Preface:
I stood up and walked to the door. I was standing alone. All alone. I touched the knob and felt it's cool metal against my smooth hand. I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. I screamed as I took in the scene. It was absolutely horrifying. I let out another cry, but this one was of pain. I felt the pain take over my body and screamed, I screamed at the horrible thing that slithered along through my my body straight to my bones. I screamed at the thing that my parents had tried so hard to keep me safe from. I screamed the last time as I felt the paint take over my body for good and it all went black.
I woke startled from my nightmare and blinked. I tried to flush the image from my mind. It was hard. Painfully hard. I couldn't keep away the picture that was painted so vividly in my mind.
I shook my head. Is was still stuck in my mind.
"Ridiculous," I muttered. "No such thing could happen."
I hoped.
Chapter One
"Get up, I need to talk to you," my father hesitantly poked my shoulder.
"Whaa?" I opened my eyes groggily and looked over at the clock. 6:50 A.M. "Dad, do you have to get me up this early all the time?"
I met his eyes as he gave me a stony glare.
"I'm up, I'm up," I said nervously.
"I'll meet you in the kitchen," my dad said turning away.
I tossed on my slippers and pulled my hair back in a sloppy ponytail.
I headed towards the kitchen but slowed when I heard voices coming from behind the door.
"We need to tell her," came my mother's voice.
"We'll do no such thing," my father growled.
"She has a right to know," my mother insisted. "Wouldn't you want to know?"
"Personally, I'd rather not have this happen at all."
I heard my mother sigh. "We can't take it back. It's done and we have to deal with it. And dealing with it means telling Shay what happened!"
"Maybe, but I'm here to protect her not give her a school lesson. If you don't agree with me than maybe you shouldn't help."
My father's last words cut the already tense air. I heard my mother take a sharp intake of breath.
"Look at what this is doing to you," she whispered. "You can't do this alone, honey."
I chose this time to break up their argument (if that's what you want to call it) and walked in.
"Hi," I said cautiously. "So what's going on?" I shouldn't have interrupted them, I thought. Then maybe I would know what was happening.
"Nothing." My mom stood up and turned her back sharply from my father. "If your father finds it fit, then he will tell you." She gabbed her keys and khaki purse.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"For a drive." She was still in her PJs.
"But-" I started to say.
"I'll see you later," she muttered.
"You're not dressed," my dad said.
My mom disappeared for a moment and then came back with an overnight bag. "I'll change later."
"Bye," I said softly. She waved to me and I watched her as she left.
I turned to my dad when the door was closed and latched behind her. "So what's going on, Dad?"
He looked at his hands and then said quietly, "All I'm going to tell you is that you aren't going to your old school anymore. You'll be going to a new school where they teach special classes for special students."
"Special?" I asked. "Do you mean like, stupid special?"
"Heavens, no," my dad said chuckling. "Special as in advanced learning in a entirely different area of expertise."
"What?" I said totally confused.
"You start Monday," he said standing up. "That's all I'm here to tell, the rest you'll find out yourself."
He walked out of the room and I sat silently at the table.
What is going on?
OK guys, this is just a start but I don't know if it's any good so let me know what you think. Thanks!
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Preface:
This is very rushed. Everything happens at once, there is no time for the reader to understand the pain and confusion. Keeping things a mystery is a good way to hook readers, but I noticed you do it through the entire story. I learned the hard way that too much isn't good.
Did you mean "It" instead of "Is"?
I'm not a grammar expert, but I'm fairly sure parentheses are not very professional looking.
Don't get me wrong, this is really good. I really want to see what's going to happen next. Write more soon OK?
Hey Jayden! First of all, I think the idea of the story is great, but we need more clues. We need more clues as to what she would be doing going to this special school, more clues as to what the thing behind that door was. From what's here, it doesn't really seem like there's a whole lot of reasons to keep reading. It was exciting and mysterious, but you need to pull me in.
Now for some nitpicks.
Alrighty. Now, I bolded all the I's just so you could see how many there are. When writing in first person, you want to try and eliminate as many I's as possible. And you don't want to start every sentence with I which is what the preface seems to do. So try mixing it up a little. For example, instead of "I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door." you could say, "Taking a deep breath I slowly opened the door." Just give the sentences some variety.
Also, in the preface, I think you should cut out the entire last part of the preface. I think it would be more mysterious and scarier if we didn't know it was just a dream. The way you describe the whole dream is really frightening and I think you should let that feeling linger and make the reader wonder over it more rather than just kind of dismissing it as a dream.
Another thing about first person is that you can't tell the reader something your main character wouldn't know. Like you couldn't say, "I blushed, my face flushing red, at the comment." because your main character can't see themselves blushing red. Does that make sense? So I don't think your main character could know their father was poking them hesistantly unless their eyes were open. Your main character is just waking up. So, I would find another way to say her father was hesitant. Maybe add it in to the dialogue after your character wakes up?
Okay, so in the whole body of the chapter I feel like we need more detail. What does her father look like? Her mother? What kind of house does she live in? Dig deeper into your characters emotions. How does your character feel about their mother walking out with an overnight bag? Sad? Surprised? Or indifferent because the mother has done this before? How does she feel about being told she has to go to a new school? Does she feel relieved? What about her old school will she miss? Just more detail overall, please.
I really feel like this piece has potential and that you haven't quite tapped it yet. It's a good idea, a really good idea! I just want to know more. I want to know what's so special about the school and what the secret her parents are keeping from her is. I want to know what's behind the door and if it's something that will become a reality rather than a dream. I want to read more and learn these things!
I'll keep an eye on this piece and on you, so feel free to PM me with any questions.
something sounds wrong in there i can't pick it out. but that's just me. Other than that keep writing!