z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Half-Animal 4-6

by jedd


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

4

A freezing splash of water bit into me before I could fall asleep. I really needed some sleep. Another hard slap followed, a felt the sting on my cheeks and the jerk of my head. I felt the vigorous rocking of the van as it moved through the icy tundra. Finding Donnie.

  "What's your name, boy?" Another man commanded.

  I glared at him. Like I'm going to tell you. Damn you.

  The man lighted his taser.

  "Evan Slates," I said.

  The man returned the glare. He saw the hopelessness in my face and laughed. "You aren't getting out, pretty boy."

  "What do you want from me?"

  He became serious, but with a grin. "You know too much."

  I did. But let me go, please. "Okay, I will not say a single word about it, please let me go," I pleaded.

  The man eyed me top to bottom, laughed again. A mocking laugh. "The Institute takes no chances, boy."

  Just out f curiosity, "Then why don't you just shoot me."

  A grin brightened up on his face, his hand went to his gun, clicked it. "Well, don't mind if I do!"

  What? No, I didn't mean-

  The gun pointed to my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, and anticipated it. The gunshot came as a loud, heavy bang.

  Then I heard the man laugh. "I'd do it, but the Institute needs people. Young teens like you serve just fine."

  Was I going to be turned into an animal too? The confirmation dawned and the anxiety struck like a wave, its claws flooding my chest. No. No!

  The locks were tight. I tried to escape, but ended up in frantic writhing and squirming, but I had to escape. Shit, the front page news is going to say a boy gone missing in the woods. Hell no.

  Shouts suddenly blared. "There! There it is!"

  They found Donnie.

  The van swerved. I was flung onto the dirty hard floor, and now we were on a wild chase. I wonder what they saw.

  "Go, go, go!" It shook so much it felt like we were riding a sledgehammer. My head smacked into the van floor. "Corner it, corner it!" The van was making hard, drastic turns and swivels. I stuck to the side of the wall and simultaneously was flung to the other wall. I'd get a concussion if I didn't get up.

  "We've got her! We've got her!"

  Oh no. Then out of the pockets of a soldier I saw it. Explosives they used to demolish my front door. We hit some rocks the van vibrated tremendously. I arched myself up and wiggled to him, outstretched my arms and missed. I didn't know what I would actually do with it, though. It was out of reach, my legs were fighting the upwards tilt and hands stretched till the max. The soldiers were glued to the windscreen, which I had a split second chance to see Donnie running on all fours. She was fast, jumping from tree to tree, hoping to lose us.

  The trees shaded the road we were heading into. Miraculously we bumped o a rock and the jolt propelled me forward. I grabbed the explosives, a classic C4.

  I didn't know how to use explosives. It was dark, I prayed the soldiers wouldn't see me nevertheless. There's the timer, the wires. My fingers were still free, and maybe I should cut a wire? Cut which wire?

  No, don't cut any wires! I wasn't going to blow up with them.

  The van came to a sudden halt. "Go, go, go!" The soldiers scattered out of the van, guns that shot nets raised and senses alert. It was dark, in lots of shade. As many as 30 soldiers spread out on a little stream.

  For a second there was unexpected silence. The birds chirped and leaves rustled. The sun was peeking over the mountains.

  I took out the C4 that I was hiding. I know shit's about to get real. My wrists were cuffed, but hands free, and could only resort to nibbling the wire. I nibbled one end of it and looped it to a bolt on the wheel, another end I looped it to the van, tinkering the explosion force to the maximum. But with a turn the first thing I saw was a fist.

  It hit me square in the face. I felt myself in the air, my jaw numb. I landed with air knocked out of me, one of the men standing tall in front of me. "Stay down, when I tell you t-"

  I hadn't recovered enough to see any detail, just a white mass ramming the man that just hit me. Then snarls and the sounds of screaming echoed through the woods.

  Wolves launched themselves in all directions from where previously we saw nothing. A few got shot with nets, but the others were fast. The man that just hit me had a full jaw of teeth mauling him, he tried to fend it off but 2 more canines lunged at him.

  And there was Donnie, biting at my cuffs. Another wolf fractured the chains with a single bite, then went to join the frenzy.

  I looked at Donnie. Cuts and bruises all over. We held eye contact for a moment, her eyes shining a playful you're welcome! I wanted it to last longer but reluctantly broke it. I had a job to do. She did too, getting the net guns of the deceased soldiers and started shooting.

  First things first, the guns. I got all of them out of the van and into the river they went. I kept a pistol just in case.

  The trucks and vans were my target. 3 of them. With a rifle I salvaged from inside the truck I hammered the engine whatever it was there. The vehicles' hoods came off relatively easily, exposing the goods within, ready to be put some holes in. Pipes, nozzles, whatever.

  Up ahead came those fearsome snarls and sounds of bone cracking as well as screams and blood spraying in a fine mist.

  The soldiers were losing. Those clever wolves had awesome teamwork. One of the men reloaded and shot a wolf, the net swirling around it and impaling it, but from the back another ambushed with prying jaws crushing behind the man's neck. He fell, head in an unnatural position.

  And then there was it. Sir called, his goddamn voice saying the sweetest words: "Damn this! Fall back!"

  The remaining soldiers sprinted towards the vans, canine beasts chasing behind them. They leaped up to the truck, but 2 of them had their arms suddenly hooked by jaws, screaming as both were dragged down to meat jaws drilling into them.

  "Go go go," the lucky survivors shouted, but the truck didn't start. One of the trucks' engines coughed a violent fit while the other couldn't even spark. None moved an inch. Courtesy of yours truly.

  The wolves were lunging onto the truck. The pack was so quick and agile I could only see a blur of grey and white and black and a distinct red splattering everywhere. Now only the lucky few who were lucky enough dashed towards the van.

  But suddenly a goddamn face appeared from the van. Sir held an automatic rifle. I must've missed it. That was when a rain of bullets and bloodshed started.

  The wolves were not fast enough. The gun was firing 3 times a second. Out came the sounds of whimpering and wolf-cries. "That's right! Run, you shitty dogs!" The last few soldiers scurried into the safety of the van, with Sir shouting "Get your damn hineys in there! Start the van! Go go!"

  I gestured toward Donnie to fall back. A howl echoed around, Donnie's, and the wolves obeyed.

  The last soldier got in. Sir shot his last few shots just for intimidation and when he got in, I laughed. He tripped on the C4, and his eyes met the tightening wire tied to the starting-to-turn wheel. That face of surprise was priceless. "Wait, sto-"

  The explosion erupted a fireball. I felt the second shock-wave of the day, the pressure knocked me backward but no ringing. It was well a second of reverberation before the mayhem finally died down. The gentle bird songs and rustle of leaves could be heard once again.

  Bodies lay all over the icy terrain, shadows cast by trees shadowed the pools of red all over.

  7 wolves died altogether. I gave a moment for Donnie to weep. The other wolves comforted her.

  And for the first time, I felt like the outsider. Not the animals, not the half-animal. I felt like the outsider.

  I wonder what IRAT stands for. But they will be hunting us.

  And for the first time in lots of years I got a hug. I embraced her. Donnie, with tears still in her eyes.

  And for the first time I missed work.

5

  The hug was sent flares through me. When she finally let go I wanted it to last just a little longer.

  Donnie went down on all fours again, and leaped up to ride a wolf. She scrubbed its neck and made soft noises. She was communicating with the wolf.

  "Where to, now?" I asked.

  Donnie looked at me. I looked at her.

  "Ware ku, ngaw?" she replied with the same tone, head tilted.

  So she has no idea where we should go too.

  We shouldn't stay here for long. IRAT would see the mess and send reinforcements. I wanted to go back home - oh, right. Then I had an idea. The school dorms. Damn this nightmare, I'd be happy to kiss some civilization again. Then maybe I could go Google stuff out and find out what all this shit meant.

  "We go to town," I said. She looked at me. "Town, where there's houses and buildings," I said, pointing to the faint outline of rooftops on my left. I hope no one heard the explosion, it was pretty near. Donnie nodded, pursing her lips.

  My, I have not a clear opportunity to see wolves up close. I bent down to stroke one but it snarled at me. Okay, okay, carry on.

  The wolves were in some kind of debate with Donnie, with expressions and growls and vicious barks. That same one looked at me with eyes of pure hatred.

  What? Want a fight? Damn you.

  It let out a low growl and a bearing of teeth. I'm sorry. You did save my life though, little pooch.

  They were anything but little however. Twice the size of the biggest husky I've seen. The debate continued on. I watched Donnie as her face changed from concerned to angry to sad to worried.

  It ended with Donnie in sorrow and the wolf pack storming off. Before they disappeared into the darkness again, Donnie howled a little and squatted by the one that hated me in some way. Her petite hand reached to her neck and pulled a necklace out, one with a chain of string and a little silver star.

  God. Donnie was more human than I thought. Or was it the wolves that were more human?

  That wolf was bellowing all the way when Donnie looped the thing around its furry head, struggling to place it properly with one hand and one grey paw. The wolf's eyes pierced through mine for a second and I felt my heart suffocate. There was something more to its glare, it didn't even come close to Sir's. Anger, fear, worry, desolation, betrayal, detestation...the wolf's eyes... it told me everything...

  It was because of me that Donnie betrayed them. It was because of me that Donnie had to leave them. Now I understand.

  I was thinking of letting Donnie stay with the wolves. But I couldn't. My body refused. My mind ached. One end, a guilt that I would live with for the rest of my life. The other...what?

  I wanted to tell Donnie. I wanted to agree with the wolves. But those words couldn't make it out of my throat. An invisible force so damn strong was winning over me. Winning over my conscience. Winning over the guilt of seeing that wolf's torture inside.

  They're just animals, aren't they?

  It was too late. The necklace sat steadily on the wolf's neck. It raced off into the abyss of trees and snow, the silver gleaming its last twinkles before fading into the dark.

  Donnie was on all fours, heading towards town. She didn't bat me an eye.

6

  It was until the town gates that we realized the problem. She hid behind a tree, hooting at me like an owl.

  It wasn't really a gate but just a wire fence with a small lock. No, of course I could pick that cheap old lock but what would people think of fur and tails?

  I thought of going in and buying some winter wear from a local store but right - my pockets were fried. But right again - this wasn't the states.

  "Stay here," I said, motioning her to sit, and pulling on my sweater, "I'm going to get some jackets for you."

  Brick walls of houses on the left, stores a few on the right. The stone pathways made me feel normal again. Today's ordeal left my mind as quick as it entered.

  That said, I remembered. That scar from the taser. It stung and I covered it. Ah, another one to my collection of scars. There were another 2 on my scalp, one on my forehead. I didn't know how I got them, though.

  Uncle Ben's Ol' Stuff for Winter was the fancy sign for this shop. I went in, picked a few hoodies and shoes and a pair of trousers. What Donnie was wearing was as weird as this shop's name.

  "Uh, uncle Ben?" I said, reaching the counter, where a plum man with his hair white looked up from the newspaper. He looked quite kind, I may have a chance. Fingers crossed. My voice came out shakier than expected. "I want to buy these, but uhh, I don't have money right now. Can I, uh, borrow these stuff?"

  He laughed, I laughed with him. I don't know why.

  "Heh, kid, you're a fine young man. But I've had my fair share of scammers around, mate," he said,

voice coarse but warm.

  "I, uh, you don't understand. There's this girl-"

  He looked up from the papers again, astonishingly fast. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

  What? "Well, uhh, no," I said. Was Donnie a girlfriend? No, she was not! But my mind burst into pictures of Donnie. Donnie, Donnie, Donnie! Donnie, Donnie, Donnie! "No, I, uh," I felt my face turn hard red. "I, she,"

  "Take these, and this scarf too, make sure she's not cold. Now go get her!" Uncle Ben yelled.

  "Well, uh, thank you, Uncle Ben, thanks so much!"

  "What are you waiting for? Go!"

  I left the store with a bright smile, hearing hearty laughter behind. Goddamn, I can't even say anything. That went better than expected.

  "Donnie, put these on," I said.

  When I returned, she was crouching by the tree, playing with her tail. "Put these on," I said.

  She looked at the clothes and bit them. Shit, dumb girl, those are damn clothes! I helped her put them on, but that one big sapphire eye was staring into my face. I negated her look several times, but I'll admit, it was pretty distracting. It was opened wide with surprise and curiosity at the same time, one tiny sharp tooth peering out of her lips as she drooled a little.

  I was increasingly concerned about her. I began to wonder: was she really born like this or a human turned animal? If she really was a human before, how did she go from a human to this state? How many years of torture and abuse would it have taken?

  Who was IRAT?

  And she just remained her stare after I finished the last disguise on her, the shoes. I took a while to admire the the paw, like the long, vertical feet of a wolf on a human. I stroked the fur a bit, it was so soft, I stroked a little more. And then I realized with a palm to my face, silly me. I forgot she couldn't walk.

  "Can you walk?" I asked, just to be sure. Her gaze had now changed. Her lips were trembling, her eyes watery. She struggled to stand, a leg and a paw working hard under those trousers. But there she was. A sudden forward lunge and a long kiss on my cheek, her shaky hand retracting me into a hug, a front paw enveloping my neck.

  I didn't know if she those were tears of joy or sadness, but in a stammering and unclear voice she said, "I wemembe. I wemembe."


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1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Sun May 29, 2016 6:42 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here representing Team Granger on this fine Review Day!

I like this. I have a huge soft spot for stories with animals, so yeah...

Anyway, in general this is pretty good, though your chapters are really short for a novel. They're more like scenes than chapters.

In general, the major problem I had is that everything was moving too fast and I wound up very confused. First he was in a van, but then it seemed like he was out of the van and rigging explosives, but I didn't understand why they had explosives in the first place or how he got out of the van.

Also, in general, you want to put your main character's thoughts in italics.

The gun pointed to my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, and anticipated it. The gunshot came as a loud, heavy bang.

Then I heard the man laugh

This confused me. How was there a gunshot while it was pointing at his face, but he didn't die? Was he just imagining how the gunshot should sound?

My wrists were cuffed, but hands free, and could only resort to nibbling the wire. I nibbled one end of it and looped it to a bolt on the wheel, another end I looped it to the van, tinkering the explosion force to the maximum.

The first sentence didn't make sense to me. How could his wrists be cuffed but his hands free? I'm also not sure you can change the settings on bombs, considering they're big balls of chemicals that react in a particular way no matter what you do.

And that's about all I've got for you! I'm really interested in particular to see what happens with Donnie, and to find out what happened to her. Good luck, and keep writing!




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766 Reviews


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Reviews: 766

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Thu May 12, 2016 4:07 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there jedd. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I read and reviewed the other set of you chapters a couple months back. The story is getting more exciting and interesting as it progresses. I have learned from my last review that I probably should have split up the chapter reviews a bit better. Also, what do you mean you didn't write anymore chapters for this? Okay enough with the chit chat because this is where the real review begins.

Okay so I am pretty sure the review is going to be mostly grammar, spelling and typo based. Also a bit of rewording is in order for certain spots to make sense.

One more general note. You need to up the rating on your novel. I'd recommend at least a 16 for language. It just depends on how many times you use 'damn'. In the situation you created, I see the need for language use. Just try to not go overboard.

Chapter 4

A freezing splash of water bit into me before I could fall asleep. I really needed some sleep. Another hard slap followed, a felt the sting on my cheeks and the jerk of my head. I felt the vigorous rocking of the van as it moved through the icy tundra. Finding Donnie.

1. Those first two sentences can be combined to make more sense. This will probably help the flow a bit too. I ended up subtracting one part and trading it out for another.
A freezing splash of water bit into before I could fall into much needed sleep.

2. The third sentence also needs to be changed around a bit because it currently makes no sense. Here's my version.
Another hard slap followed. I felt the sting on my cheeks and the quick jerk of my head.

3. I don't get the "Finding Donnie" on the end. It just feels out of place and needs a friend. Maybe you could do something like...
Their speed could only signal one thing, they were trying to find Donnie.
That to me just grabs your attention more.

I did. But let me go, please. "Okay, I will not say a single word about it, please let me go." I pleaded.

1. You don't need "please let me go" twice. Just ditch one of those. I personally think it would be best to keep the conversation point.

Just out f curiosity, "Then why don't you just shoot me."

1. This needs to be ordered around and swapped. I have a pretty good way for you to do this.
Just out of curiosity, I provoked the man standing over me. "Then why don't you just shoot me."

The conversations need to be split from the texts. This was a recurring problem but I don't want to waste time listing them all. Instead here's just one.
"Go, go, go!" It shook so much it felt like we were riding a sledgehammer. My head smacked into the van floor. "Corner it, corner it!" The van was making hard, drastic turns and swivels. I stuck to the side of the wall and simultaneously was flung to the other wall. I'd get a concussion if I didn't get up.

You need to go through and make separate lines all over the place. Good luck on re-doing your proof reading.

3 of them.

This is another recurring event. I would spell numbers out because you have them in such short sentences.

Chapter 5
Yes! We're already on to chapter 5.
I really have nothing to say for this chapter because it was so much shorter than the last one. All of the grammar, spelling, and typo mistakes I spotted, were recurring issues. I don't feel the need to point those out again.

Chapter 6
So again, I don't want to point out the same old mistakes.
I do like where the story is going and it's certainly becoming more exciting. I really hope that you end up writing more chapters to this. I couldn't help but like Uncle Ben. He seemed very understanding even though your MC was basically shoplifting. I understand the situation and the need.

Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry if I couldn't offer anymore extremely wise words of advice/comments.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs




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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Mar 11, 2016 2:03 pm
Asher123 says...



This is well..... great and i think it just needs a little more of an effort to make it more engaging in the Entertainment department. But Good Job anyways.





"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov