Published December 13, 2009
Do you hear that lovely voice?
That is the girl on the red swing.
She is like the night;
Gentle and calm.
Come a little closer,
And you will hear her sing.
Her voice is like a quiet bubbling stream;
Gentle and soothing.
If you ask her what her name is,
She will look at you and smile.
She will say very softly and very gracefully,
"I am the girl on the red swing."
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Hi Jayden! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing, okay?
So, first off, I really liked this. It was a very cute, simple poem, yet it had meaning that flowed with it. There were only a couple of things I didn't particularly like. One, is the repetition of adjectives like gentle and such. Advice: http://www.rhymezone.com Awesome site where you can find synonyms. Now, the other thing was how this ended - a great ending, by the way. I think you should do a part two for this poem, because I really loved this. I want to know more about this character here, since she sounds awfully interesting. I'm not saying to add more to this; I think this is simply fine as it is, I'm saying write a follow up
And that's it! Thanks for posting! *clicks the like button*
- Kat
Hey Jay! Thought that I'd review this for you.
Is the night always really that gentle and calm? It has many different sides to it, you see. Nights can be calm, sure, but they can also be spooky and frightening. They can be angry, stormy and loud. The idea of different side to the girl might be nice in your poem.
Well, this is the second time you've used gentle! I'd try to find a different adjective here.
I don't think you need the second "very" here.
Overall I really liked the air of mystery that you've got here; I can't really tell who this girl is and that's leaving me wondering! I also like the simplicity you have here, it adds a really nice quality to the poem. I would take care, however, that you don't make it too simple by repeating your adjectives.
Hope this helps, and well done!
~Amy
Hi Jayden,
Welcome to Yws!
I thought that this was really lovely. The central image was strong and it ended nicely.
After "like the night" and "like the stream" I'd put semicolons.
I'd change "soft", though I do like the alliteration here, because streams aren't really soft! I'd also put inverted commas around "I am the girl on the red swing."
Hope this helps.
Jas
Hello Jayden. I really liked this poem; it was charming, mysterious, and it left me wanting more. It makes you wonder if the girl a person, a spirit or ghost.
However, your writing style needs a little work. The flow was messy and sometimes I had to read phrases through a few times to really understand it. That's not a bad thing, but I do think that I needs a touch of revision.
I like the poem! I love the similes you used but would like to see some different adjectives. It's very inspiring! I'm stuck between two things of what the poem is about: a ghost or just the carelessness of a young girl. Either way, it was very interesting to read. I can see this being in a novel told through verse. Good luck on this and future writings!