watch is usually on your wrist, and saying that from a glance he could see his skinny jeans...You see where I'm going with this?
Is he depressed? As in, he doesn't want to go through another day sort of thing...
Right, that clears things up
For the first sentence, I was thinking that it would be better if you split it into two sentences.
Jengo's life was normal
,. In fact, it was good.A bit of foreshadowing, huh?
If this was in modern age, in Earth, this probably wouldn't happen. If his first person to call is Sita, then Sita would already have his number. Keep it realistic.
"Jengo, it's four in the morning!..."
"Okay, just do me a..."
A couple of things about this dialogue. Firstly, let me fix up the grammatical errors.
“Wait why…
…..Jengo, the sun is already out here,.iIt normally comes out at seven o’clock because of the monsoon season.”Never have more than 3 ellipses at once. It's unnecessary. I added some commas and split the sentences out. For some reason, in dramatic stories, it's not good to use complex sentences. It ruins the whole flow, I guess.
Now for the other thing I have against this speech. How in the constellation of Kasterberous does Sita know that he is talking about the sun?
Just because she's his cousin, doesn't mean they have telepathy. This bugs me. And I don't know why. I think you should fix that up.
Slightly frustrated, he concentrated on the sun.
Do you really need this sentence? It seems kind of unnecessary at this point.
The thing was, he could look directly into it no problem.After a few minutes of staring, he saw the centre of the sun
,- well,ofthe2twoDdimensional way he could seethe sunit anyway.- he saw a grey pulse, darkening gradually. He stood there flabbergasted. In a few moment the greyness widened.Soon the entire sun was black.
Wow. What an ending.
Lovely.
Spectacular.
Fabulous.
MOAR!
Pweese? Another chapter of this wonderful text?
A short summary:
Loved this story so much. It was much better than your Hunger Games fan-fic that I reviewed, in the case of grammar, and the depth of the story. You're learning at lightning speed!
I would love another chapter. One suggestion is to include the media. Like the Doctor Who season 4 finale. Yeah. Exactly like that.
And that's it! I hope you enjoyed my review as much as I enjoyed writing it!
I'll be waiting for more...
-willachilles
Thank you so much.
The numbers that I put below are ined to each of your corrections on my quote, you will otice I have skipped some of them because those things I completely understand
1-I didn%u2019t really know how to use thought so thanks.
2-the double %u2018that%u2019 was actually on purpose, when I read it to myself a couple of times I thought it was best fitted to it. Do you know when authors put double the%u2019s and stuff?
3-yeah I have a bit of an issue with when to change with the name and the pro-noun
5- yeah I understand but I needed a way to show the reader his clothes-I was tossing up whether I should make him see his reflection in the sea but decided not to.
9-Yeh I see where your coming from but to be fair it was 4 in the morning for her
11- cool thanks
12- yeah %u2013 I didn%u2019t realise that thanks
13- no, I mean I guess its foreshadowing something unnatural
Thanks for the review. It helped a lot. I hope I answered some of your queries
-jegde1479
Thanks for the response. I now see where you were coming from as well!
-willa
I think this was extremely interesting and its normally very hard to catch my attention in a book but you did so Good Job! Keep writing this!
Omg thanks, you made y da
my*
Hi,
I am here to review for you. Welcome you to YWS!
The sun is blackening out! The idea is not new but I can see some potential in your writing. First of all, describe the setting where the main character was. You had described about the scenery on sea. But nowhere you mentioned Jengo was in beach. And I had some questions: Is he alone on beach? If not, What is the reaction of others when the sun blacken out? No answers found.
Make the readers engross in your story by your vivid descriptions. That would help them for better imaginations.
Some nitpicks:
'extremities' means 'An external body part that projects from the body'
Comma comes after an introductary phrase.
The ocean was constantly thrashing onto itself
The punctuation you made here is incorrect. The sun seated on the top of the ocean at the horizon ('at the horizon' is important. It shows where on the top of ocean) sank, brightening someone else's world.
I like this imagery 'brightening someone else's world'
The glint of it showed him his reflection on its quartz.
The time is just 5.30. What's there to call it as late? The sun sets normally after six. If the plot is on some fantasy world, you should mention it before.
Haha! I too have dreamt or desired for something adventurous to happen. But that dream day would be more difficult to go through than other normal days.
Punctuation missed after 'hey' and ' Oh right'
By the name of your cousin 'Sita' I could guess she is an Indian, But that doesn't mean she is in India right now. You should mention where she is?
Rephrase this line as:
He got slightly frustrated over disconnecting. Then add some sentence what made him to concentrate on the sun
Thanks for the read. I hope this review helps you. Keep writing
Thanks for the review. Helped alot. Will make changes
*a lot
Hey there! I couldn't stop noticing that you have started three paragraphs continuously with the protagonist's name. There is nothing wrong with,but it would be more enjoyable if you changed the style a bit.The thing is you have made three different paragraphs just to describe Jengo. A little editing will make your story even better as the plot is leading somewhere interesting- the sun has turned black!
Looking forward to read the rest of the story.Keep writing!
Thanks. this helped