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The owl

by jdogistheman


Two yellow glow

in the darkness

a quiet mouse scurries

under the moonlight

the owl prepares to make its kill

whoosh! whoosh!

the wings went

and just before grabbing the mouse

his talons went out

razor sharp

they went strait for his snout

being carried away

the owl felt he needed to say...

i'm sorry.


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43 Reviews


Points: 87
Reviews: 43

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Sat Jul 10, 2021 9:24 am
Beautifulsparkle wrote a review...



I did not expect the owl to feel sorry, but I think I understand why he was doing all that he had to do for survival. I imagine if I had to eat something vulnerable and afraid, for the same reason, and I think about how horrible I'd feel. No wonder the owl felt that way. Just think about doing the same thing to an animal you loved, it would be excruciating.

I like the way you describe events, the "yellow glow", the "mouse scurring, under the moonlight." I winced a bit when you said they went "straight for his snout", but that's life and survival of the fittest in the jungle. It was a nice surprise that the owl felt like he needed to be remorseful, I wonder what that little mouse was thinking, and if it would forgive the owl.

Once when I was at school, my teacher used to get a bit miffed when someone accidentally hit other students with the door and said "Now that you've hurt him you say sorry," as if it was too late for any reconciliation, like it was futile. I don't know, I think it was good that they acknowledged that they were in the wrong but at the same time, it was a bit horrible that the other students only had to make do with excuses, like the accidental damage caused was so small, insignificant.

I think that's how the mouse is feeling, angry, confused, frightened but most of all, if he knew the owl's feelings, indignant because his life would matter so little to him, maybe he had a little mouse family waiting at home, that would make the situation even more tragic.

I liked your writing, it was interesting, with a surprise at the end.




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96 Reviews


Points: 78
Reviews: 96

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Tue Jun 08, 2021 6:11 pm
InuYosha wrote a review...



aw what a nice owl.

I like how the owl pays respects to the mouse.

Anyways, let's get this review GOING

So your first two lines seem to talk about the owls eyes, I believe. I like that. Makes you think.

Line six is a great one as well, because the 'whoosh whoosh' contrasts with the rest of the poem, which is more of a dramatic one.

And finally, your most important final line. The 'I'm sorry'. It totally changes the mood of the poem. You start off with an ominous introduction, and begin to increase intention. Then, when you add 'razor sharp', it reaches a climax. The action falls, and finally ends with a twist-- "I'm sorry".

I absolutely love how the owl feels a bit remorseful about snatching the mouse, and it puts everything in perspective.

Great poem, although since it was a bit short, and I limit myself to plot comments, I apologize if this review was a bit short.

-InuYosha




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120 Reviews


Points: 9100
Reviews: 120

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Thu Jun 03, 2021 2:40 pm
FireEyes wrote a review...



Hello jdogistheman! Incoming review!

I like your perspective of this poem right here. The overall atmosphere is so quiet and it works so well. We know owls are silent flyers. I'm so impressed with the tone; its usually something I struggle with. You present a very different way of looking to how predators view their meals. Usually they are framed in a way that their need to kill is in instinct and the animal doesn't have any hard feelings. But you have made the owl sorry and almost slightly ashamed for having to kill this mouse so he could eat.

If I had any critiques it would be to perhaps shorten some of your longer lines. You use more very short lines in the poem more than longer ones. It throws off the rhythm a little bit. And with your lines that have two words in it I might advise using either another word to break up the shortness or use words that give more detail. I also feel that some phrases need more punch to it such as this one,

his talons went out

Maybe instead of "went out" something like "Unsheathed" gives more detail to it.

But I love the poem! It reminds me of a nature documentary where if you're watching one about lions, you feel happy that the lion got his food. But if it's about Zebras, you don't want the Zebra to get killed. It's so interesting. But keep on writing! Anyway, byeeeeeeeeeeeee<3





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