1
It was late. 3 in the morning, to be exact. But I didn't care, I didn't need to care anymore, nobody had to. I was so glad of that decision, to transfer here.
Canada. West Canada in Yukon territory, some tens of miles from the Alaskan border.
It was really peaceful, actually. Save for some blizzards that chilled some nights to the bone, it was often calm. Hills and mountains enveloped my house, a lake to the South, with fresh air all year round. Here, I could listen to the birds sing, otherwise the silence was very soothing too.
Ah, the silence. Back in the states where our condo stood tall before a busy roadway, cars honked, gas exhausts bellowed and the worst? Mom and dad nagging, nagging, nagging, all day and all night. All night, that is if I wasn't in bed before 10. God damn, I wouldn't mind being absent to parties -I didn't like any of the sort anyway- but 10 pm? My hormones say otherwise.
I paid a look at the mirror. A zombie stared back. Those dark eye pockets were huge, damn. Tomorrow I had work, a waiter at a local restaurant; I swept the sudden wave of reluctance away as soon as it came. I needed to work, I had to pay the rent. My features were unemotional in the mirror, I realized. Weary eyes of ocean blue, black hair shuffled messily, a thin but tall frame.
Hey, I have been working out. Honestly those supermodels used for romance book covers everywhere are ridiculously pumped. Someday.
I sipped some coffee and continued reading some fiction on Wattpad. I wanted to write something. But what?
10 minutes past 3 now. I want to be an author, but right now what the hell am I doing with my life. What shall I write?
I drifting asleep when a growl blared from the darkness ahead.
I knew the wolves here. It was no ordinary growl.
Silence. Howling wind. Silence. A sip of coffee.
Growl.
Shit, oh shit. I looked towards the window. The floor felt cold. The woods ahead, dark. The silence so tranquil before was now mocking. Suddenly it hit me. Shit just got real. I'm hallucinating from the lack of sleep.
Hah, it was fun losing sleep. I've heard that if you go past the 48 hour mark you'll start having hallucinations, like watching a McDonald's commercial on the wall. I settled into bed. Strangely I haven't gone past one night witho-
Thumps on the door. It punctuated the silence. This was not a hallucination. Rhythmic, soft, firm thump, thump, thump. I crawled out of bed, scared straight, why the hell had I chosen to live alone?
A squeal. Not one of the wolves.
I breathed deeply, wanted to pick up the tranquilizer but got the kitchen knife instead. I didn't look forward to having it sleeping only when I was dead.
The squeals. They were somewhat inhuman as they were not animal.
I crept up to the door. Scratching now. It sounded breathless. It sounded scared.
I secured the chain lock, both of them before listening. The animal didn't sound big. Should I open it? Should I?
I hid behind the door and with a keen eye peeking, opened it with a soft creek.
WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL ARE YOU?
2
I jolted. Jolted like the jolt when a cockroach spawned out of nowhere. Oh God. What the hell.
It just sat there. She just sat there. I didn't know what to feel - she didn't look intimidating nor really human at all. One wide blue eye stared me down, its sheer fear inside beginning to catch onto me. I looked towards where she came from. Woods and woods all around, getting darker and darker until it was pitch black. Silence. Now I was scared too, not by this creature but by how she had came to be.
Let me just say this was not what I had seen in the anthropomorphized anime where every one of them was cute and lovable. Thank goodness it wasn't all that hideous either, I would have shot it by now if it was. I undid the locks and let the thing in.
3 feet (90 cm) tall on all fours, it rushed inside frantically, paying quick horrified glances to the outside. It was definitely scared. But of what? The wolves? Hunters, perhaps?
It just sat on the floor. I'm not sure whether to call it a she or it. But she just sat there, a face of fresh relief. She stared at everything with a surprised expression. I stared at her.
Silvery, curly hair untamed and free was down to her shoulders, definitely having some grime in that oily mess. Ears and tail of course, cheesy as it was. She wore the same fabric as gym candidates in the Olympics, white and stretchy. Here's where the differences start. A patch of silvery fur ran from her forehead down to her left jaw, encompassing her left eye, which had multiple scars as if her eye had been sliced repeatedly. Needless to say, her left eye, somewhat half-animal and half human, was blind.
One of her arms was small and pale and bony, the other was a full wolf-paw. She gently scrubbed her blind eye with it, whimpering in pain as she did. Patches of fur ran through her skin like a how a cow's patches would, and one of her legs was an animal's from the knee down. But the most distinct would be her slightly protruding face resembling a little snout, that mouth bearing as many sharp teeth as human teeth.
"What's your name?" I asked, the creature not seeming to get it. "Your name? Can you understand me?"
She looked at me with confused eyes, then started to think. Her tail wagged and paw scratched a fur patch on her neck. She let out a hum.
I waited. Was she a human turned wolf or just born like this? Or wolf turned human?
She got it and struggled to pronounce it. "Dang-ngi-," she muttered. "Da...ngi."
"Donnie?"
She did what I think was a half-bark. Curious little creature!
"Where did you come from?" I asked, pointing to the woods. The fear returned and she ran further away from the door, whimpering.
Lights suddenly flashed on, spotlights that flooded through my windows. Shouting followed, I turned to see armed men unloading off a jeep. Donnie cried out. I have never seen a look of terror so pure in my life. I heard slams on my door. "Open up." The voice was loud, cold and commanding. Nope, no weird half-animal creatures here!
I ushered Donnie into the bathroom. She didn't budge at first but with a cry that my hand muffled she got thrown into the bath. "Keep quiet," I whispered, then yelled "Comin-"
I was locking the bathroom door when a hissing sound came. An explosion shattered the front door, wooden shrapnel flying everywhere, the pain came as the shards embedded themselves into my flesh. I was still holding my ringing ears, the shock-wave sending agony through my head, I screamed.
The soldiers rushed in with lights on their rifles. I couldn't make out anything, the world was reverberating heavily, the piercing ring still in my ears. They realized I wasn't what they were looking for; I felt one hell of a kick to my stomach taking my breath away with it. But they had seen me locking the bathroom door. "Get the specimen alive!"
I could only watch. I could only watch with a blur as gunshots tore through the night, the bathroom doorknob being battered with bullets.
This never happened. This isn't happening. This is all a dream.
3
They were going to find her. No. Whatever torture lies in store for you, Donnie, I'm sorry.
The bathroom door swung open. The bathroom window was open too. No Donnie.
Thank goodness.
Soldiers swarmed to check once again. No Donnie. No footprints on the snow outside, perhaps, they didn't say anything. Then they checked the rest of my cozy little shed. Not carefully. Drawers overturned, clothes a mess, furniture toppled.
"It's not here, sir," one of them said. Another gave up on my cupboard. "It must've escaped through the window, sir."
This was my chance. "What the hell guys?" I yelled. They turned to me. That's it, Donnie was not here at all.
"Sir, we should start searching before it runs further away," one of them said. The one in charge was scratching his chin, his burly figure was a little too big for my small house.
"Before what runs further away?" I yelled, more of a complaint than a question. I put on a bemused look. "What is all this?"
It was well a few seconds before the "Sir" spoke. "We found footprints leading to your house. The animal-"
I interrupted, "So you wreck my house because an animal visited?"
They were puzzled, that's for sure. But none of them looked embarrassed. What frightened me the most was nobody had any sign of backing down. I continued. "My little pooch just came to visit and you wreck this place? I could sue you!" Their badges displayed IRAT. "I could sue IRAT!"
Run, Donnie, run.
"What we are looking for is important," Sir said.
"A dog, that's what you're looking for? Well go grab one on the goddamn bloody streets!"
"No, not a dog-"
"Then what?"
"A living hybrid specimen. Half wolf, half human."
I laughed like I had never laughed before. I could have an acting career. "A hybrid?" Laughed some heartily more. "What is this, a cosplay team now? Those half-cats like in anime?"
There was a silence after I had finished. I broke it. "So, I expect some compensation from you guys."
They didn't answer.
"I could file a lawsuit," I said. I didn't know much about the topic.
But they didn't answer. Each looked at Sir, who had his head thinking and fingers still scratching his chin. I suddenly realized if this organization had so much military power they wouldn't be afraid of the local police. Plus, was that confirms it - hybrids are real now.
I was stubbornly waiting for the reply that could never come. Now only did I see who the real boss was. My heart beat faster in the awkward and painstaking silence. "Okay, okay, whatever, I don't want any trouble and neither do you guys. Just leave, alright?" I ushered Sir out the door. The opening, to be exact. They budged, slowly, Sir still lost in thought.
Donnie, I'm sorry, but it's up to you now, I guiltily thought. The men were still slowly moving, awaiting Sir. "Just leave and find your goddamn wolf-girl okay?"
Instantly razor-sharp eyes pierced into mine. Sir's eyes.
Oh shit.
Heavy arms slammed me onto the floor, the impact rocking my jaw. My hands were cuffed.
Sir lifted my jaw up with a single finger. "What do you know?" he said it in the tone I couldn't stand. "What do you know about the wolf girl?"
I didn't answer. Couldn't.
"Lock him in."
I thought of the peaceful life I had. I thought of my parents nagging me. I wanted them to now. I couldn't comprehend it all - I couldn't digest it yet. It was too fast. Nothing seemed real.
I was reluctant to move but that meant my feet was cuffed too. A few moments of disbelief later and I was being dragged through the snow. I felt its wetness on my bare feet.
All of this. Because of a visit by an animal. A half-animal. I wouldn't understand it. I thought of Donnie running through the woods right now, going as far as she could, to where?
It all seemed so far-fetched. I remembered the scars on her eye and shuddered inside. Was I going to be made half-animal too? I didn't know how else to respond. I shouted at the top of my lungs, praying somebody would hear me.
I heard a crackle of electricity before flames sizzled my shoulder, a taser injecting lava through my veins. It went on a few minutes, as it seemed, before the electricity was relieved, I realized I was screaming, a scream of torment and hopelessness with the sounds no human could exert. I convulsed, gasped, letting out the breath I didn't hold. The last sights of light were a blur before the van slammed shut.
__________________
Some feedback would be awesome!
End of chapter
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Hey there jedd. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. I thought that this was going to be one, super long chapter, but the fact it was actually three was a pleasant surprise. The chapters by themselves are a little short so I can see why you published them together. Have you written chapter 4 yet? If you have, it might be better to only put two chapters together so you don't overload the reader. 1 and 2, 3 and 4, 5 and 6, and so on and so on. I'm thinking that since these were just introduction chapters, the next one is going to be a bit longer and delve farther into the story line. Let's get onto the individual chapter breakdown.
Chapter 1
i. You start the story off in a very mysterious way, a series of events with absolutely no history. We know nothing of the character. All we do know is a general location and that they moved really far away from their home to get away from their parents. That rant in the first couple of paragraphs was quite funny and relatable for many readers. I'm thinking you included because some piece of the backstory has to do with the main character running away from home or a similar situation. If I'm wrong please correct me.
ii. Maybe you have an explanation for this line, but it barely made sense to me.
The first part is fine, the second part however makes no sense. "some tens of miles". Is it supposed to be ten or more then ten. The way that you put it usually goes in front of something else like tens of thousands.
iii. This set of lines has another couple of confusing points.
-I think you should make a split of the sentence after bellowed and at "and" just create a new sentence. I believe a comma is needed after "states" for the sentence to flow right. With the new fix you no longer need a comma after honked. Like this.
-I also have a couple of touch ups for the rest of the sentences. dad needs a capital D. For some reason Dad is not getting the same privilege of a capital letter at the front of their name. The nagging is for emphasis but three in a row is excessive. In the new version I cut it down to two. Here's the second sentence fix.
-Does this character own the tranquilizer for self defense against the wild animals living near theier home? Why did you feel it was necessary to enter that once piece of information? Or does it have some role in the end of the story?
-Besides that I don't have any other comments for Chapter 1.
Chapter 2
i. If there was one line I really loved out of the whole piece, it would have to be this one.
Your brand of humor was something I could relate to and it sounds like this kind of character would rely heavily on sarcasm. I laughed for an incredibly long period of time and then fell out of my chair. Spawned is the right word for anything to do with cock roaches.
-You went into a lot of detail about the wolf-human hybrid, but not much else. That part was interesting to see how you were going to describe her, but the rest of the story hasn't been touched on much and is still very plain.
-I really thought when I read this line it was sarcasm, but you can never tell in writing what is meant to be sarcastic and what isn't.
Please tell me it was even if it wasn't.
-Enough about chapter 2 and on to chapter 3.
Chapter 3
-Chapter 3 is where the bulk of the action happened and I have so many questions about the events and where you are going to take them. Just tell me the entire plot, tell me now.
-This chapter was really good and I don't have anything for my grammar and spelling analysis except for one or two little weak typos. I have just a couple of questions.
i.
What does IRAT stand for. Is it something that really exists and I am just unaware of? Or is it some secret government agency you created?
2. Sorry for such a quick review. My hands are getting sore from all of this typing. You are still relatively new so let me give you this...
Happy Late Welcome to YWS!
Surprise! If you have any questions about anything just PM or type in the chat bar. Have fun.
-lizzy
Daaarn, just wrote a full length reply but I had been auto logged out when I posted it. Anyways, changes were made and stuff. I'm lazy to rewrite the reply so yeah.
Thanks so much for the awesome review, I learned a lot on how to think from a reader's perspective!
Hey.. It's Ellesegar to do a quick review on your work. First off... Your profile picture is awesome...
lol and speaking of awesome, your writing piece is awesome! Seriously. Reading through it, I got so nervous. Everything was so suspenseful and it was really fun to read.
I love how you describe the main character, and make them seem more real to your readers. Great job!
"The squeals. They were somewhat inhuman as they were not animal." --> after inhuman, I would insert a comma, it will connect the two phrases and make the sentence flow a lot better.
I love how you describe the girl/wolf in such amazing detail. I have a question though. Since the summary says that she was thought to be dead... Does he like recognize her from the television or something? Could he? That might be a little foreshadowing you could put in there and make your writing more interesting. (not that it already isn't... it's actually very amazing).
Another question: Why is he "captured" when he says "wolf-girl"? They told him it was half-wolf/half-girl... So why is he captured?
"Then what?"
"A living hybrid specimen. Half wolf, half human."
This piece so far, is very very very very good. I love it. Please please please write more. It's amazing. I love your imagery usage and your descriptions of all the characters are very good.
Oh uhhh, thanks a lot! I'm writing a chapter a day, so stay tuned haha. I really appreciate your comment, I can feel the motivation juices flowing!
"The squeals. They were somewhat inhuman as they were not animal."
Yeah, it does seem a little weird, thanks for pointing that out. I'll change it to: " They were neither as animal as they are human.
And woah, the foreshadowing is a great idea. Is there an edit option here? I'll update the Wattpad version in the meantime.
Hmm, for the reasons why he was captured, perhaps I didn't make it clear enough. He has been fooling the soldiers into thinking he hadn't seen Donnie, but they didn't say it was a girl. When he said "wolf-girl", the soldiers knew he had been lying.
Thanks for your marvelous review, thank you so much!