A little boy is born into the land of Moglia. After his birth his parents wrapped him in a blanket and left him in the middle of the woods. He was out there in cold winter day sleeping happily.
…
Meanwhile somewhere near the beginning of the woods King Jared and Queen Jane are going for there morning ride in the woods. Queen Jane whistles to the birds and they whistle back in chorus as some honey bees buzz past, while King Jared talks to some elves that happen to be going for a stroll at the same time. The elves go off to the path on the right and follow it, and then Jared and Jane where alone to talk to each other. “This is a lovely day” Said King Jared to his wife Queen Jane she agreed and they kept walking. Then the king and queen found a baby boy wrapped in a blanket in the middle of a clearing. They picked the baby up. “I think this baby was left here for someone to find and I don’t think his parents are coming back” said Queen Jane. So they turned around and took the child back to Magic Castle with them. When they got there they brought him to Taurus the Priestess of their Kingdom and she said “Are you going to adopt him. The King and Queen made up their minds and finally said yes to Taurus. Then they brought him to their castle and got a room made up for him they had to get a maid to look after him until he was at the right age to go to school. They made his birthday the same day as they found him which was on January 1st which is the start of the New Year. They named this boy Ethan and from that day he was known as Prince Ethan. Ethan grew up and when he was 3 years old he met a girl the same age as him. Her name was Princess Nicole of Tiger Castle. Tiger Castle got its name because a tiger lives underneath the castle.
…
Ethan had had just had his first birthday and invited Nicole to his birthday party. At his party Ethan made a wish when he blew out the candles on his cake. When he got up the next morning he went down to breakfast in the dining hall and he got a surprise when he saw his father. His father had a long beard just like the one he wished his dad to get the day before at his birthday party.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
That is definitely an interesting point to start off on. The whole baby left behind in a forest is a bit of a clliche at this point, but its definitely the kind that makes you intrigued to see what could be behind all of this, especially because in this situation we've got a lot of little extra details thrown into the mix that make things just that little bit more interesting.
Okay...that one kind of went a little too fast there. It started out as a bit of a fantasy esque opening there but then we just sort of went in the plot of something of a fairlytale there towards the end. If this is actually meant to be a story, this is entirely too fast paced here to really work all that well here. If this meant to be more of an outline then I'm not quit sure why you went in for that extra detail at the start since it ultimately doesn't add a lot to the outline, so its a bit of confusion there.
Hmm well once again we just jump back into a more story like situation so the confusion develops further. I think perhaps at this point it seems you want the bit in the middle to be something of a backstory, which in that case you should just dump out in that fashion. It would work much better if you simply just split those up a little and sprinkled it into the story to come and you could perhaps expand that earlier bit and turn it into something of a prologue.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
There should be a comma after birth.
This sentence is awkward to read. Try rearranging it.
There should be a comma after meanwhile and woods.
Where should be were.
Said shouldn't be capitalized.
There should be a period after Jane.
There should be a comma after there, Taurus, Priestess, Kingdom, and she.
There should be a question mark instead of a period.
There should be a period after the second him.
There should be a comma after him and 1st.
There should be a comma after party.
There should be a comma after morning and hall
I liked it. It is interesting, kind of reminds me of the movie Liar, Liar when a kid wishes something for his birthday and his wish is granted. The only thing that bugged me was the vagueness with the ending. Does Ethan know he was adopted or is the man with the beard the king? Other then me being confused, it was really good and I can't wait to read more.
Hi! Welcome to YWS! So, i saw your post and though,'ok, this looks interesting..' so i read it!the plot is very good and it makes me wonder about Ethan, whether he has magic powers or something the way his wish was granted; that had me intrigued. let me tell you before i start reviewing it though i really enjoyed this so don't feel downcast about my nitpicking below.
one of the main things that slowed the flow of this story down was that it was a bit 'then this happened, then this happened,' it didn't really link together.
A little boy is born into the land of Moglia. After his birth his parents wrapped him in a blanket and left him in the middle of the woods. He was out there in cold winter day sleeping happily.
I think there should put be bit of explanation here. why did they leave him in the middle of the woods?
going for there morning ride in the woods.
'There' should be 'their'
Queen Jane whistles to the birds and they whistle back in chorus as some honey bees buzz past, while King Jared talks to some elves that happen to be going for a stroll at the same time.
Can the queen talk to birds or something? this is a bit unclear. elves? is thisa afairy kingdom? maybe you should put a touch of explanation here.
Jared and Jane where alone to talk to each other.
'Where' is meant to be 'were'
“This is a lovely day” Said King Jared to his wife Queen Jane she agreed and they kept walking.
use something else instead of 'to describe how there feeling maybe how they said Example put something like '"This is a lovely day," said King Jared witha sigh, listening to the chirruping birds.' im sure you can think of something better though.
there ae just little mistakes like that nothing a quick proofread wont change. you just need to change your sentence structures and make your story flow a lttle better and this could be an amazing story! Please PM me when you post more! if you have any questions about my comments or anything else Pm me!
Afeefah