Cemetery Heart
Opening the gateway to buried mortality.
A landscape of serenity, freedom from agony.
Our despair and misery now remain deceased,
Living souls awaiting death to bring us peace.
Pacing by the tousled thorns. The memento of our pain
Misty smoke above these skies, inescapable from the rain clouds
Lifeless corpses beneath the gravestones, veiled without end
At rest in the silence, yet still waiting for the end.
Walk within the Cemetery, hold dear the thoughts
Of one soul of my true eternal
that had to die too soon.
Perfect ghost departed, where do you lie?
If only the world would separate,
and reveal me your heart.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Points taken.
However, I did not want to hypnotise the reader until delusional. But I can see where you are coming from when you say "Cemeteries and Ghosts and Souls and Eternities are all empty words:". Reading over my work again, it does seem that I use a lot of those words.
I intended to show the reader how peaceful the cemetery can be. It is not about "deluding" the reader for me, but more about giving an image of silence and peace.
sensory experience ('you smell ugly') to portray an almost hypnotic delusion to your reader, which is, of course, what cemeteries and ghosts are all about
I think that seems like what cemeteries are all about. I'd thought about writing in that kind of style, but this idea seemed a bit different, being not about the usual cemetery poems, but the peace and mystery you can feel when walking through the cemetery. I will try to add more sensory experience, of peace and serenity, but not "you smell ugly" lol
Thank you for your critisism, hope to read some of your work too
Lose gothic settings and ancient vernacular. The Transcendentals drove that to death.
The poem itself is too abstract, as well. Cemeteries and Ghosts and Souls and Eternities are all empty words: they add nothing to the poem, they are all found together and they all mean nothing. Get away from this. What you could do, instead, is combine sensory experience ('you smell ugly') to portray an almost hypnotic delusion to your reader, which is, of course, what cemeteries and ghosts are all about.