Chess And Other Games

The head was ten miles away from the rest of the body, sitting on a pile of straws in a barn. The police was not yet there, it had been five minutes since they were told. But in the distance you could hear the sirens of the police cars, approaching the countryside at least seventy miles per hour. Mr. Hancobee stood still, one hand in the pocket and the other on his grandson's shoulder. He is a strong man, but you could tell that he was never prepared for this, well who would ever be!  

“Detective Brown, we received a call from this address about a – um – a decapitated head? - Mr. Hancobee right?” after rushing through the gravel road, and parking the car sideways to the barn entrance, detective Brown spoke to the man standing with a boy in front of the barn. It was his second call as a detective. He spoke with anxiety in his voice and gave the sense of being frustrated. “Yes, right in their detective.” Detective Brown quickly rushed into the barn, along with some other police officers.

And there it was, a head, lying on a pile of straws. It was the head of a woman, whose identity was not yet known. The head looked as if it had been sharply done. “My grandson found it… (Slight pause) her... this morning, he came to feed his dog when he saw it – we didn’t touch anything, I made sure of that.” Mr. Hancobee informed Detective Brown.

“Ahh, thank you Mr. –“please, call me William” William… that was very thoughtful of you. Now, can I ask you some questions?”

The two men walked out of the barn towards the house, where a woman sat on a chair staring at nothing. “That’s my wife – acquired William – She went blind two years ago, she also has hearing problems” Detective Brown shook his head – “I’m sorry”.

                                                       

 

Chapter two

It has been four hours since the police had arrived at the Hancobee farm. Detective Brown was frustrated, no one heard anything and he had no solid leads and no clues. The head belonged to Anna Keane; a twenty-eight year old woman from London who was last seen four days ago, she was a shopkeeper. The police picked up the rest of her body ten miles south from where her head was; floating in the river. The body was in good shape, no sign of struggle or anything except for a headless body!

“James, you have to see this.” Detective Browns colleague, Jack, said with excitement. It was a chess piece, a pawn, in the mouth of the victim. It was a white plastic normal size pawn.

“Get the forensics, check for fingerprints, it’s our first clue people don’t mess it up! – Ordered detective Brown with excitement – after a short pause he turned to Jack “What do you think it means?”. “Well, it could have a lot of meanings. Are you a chess player? – What do we know about a pawn?” Jack inquired.

“Yes, well first it’s the weakest piece in the game and it can only move forward and eat sideways. However it can be promoted to a higher piece if it reaches the 8th rank.” Jack jumped as Detective Brown spoke.

“God! He has given us a riddle to solve. That Girl, she was a shopkeeper right? Well… a pawn has a low value… it can be promoted to a higher piece…and she -“ Was about to be promoted to assistant manager at the store! Yes… you're right!” Detective brown cut Jacks sentence . “ Exactly! She was a low class, in other words a pawn; weak. Maybe… I don’t know… why don’t we check her profile, see if she had any enemies, people who might want to hurt her, ex boyfriends, colleagues who was jealous that she was getting promoted, anything.”

“Already have… Kyle should be getting back to me soon.” Detective Brown pointed out. He walked down the driveway, looking at the area and scanning for any clues. But none! Jack watched him; hopeless, and clearly a man who is desperately trying to have a career. He was obviously tired, Jack had heard the rumor of a Mrs. Browns affair, and so had James. He wanted to talk to him, but he knew that it wouldn’t go down that well. James is a reserved man who keeps his thoughts to himself, he was mostly locked in his office for the whole day or out doing his own business. Jack snapped out of his thoughts and continued his task.

James, or Detective Brown, stood till with his hands in his pocket and deep in his own world.

 

Comments & reviews · 4
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TimmyJake
Review

Timmyjake here to give you a review on World Review Cup Day! We're tryin to win here!!

Ok, I will just hit this for the big spots in punctuation to give you an idea of what I mean. No need to hit every little thing.

The head was ten miles away from the rest of the body, sitting on a pile of straws in a barn. The police was not yet there, it had been five minutes since they were told.

The first sentence, in my opinion, is not a good opener! You need to say something that will dray your character in, make them want to read on. And saying that a head was ten miles away from the body says, Ewww!!!, rather than engrossing the reader! :)

The Police WERE not THERE yet, As it had been five minutes since they were told. I

The capitalized words are just suggested renovations to that sentence to fix it up a bit. :)

after rushing through the gravel road, and parking the car sideways to the barn entrance, detective Brown spoke to the man standing with a boy in front of the barn.

That sentence is not a good sentence to introduce a character or to have after someone says something. Just having it as "Detective Brown said." And then you can describe how he got there and how he parked the car, and why he parked the car that way, etc...

One thing that I didn't like on this was the formality of the whole thing. Detective Brown is what you call him. Througout he entire thing! I think you should introduce his first name and then use that throughout instead of the more formal Detective Brown.

Other than the name, which I think if it was changed would attract more readers, I liked this piece! It has an original feel to it and if you continue, I can see a definite plot building! Good luck!
~Timmyjake

No problem. Sorry about the messiness of the review! I just figured out how to tidy it up! :D

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Jonathan
Comment

Why did you say in the title (other games).

ill save it for later on ;)

User avatar
Jonathan
Review

(Were not) instead of (was not).
Why would he rush in maybe walked quickly into the barn instead of rush maybe if you try to picture a detective and what he would do.
(Still) might be better than (till).
This is most interesting i am wondering who killed the lady and i look forward to the next chapter.

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greener98890 Comment

In the first paragraph, you made a mistake. It's, "The police were not there yet," other then that, it's very nice. Bringing the suspense.



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