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The owl

by jdogistheman

Two yellow glow

in the darkness

a quiet mouse scurries

under the moonlight

the owl prepares to make its kill

whoosh! whoosh!

the wings went

and just before grabbing the mouse

his talons went out

razor sharp

they went strait for his snout

being carried away

the owl felt he needed to say...

i'm sorry.

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89 Reviews

Points: 1128
Reviews: 89

Tue Jun 08, 2021 6:11 pm
InuYosha wrote a review...

aw what a nice owl.

I like how the owl pays respects to the mouse.

Anyways, let's get this review GOING

So your first two lines seem to talk about the owls eyes, I believe. I like that. Makes you think.

Line six is a great one as well, because the 'whoosh whoosh' contrasts with the rest of the poem, which is more of a dramatic one.

And finally, your most important final line. The 'I'm sorry'. It totally changes the mood of the poem. You start off with an ominous introduction, and begin to increase intention. Then, when you add 'razor sharp', it reaches a climax. The action falls, and finally ends with a twist-- "I'm sorry".

I absolutely love how the owl feels a bit remorseful about snatching the mouse, and it puts everything in perspective.

Great poem, although since it was a bit short, and I limit myself to plot comments, I apologize if this review was a bit short.


User avatar
49 Reviews

Points: 2283
Reviews: 49

Thu Jun 03, 2021 2:40 pm
FireEyes wrote a review...

Hello jdogistheman! Incoming review!

I like your perspective of this poem right here. The overall atmosphere is so quiet and it works so well. We know owls are silent flyers. I'm so impressed with the tone; its usually something I struggle with. You present a very different way of looking to how predators view their meals. Usually they are framed in a way that their need to kill is in instinct and the animal doesn't have any hard feelings. But you have made the owl sorry and almost slightly ashamed for having to kill this mouse so he could eat.

If I had any critiques it would be to perhaps shorten some of your longer lines. You use more very short lines in the poem more than longer ones. It throws off the rhythm a little bit. And with your lines that have two words in it I might advise using either another word to break up the shortness or use words that give more detail. I also feel that some phrases need more punch to it such as this one,

his talons went out

Maybe instead of "went out" something like "Unsheathed" gives more detail to it.

But I love the poem! It reminds me of a nature documentary where if you're watching one about lions, you feel happy that the lion got his food. But if it's about Zebras, you don't want the Zebra to get killed. It's so interesting. But keep on writing! Anyway, byeeeeeeeeeeeee<3

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