Freshman Year (chapter 1- Paige)

Hey! First of all, I just want to point out that you joined on my birthday, haha

Was that awkward?

Anyways, let's just jump right into it! I am going to focus more on grammar, and not plot. I'm sorta picky about this stuff

First, I want to point out the vagueness in your story. I noticed that a lot of your lines of dialogue didn't have dialogue tags.

For example:
"Hi you must be new, my name is Rebecca. Did you check in at the office for your schedule?"
"No I haven't made it to the office yet. I can't find it."
"Here I'll go with you."


It's great that you've used dialogue. Kids in my grade still don't even use dialogue, but it's important know when to notify your reader who is speaking, otherwise it'll get confusing.

"Hi, you must be new," a girl called out, approaching me, "I am Rebecca. Did you check in at the office?"
"No I haven't made it to the office yet. I can't find it," I replied in embarrassment.
"Here I'll go with you," Rebecca offered, a glint of kindness shining in her eyes.

See what I did there? I added dialogue tags, so the reader would know who is speaking.

Second, I noticed a couple run-ons in your piece.

For example: As I am sitting down Elijah comes and sits down right beside me. 

It's important to know when to add a semi-colon, comma, period, etc., in your sentence, otherwise it will get really confusing. Remember to add commas in a sentence, just to let your reader's breath, if you know what I mean.

As I am sitting down, Elijah comes and sits down right beside me. 

Noticed the comma I added in there? It's good to know when to take a pause.

Lastly, I noticed that you didn't capitalize important words, like "I." I am not going to be too specific on this, just remember to capitalize your I's.


Aaaannnd uh, that's about it. This is your first piece, and trust me, you'll get better as you go on

Remember to keep on writing, practice makes perfect!

Hey, it's Codayy here for a review for you. First off, I agree wholeheartedly with what the last reviewer said. Jammgolloway does mention to flesh and balance various thoughts, actions, and descriptions. I think, while it is solid advice, I want to continue what that user started.

I want to ask you question so you can consider it. What is your vision for this novel? Of course I read the blurb and the story, but I'm concerned that this first chapter will start with this premise and then run off into directionless storytelling in which, and I hope you agree, we don't want. Here's my tip: make every word count. You don't want to include things into a story completely necessary and instead flesh necessary parts.

I think your vagueness in some parts shows most frequently in your characters.

"That is Elijah. He's a sophomore. You don't want to get involved with him I promise he has a bad reputation. You do not want to get involved with him."

"Hey Paige."

"Uh. Hi Elijah."

Elijah and I actually have a lot in common. He's a basketball player, and he just kind of lays low. I'm a cheerleader, but i'm only a junior high cheerleader because I was held back in the first grade. He's kind of shy, but so am I.

Hey, there, I'm Danielle! I see you're kind of new, or at least this is the first story you've posted, so welcome! If you need help or anything just let me know!

Okay, on to the review.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you, this needs some work. But guess what? You're way ahead of the people who haven't even started yet, and this is a good place to start.

One of the biggest problems with this is the imbalance of actions, thoughts, and descriptions. There's a tiny bit of the narrator's thoughts in this chapter, a TON of action, and next to no descriptions. I might show an example of how to better balance these out later in my review, but I want to mention some other things first.

There's way too much happening in this one chapter. All of this is happening way too quickly, and it seems even faster since there's not much other than actions taking place, you know? Slow things down a bit. Describe things. The setting, the emotions of the narrator, what people look like, etc., etc. Your form of writing is very blunt, and though I personally am a fan of writing that's pretty blunt like that, it's a little too much if you get what I'm saying. Like, a lot of the sentences are very abrupt from one to the next and don't really flow well together. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh because I'm just trying to point out the flaws in this to help, not be mean. And I'm going to give some examples of stuff I'm saying later, so I'm not just telling you things without giving examples of how to fix them later.

There's quite a few grammar mistakes, specifically a lot of missed commas and quotation marks.

I don't have much to say regarding the plot/ characters, but that in itself is a bit of a problem too. Even if it is just the first chapter, I should still have at least a bit of a feel of the characters, specifically the main one, and the plot seems to be a typical high school love story, not that that's a bad thing. I'd personally try to give some kind of twist on it though, but that's me. As for the characters, I think what would greatly help not only this chapter, but also help the readers get a better feel of our narrator Paige, would be to start out this chapter before she gets at school. Have her thinking about what it might be like at a new school, interacting with someone, pretty much whatever you want just to give us a better introduction to her character, you know? It'll also help with the pacing of the chapter, since there's so much happening so quickly. I usually regard first chapters as introductions to characters, with a little bit of the plot sprinkled in. So, more on Paige is my suggestion.

I think you have a strong writing voice and seem to be navigating the first-person POV good. That seems to be the strongest aspect of your writing so far.

Now I'm just going to give some examples of other things I've mentioned to help you get what I mean in case its confusing.

So, this is how you have the first paragraph written:

This is going to suck so bad. I've known all summer that I was going to be moving to a different school. My phone is ringing. I wonder who it is. Oh it's just one of my "friends" from my old school. Mom i'm leaving I'll see you after school. "Okay honey I love you." Love you too mom.

And this is an example of how it might sound a bit smoother, a bit more evenly paced:

I wake up for my first day at a new school already knowing it's going to suck. I've known all summer long that I was going to be attending a different school, but even knowing that, it hasn't helped me accept it any quicker. I still hate the very idea of it, let alone actually doing it, but there's not anything I can do about it.

Mom is in our small kitchen brewing a cup of coffee when I go to head out the door to catch the bus, but I stop once my phone starts ringing in my pocket. I go to fish it out, wondering who it could be, but see it's just one of my "friends" from my old school. I slide the touch-screen phone back into my pocket without replying.

Mom must've heard my phone buzzing as she comes out of the kitchen to where I stand by the door now, coffee now in hand. Her messy brown hair trails down her shoulders. "Are you already leaving?"

"Yeah. Gotta catch the bus." I wiggle around uncomfortably, still a bit upset at her for making me go to an entirely new school after so much time at my old one. Oddly enough, I'd rather just go already.

"Well, alright then. Be safe. You remember where the bus stop is?"

She sips her coffee, the bitter scent wafting up my nose. Ugh. I hate coffee, especially without any kind of cream or sugar. How she drinks it black, I have no idea.

"Yep." I reach for the round doorknob and twist it. "I'm leaving."

"I love you," she calls as I step outside into the warm air. As angry as I am, I still say it back. Even if it is a bit laced with reluctancy.

And that's pretty much it; I hope my example helped. See how it has descriptions and thoughts mixed in with the actions, and how we still get an idea of what Paige is like just from these few paragraphs? That's what I'm meaning.

This is getting a bit long and I've said all I wanted to I believe, so I'll stop now. I hope this didn't come across rude or anything and that it helped. If you want any more examples or for me to go into more detail about something just ask and I'd be happy to. Or if you want help with something, want me to review something else, edit something, just want to talk, whatever, just let me know! You've done a good job getting some ground to step off of and good luck continuing to write it! Have a nice day.