A MEAR 2 WEEKS,2
WEEKS AND ALREADY IM RETHINKING MY WORDS ,CHANGING THEM AS I AM CHANGING MYSELF.
2 WEEKS AND I AM
SITTING IN A CAR ON THE PASSENGER SEAT AS I WAS 2 WEEKS PRIOR.
NOT THE SAME CAR.
NOT THE SAME PERSON SITTING NEXT TOME
NOR THE SAME PERSON I WAS.
THIS TIME THE
PERSON WHOS FEARFUL WORDS PASS THEIR LIPS AND THE PERSON WHOS GENUINE GAZE BORES INTO THE OTHERS.
IS NOT THE PERSON IN THE DRIVERS SEAT BUT THE
PERSON IN THE PASSENGERS…ITS ME.
IT’S ME WHO IS
SAYING THESE WORDS A LITTLE TO LATE
.ITS ME WHO WAS
SCARED OF THE CORNACOPIA OF OUTCOMES THESE WORDS COULD INSPIRE AND FOR THAT
EXACT REASON ITS ME WHO DIDN’T SAY THEM BEFORE.
2 WEEKS AGO I
BECAME STRUCK WITH SELF-FLAGELLATION OF THE MIND.I PUNISHED MYSELF FOR MY NAIVETY.
I TOLD MYSELF I
WAS STUPID TO BELIEVE THAT SUCH THINGS AS LOVE EXISTS AND I THOUGHT THAT PEOPLE
WHO BELIEVED THAT IT DID WERE STUPID TO.
IT WAS WRONG OF
ME TO THINK MY NAIVETY, AS A WEAKNESS, SHOULD BE PUNISHED. AFTER ALL IT IS HUMAN NATURE.
AS MUCH AS I LOOK AT MYSELF AS A REALIST DOES NOT MEAN I AM NOTHING BUT HUMAN.
IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO ASSUME THAT MY NEIVITY WAS GOING TO COME TO AN END THERE, BUT NO.MY NAIVETY MIGHT LESSEN BUT IT WILL NEVER SEE DEMISE
UNTILL THE SECOND
AFTER I DROP DEAD AND DARKNESS HAS SWOLLOWED MY MIND WHOLE, UNTILL EVEN THE THOUGHT OF THINKING HAS BEEN LOST FOREVER..
THAT IS THE SECOND THAT I WILL NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR OF MY OWN NAIVETY.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! Let's review...
Okay first of all, I enjoyed your topic. It was a very interesting choice that I hadn't seen done before. Your content was very descriptive. It was nice.
Nitpicks:
- Most of it is spelling and grammar mistakes. They're little things, but it really takes away from the piece's impact. It's not so much incorrectly spelled words as it is incorrectly used words. Really look through and fix all of them.
- This is another grammar thing, but not most people care about it/don't know it's incorrect, but in line eleven, you've got some faulty subject agreement (person -> singular, their -> plural). "Their" should be either "his" or "her".
- The use of Arabic numerals doesn't match the style, tone, or content of your poem. The subject is too serious for something as casual as that.
- Personally, I did not like the use of capitalization throughout the poem at all. It felt as though the speaker was shouting at me and the content of the poem was heavy enough without it. It was distracting from your main theme.
- Another thing is at the very end of your poem, at line thirty-six, there are two words not capitalized, which also distracted from the content and theme.
Overall, it was a nice poem, but a bit heavy and over-bearing. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, you just need to play around with a bit more. Keep writing, and I hope to see more of your work on here soon.
- verymaryanna
Thanks on your review.I'll try to fix the problems although as I said to the review before I write in capitals because I have eye sight problems.i will try to see if I can change the capitals back after.
xx
thanks for the advice.it helps a lot since this is my first time I ever wrote a poem.
Jas,
I thought your poem was interesting. I have to say that I did not enjoy the capitalization. It was unique, but it fet like you were yelling it at me, and it was hard to focus on the words. I would suggest that you bold the first line and maybe the last line, which would make your poem stand out, and emphasize it, but not too much.
Nitpicks:
Change "boar" to "bore". There are a lot more grammatical errors and spacing issues, but I will let you edit it as you please; I don't want to throw everything at you at once.
Otherwise, I loved your overall idea, and you should definitely continue writing poems like this. I will be on the lookout for more! Thanks for sharing, and welcome to YWS!
-Savvy
thanks for that helped a lot . sorry I probably should of mentioned this but I write in capitals because I have sight problems but I will defiantly take all of your advice on board. Most about the grammar ha-ha
Now I feel bad. Haha I'll make sure to not notice it next time. :,( And the grammar will improve
. Great poem.