I honestly dont know what the subject is i just have mind diherea (didnat spel that correct) and it comes out like this
All Alice could think about was death, or at least wanting to be dead. Dead like her best friend with lacerations on her arms, legs and face so bad that she could not even have an open casket. They found her by the mines. They lived next to mines and they were closer than sisters, but know riley was dead and nobody knew how.
Chapter 1
IT was three days after the funeral. Alice sat on the counter drinking peach juice. Riley’s least favorite juice. Thinking it would get her mind off things, but it didn’t. All it did was make her think about how they ate lunch together and riley would crinkle her nose as Alice took a big swig of peach juice.
ALICE was small for her age short and skinny with long strait brunette hair and Riley had been the exact opposite. She had short blonde hair that was frizzy. And instead of being short she was a long and lanky with long arms and legs. They both had the same eyes, purple blue.
“I’M going to the mines,” Alice yelled to her father “stay away from Riley’s mine” he yelled back. Riley’s
Mine is what they called the mine Riley had died next to. It was also next to a hideout they had when they were young. Alice didn’t answer because that’s were she was headed
ONCE she got there she looked for any unnatural clues or foot prints that would lead her to Riley’s murderer after 2 hours of searching she finally went back home that night after dinner Alice set up her sleeping bag and slept on the porch. It was summer and it was warm so she spent most of her nights on the deck. And every night since Riley’s death she went out there and cried herself to sleep.
TODAY Alice was going to explore the mine itself and see what she could find she packed her backpack with water, energy bars, a flash light, and an emergency blanket. In the morning she got up extra early got up extra early to avoid her father.
SHE ran the length of their road. When she was far enough away from the house she stopped running. Then she broke into a light jog so that she could enjoy the morning with the sunrise as beautiful as ever.
WHEN she reached the mines Alice ran to the one with the spray-painted peace sign. She pulled off the plywood they boarded it up with and she walked in and the first thing she noticed was the smell. It smelled of feta cheese and gym socks she wanted to leave but she was determined to find out what killed riley.
What do y'all think? 
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....well, this is a bit of a rushed opening here, there's a lot of stuff going on here as far as a chapter one is concerned, but you really don't do those moments justice with the pace that you've gone for here. Everything seems to really just rush past with this emotional moment of someone suffering from the death of a loved totally cut off by a sudden stop to do a full description, which makes for a clunky pace even if this wasn't an emotional moment there, but especially so in this case. Then the sudden decision to leave comes, and that is maybe the best part of this opening, but even then, it is a little out of the blue here.
Hmm...this seems like wayy to much stuff to be happening in just the first chapter. We learn about Riley being murdered and her father not wanting her to go there, and also on top of all of that, this one rooting around the place looking for clues and turning up empty handed, all in like three paragraphs when it should at the very least be fleshed out into two chapters here. I feel like this was far too rushed here and we barely get to even see emotions there besides the mention of tears...which is...well, just a mention.
Hmm...the ending is definitely the best part of this piece here...this is best paced bit that we've got so far. Its still a little on the faster side, but this time it makes more sense for things to be on the faster side and that's great to see here. It makes for a nice little ending point to the first chapter, one that does make you want to read more here.
So overall, as a first chapter, this has a lot of potential, the ideas being thrown around are pretty interesting and I'd certainly want to know more about what's going on.....but I feel like you need to do a bit of an overhaul in terms of pacing in the first parts of this piece.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
thanks for the review thanks a ton that really helps me
Hmm... interesting.
Well, I liked how you opened it, and I liked the general tone of the story, and how you described Alice and Riley... that was all good.
But, it did move a bit fast. From the point where Alice leaves her house I start to lose track of what happens.
This is from the opening, and it gave me, a not so lovely, but really fantastic image of a teenage girl's horribly scarred dead body vanishing from sight as the lid to a coffin is closed over it...
...they call it Riley's Mine? Really? I'm sorry, it just seems to me if the girl lost her best friend her family would try hard not to mention her friend's name. If some weird old man none of them really knew had died by the mine, then, well, that might make more sense, but to me it seemed pretty weird when her dad said that.
That's the last sentance, and it must be good writing because I know the smell your talking about, and although it kind of grosses me out I could see from Alice's eyes for a moment (and, moreover so, smell from her nose), so... yeah, that's great.
I'd say of those three options it would probably be a
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TabbyGirl