Father Time
What have you done?
What happened to you?
You used to always be with me
I thought you'd never leave
What happened?
You're so closed off now
You take and take
But hardly ever give
I've been patient and generous
Can't you do the same?
I often try and stop to smell all the flowers
I pause to enjoy the scenery for a bit
Can't you do that too?
Like you used to?
Why do you have to move so fast
Nothing can be enjoyed or cherished that way
Don't you want to feel the world around you
Don't you want to sit on the beach and watch the sun set
And marvel at all the colors in the world
Aren't you sick of the blur?
Aren't you exhausted?
Take a break from running
slow down
Take a walk
Rest
You'll thank me later
- Jazi
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey jazi!
Wow, I wasn't really expecting much from a poem titled "Father Time", but there's something about the raw emotion and dialogue-like style of the poem that really hits deep.
So the first thing was that it took a while for me to figure out if the narrator is talking to the father or if the narrator is the father. Whether this was intentional or not, I think it's not too big of a deal, just something I wanted to point out.
Secondly, Messy already covered this but I also really like the strange spacing. Most poems opt for a stanza-by-stanza style, which is honestly kind of blocky. The flowy spoken format of the poem really sets a fitting tone.
Yep. Kids growing up, turning into adolescents, and we all know how that goes. And adolescents are pretty well known to absolutely hate interacting with their parents. It's just like you say-- a take and take relationship rather than give and take.
You know what, I don't know if this is about you or your dad, but I really like him already. Pausing and enjoying the scenery is honestly something that everyone should do every once in a while. Take in the wonders of nature.
Of course, where I live it's kind of boring, haha.
This is a bit unrelated, but I recommend you listen to the song Vienna by Billy Joel. It kind of has the same vibes. Especially in this little part right here. I also totally understand where the kid is coming from honestly. I actually have a lot going on in my life right now (not like bad a lot just a lot a lot) and I've been trying to work harder at time management so I can handle all these things that I have to do. Sometimes it's a good idea to take a break from all the craziness and just relax. Maybe by yourself, maybe with your dad.
-yosh
"eggo isn't actually eggs"
And yes, with the spacing, all my poems are like this. Im not a huge fan of stanzas lol. I feel like I can connect more and write what I want to write if I don't even worry about spacing that much. The majority of my work is like this and I really prefer it that way, even with other peoples work. I love receiving feedback and everything in my work is done intentionally (unless its a typo) but the question marks that are missing are missing on purpose because to me it felt like it sounded a bit more frustrated in my mind. I just write how I feel basically. BUt yeah, I loved hearing from all of you and I hope to hear from you again with other submissions.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS and Happy Review Day!
I don't know if this was intentional, or just YWS messing with your spacing, but I think that having 0 stanzas, opting for line after line after line, actually really works with the message of this poem. Time doesn't stop. It doesn't have breaks and doesn't slow down.
In the first half I found this to be a good poem, but the second half is where it really made me feel something. I love your use of rhetorical questions. Putting the onus on Father Time to do some of the work instead of it all being on you. Particularly, the line "Like you used to?" Stood out to me, because we all find this to be true as we grow up. When you're younger years feel longer, days are longer. Christmas takes foreeeever to come back around, but literally it's math and percentages xD
I like the conflict in the second half. I will say though, that with the personification of time. It's interesting to ask Time why he moves so fast. Because Time is actually moving at a consistent pace. He isn't speeding or slowing down. Pace doesn't affect him because he'll forever march on and get to experience sunsets and beach walks and snowfalls and thunderstorms forever. It's a good contrast with us though. It can be really hard to appreciate all the little things.
I actually think that a follow up poem from Father Time would be a really cool concept. I know that's not a typical thing to do, but there are some really interesting ideas you could play with there, from a more zoomed put perspective on life.
A couple of grammar notes for you: "I often try and stop to smell the roses " I believe the "and" and the "to" should be flipped. Also, you are missing a question mark in any of the lines past the midway point. I'm not sure if that was intentional because they are rhetorical, but it seemed inconsistent with the earlier punctuation choices, especially because you do use them again at the end. Other than that though, I liked the format and the content of the poem:) hope this helps!
~ Messy
Thank you for your comment! Also, thanks for pointing out the 'and' and 'to' Definitely going to switch those. The majority of what I write has LOTS of layers to it and its why I believe that most people are what they write. Because poetry should come from the heart and when it does, it will reveal to people your true colors and your desires in life. Father time is like a letter from me to him. most of my work is personal and I really enjoy getting feedback from others!