Published December 13, 2010
She woke up; she didn’t know where she was, or who she was for that matter. All she knew was her skin burned all over. She looked down at her body, she was naked and she had little red acupuncture dots all over her body. She was lying down flat on a metal operating table the room she was in was white, which made it easier to see the people in the yellow biohazard suits. They were running around like chickens with their heads cut off, yelling thing like “she woke up, get him” or “what is he going to say”. She tried to sit up but there was straps keeping her down. And when aver she moved they got a little more agitated they kept checking the monitors she was hooked up to. Then a man walked in the, he must have been the one they were all talking about because he scared her. He was carrying a silver suitcase and when he opened it she say it was a tranquilizer kit. He took it out and injected it into her arm it hurt but after awhile she was floating and nothing really mattered anymore
I woke up (again). but this time I was in one of thase childrens rooms ata hospital. i was wearing orange pajamas that were so bright they hurt my eyes they were itchy and rough too I really did't like them . I let my eyes scan the rest of the room. there was a beanbag chair some kids toys. And in the very far corner ther was a man and I recognized him fron the first time i woker up he was the man with the tranquilizer. "hi blair I'm Dr. michael " he said. he had a british accent and he talked to me like I was a 2 year old (not very fond of that ) " where amI " I asked doing every thiing i could to kep from jumpig at him and ripping his throat out because for some reasonI hated this guy.
hope y'alll like it !
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140,994 Literary Works • 673,802 Reviews
Hey there!
This was a pretty gripping storyline. I clicked on it because of it's title.
I liked it, but I was too caught up in some of the mistakes to actually pay attention... I'm not sure if this is just me. It could be.
The main thing was the lack of commas.... But, they've already been pointed out. Also, it would make more sense if you stuck to one narrative style. Switching from 3rd person to 1st is a little... odd.
Other than that, I thought it was really good. The ending left me wondering what happens next!
-UCntCMee
This is OK. You had a few mistakes. I have a question, stories normally don't say 'She did this, She, she, she. Introduce her name, her looks, etc. Change the shes to I's. To me, it seemed like you were just saying She did this, she was scared, he came it, etc. It feels like a big mess. I'm sure when you edit it, change the she's and make it a bit more descriptive, you'll have a good piece. Please do not get angry by my comment, as I am just trying to help. If you need any more help in the future, please let me know. Happy Writings & Good Luck!
Wow! I really liked it, my eyes didn't move off the text once! I was really gripped and wanted to hear more but alas, it ended too suddenly! I guess I'll have to wait... D:
Spelling/Grammar mistakes in red, editted in blue, suggestion/note in bold print.
Very well written, I could clearly see the scene in my head. I REALLY wish there was more to read. If this was the opening to a book, I'd definately pick it off the shelf and buy it. Just remember to reread and edit your writing. XD
Good luck,
- Error404
haha okay i meant diherea of the mind not just plain diherea