z

Young Writers Society



Peace and quiet

by jearjioe


Peace and quiet
That's the way I like it
I sit at home and read a book
or watch the birds flying about

No one is home
I'm filled with glee
I get to sit
and simply think

without interruption
without distraction
I can regain my thoughts
when I have peace and quiet

I think of her
her smile so bright
her hair is black
but underneath is gold

I relax and realize
that I'll have to wait
these things take time

I'm home alone
what a surprise
the world seems quiet
and I smile joyfully

I can think of anything
anyone and everything
no school no parents
not even a noisy dog

No one is home
I'm filled with glee
I get to sit
and simply think

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91 Reviews

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Fri May 25, 2007 12:29 pm
something euclidean wrote a review...



Some stanzas seemed more like prose.
Agreed. Try unbreaking the lines and putting in some punctuation: then what will separate this from a paragraph? Does it lose anything in 'translation'? [I don't think it will - and if it doesn't lose anything between poem and paragraph, there's a problem].

A good exercise for rewriting this would be to rewrite this and have it be ten lines long, or less. Read some poems by William Carlos Williams if you like, which might help. Condense. Cut the fat. Find the things that aren't necessary and get rid of them -- get the idea down to the necessary metaphors and mentions, and create a feeling of quiet with those.




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316 Reviews

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Fri May 25, 2007 2:59 am
whence wrote a review...



This was simplistic to a fault.

There was no substance; it merely stated low-key, unemotional things in an off-hand manner. You need to make the reader feel something; y'know what I mean? Unfortunately, this made me feel nothing. Try reading more potent poetry-- anything that's good should suffice nicely. In fact, you should be able to find exemplary pieces on this here site. See what you like, and how it is done. Then find ways to make it your own and implement it in your work. Use literary devices. Similes, metaphors, imagery, alliteration, repetition, etc. Play around with it. Good luck, and happy reading
~Ed




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Fri May 25, 2007 1:45 am
Chandni wrote a review...



Very simplistic, you were straight to your point yet you could've used some description.

For example:

I think of her
her smile so bright
her hair is black
but underneath is gold


That was simply said, describe your emotions, add a bit more description. It seems a bit dull or rather cliche.

Other than that, it was ok. At a moment I found it so simple it started to bother me.

Some stanzas seemed more like prose.

For example:

I can think of anything
anyone and everything
no school no parents
not even a noisy dog





One thing, your subject made its self very clear, when reading this I find indeed Peace and Quite, because of its simplicity ;) There's no thinking about. That's nicely done :)

Cheerios, Chandni





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