I cried in agony, as my eyes burned with fury, my skin peeling off from my face. My body ached in every joint, my head wanting to explode. After a few minutes of crying and twisting I lie there in pain so great that nothing could console me. I stare in despair to the sky filled with smoke, and the air filled with gunpowder and the taste of blood. Sound of the firing machine guns and at the end of the line the fallen bodies and horses crying at their last, crying of the lack of knowledge for their death! People said back home that when youâre about to die you see lights, but at that moment then, I didnât see lights, but I saw my mother back home; telling me to go on, her voice so faint and sweet that sent a chill through my bone and calmed the pain away. But then the face of my dad, so cruel and cold, full of mockery and contempt of my pain, as if saying Iâm hopeless. A rage inside me gave me hope that I should hold on, that I should prove him wrong and that I should live another day to see daylight. He appeared in my mind, with an evil face that brings me no good memories at all. I shook my head vigorously, with my hand gripping both sides of my head, trying to shake his face away; I was back in the mud.
I was running in the green meadow with my beautiful jenny, we were so happy and cheerful, I was five again! Running gloriously holding her hand, afraid that anyone would take her away from me, afraid that I would lose her, my mum! My beautiful mum, her face so light and her skin so soft, she was so beautiful and so kind and peaceful, sometimes I wonder if they broke the mould when they made her. The chattering of the machine guns seemed so far away now. The face of a young girl, so beautiful and smart, she had brown hair and beautiful brown-green eyes! She had the smile of a walking angel. It was my Jenny. Oh how hopeless I was. It was all supposed to have had ended by Christmas, yet it almost seems like a myth! Joining without permission, lying to an officer, betraying my mothers trust all to end with my pride in grief. My belief in my life possessing nothing more than sorrows and pains seems no more than a childhood bargain.
âDonât speak too harsh on your father Harryâ enraged Jenny. She rarely got angry, she was the type who was always so calm and peaceful and could talk her way out of any situation, also talk anyone into a situation! But on the subject of me criticizing my father she would rage with annoyance! Somehow I have always known that she had a soft spot for him; always defending him and being helpful at his needs. Most of all he was nicer to her than he was to me! She would, and everyone I know would ask why I hated him so much; but when asked, I just shake my head in ignorance.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Jean.
I am GeeLyria, and I will be reviewing for you today. I will start off by saying, being completely honest, that I really like your writing style. I like your characters. Your imagery is great and it feels real because your character expresses not only thoughts but feelings. Those are really good things.
However, if that's the case, ignore I ever said anything. If not, I really really recommend you to use paragraphs.
If you have any questions about this review or the site, feel free to let me know.
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
If I have to suggest something, I'd tell you to give us more "show". I believe that a great piece can be an excellent piece when there's a balance between show and tell. This story doesn't exactly have much dialogue, but it could have, and I believe that could make this story improve, for it would be more enjoyable.
Also~ this is one huge block! D: And it's so easy to get lost in it. I don't know if this was intentional or if the format went evil on you.
And that's pretty much I have to say. Seriously, keep writing. Thanks for sharing!
~GeeLyria
Hey Picard!
"I cried in agony, my eyes burned with fury and my skin peeled from my face." I'd go with this. It's a bit cleaner and cuts out unnecessary parts.Welcome to YWS, hope you enjoy yourself here.
Overall, this is an okay piece. I like the scene you are describing, and if you fix up grammatical errors, format and clean it up a bit, it can hold quite an impact.
I'm not going to go over all grammatical errors, but I'll hand out some examples to look for while going over this work again. Proofreading is very important.
First off, the entire piece is in terrible format. It's all one big piece, no line breaks or setup. That is very straining on the eyes and should be fixed.
You use commas a bit too often and sometimes it's unnecessary and wrong. Try to work around it.
You actually write some parts in present and others in past tense. Decide on one.
Clear this up. I know what you are trying to say, but you follow the first line up with an immediate contradiction.
Names are capitalized. Quick typo.
Chattering is not the best desciption of this. Maybe "booming" or "crackling", but there are lots of options here.
While you can use this, I find it better (and most of the time) to use "sorrow and pain". Using it in plural can add some peotic effect (drown my sorrows), but not often.
It is a bit unclear who Jenny is. The way you describe her, she could be your girl, your sister or just some friend.
This is an alright read, you'll probably get more reviews and guidance here. Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff